User:Sog1970/Tooth Fairy

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It starts[edit]

The bestest Mom in the whole wide world

Do you remember when you were six? Do you? You bit into that crispy. red apple and even before the juice ran over your taste-buds there was a brief sharp stab of pain.

“Oww! Mommy!” you cried. “I gotta hurt.”

And as your Mom ran in from the kitchen you stared at that pain-apple.

“Mommy,my wobbly toof felled out!”

It was the high-point of your life to that point. Your Mom smothered you in a thousand perfumed kisses (in a nice way) and hugged you so tightly you thought your ribs would burst.

“Who’s my clever little boy?” she said again and again as if you'd solved the Schroedinger equation on your etch-a-sketch.

You look round to see if there were any other candidates. But it was YOU! If you’d died then Heaven couldn’t have offered you anything better.

“We’ll put it under your pillow tonight, dear” she says. “For the Tooth Fairy!”

And noticing the doubt in your eyes as you wonder why the only woman in your life wants to give away the prize possession you waited so long for, she adds:

“The Tooth Fairy will give you a shiny quarter.”

And so, as you indulge your candy daydream your mom goes back into the kitchen, unaware that she’s just entered you into a lifetime of pain.

Early days[edit]

If you stayed up all night, maybe you could negotiate a better rate.

Next morning the sun streams through the blinds at 7 o’clock but you don’t mind. You put one hand under the pillow, then the other one; half-excited, half dreading the loss of your first tooth. For a second there’s the cold touch of real money! And suddenly you don’t care about the tooth because the gob-stoppers you’ve been chewing in your dreams are one step closer.

Mom makes you eat your sugar-coated sugar flakes but you know what you really need. The instant she says you can go out on your bike you pedal your way to the corner-store with only one thought on your mind.

“Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers!”

The kindly old man behind the counter greets you as a friend, but you don’t need friends. You have money.

“So what’ll it be?” he asks.

Your mind says:

“Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers, Gob-stoppers!”

But you pause. Why are you pausing? It makes no sense. You know what you want; it’s Gob-stoppers!

“Taffy.” You croak, unsure what’s happening to you.

The old man weighs out a quarter’s worth of taffy and you pedal home, subdued, confused.

“What did you buy, Honey?” Mom asks.

“Taffy!” You mutter, when all you want to do is cry.

“Oh, I thought you didn’t like taffy,” She smiles. “Still, if anything’s gonna pull out your other teeth.”

The scales fall from your eyes and now you understand. Somewhere deep inside, your inner self has realised that this is the only job you’ll ever need. You have a head full of teeth and Mom says you’re already growing more.

“Don’t eat it all at once,” Mom calls after you as you go back up to your room.

“Sure thing, Mom.” You mutter. “But I don’t need you to look after me now. I have the Tooth Fairy!”

A Deepening relationship[edit]

A little pain and the Taffy’s yours either way.

The sun streams in at 7 again but you’ve been awake for hours. Your intestines are still complaining but you’re triumphant – it worked. Sure, the sugar-coated sugar flakes make you wince but it was worth it. You have another quarter.

You push past your so-called mother and pedal furiously to the corner-store.

“Taffy, please.” You say before the door-chime has even stopped reverberating.

And then it’s home and back into your room to try again.

“Are you all right in there, Honey?” Your Mom calls but you don’t have time for her.

None of your teeth are even slightly wobbly and you’re wondering just how much it’s going to hurt to bang your head against the bedsidetable and dislodge one. But, what’s this? She in your room! She’s taken the remaining Taffy and she's dragging you downstairs. God damn the woman, what does she think she’s doing?

Hours later you crawl into bed after eight hours at Wal-Mart, you even let her tuck you in. You have no tooth to trade and “Mom” gave your remaining taffy to your cousin, Myrtle. It’s too late to do anything, you drift into a restless sleep, dreaming of quarters raining down on that bitch, Myrtle.

Keeping a Tooth Fairy waiting can be dangerous.


What’s this? Another quarter has appeared beneath the pillow. You run your tongue across your teeth and find a new gap still smarting sharply. The Tooth Fairy has taught you the meaning of pro-active. To Hell with the sugar-flakes!

“Taffy!” You demand before the old perv can waste your time in pointless conversation.

Remember, the Tooth Fairy pays big bucks for any tooth, guaranteed.

This time your don’t make the mistake of going home. You crawl beneath the big laurel bush near the gate to the park and settle down among the condoms and beer-cans.

Hours later the cops drop you off home and you wait for your mother to calm down. She’s half-crying, half-laughing in relief, caught between grounding you for eternity and hugging you to death. Either way, you’re not bothered, you have a pocket full of rattling teeth, a head full of dental abscesses and a bellyful of pride.

Tomorrow you start growing adult teeth.