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Hey kids! Welcome to the Kraft Foods factory, where happiness is born and Middle Americans come to complete their Hajj. I want to start by laying down a few rules:

  1. Don't touch the machines. In order to operate our comically dangerous and fantastic machinery, one is required to attend a thirty minute seminar on the subject in Auditorium 1, something I'm sure none of you lil' buggers have done. Any physical contact with the machines will cause for them to malfunction and mistake you for cheese. Please keep your hands to yourself.
  2. Don't throw things at the minority workers. Sure, they look adorable in their little uniforms as they scurry about the factory. But they're valuable members of the Kraft family, seeing as how it's rather difficult to convince anyone else to take a job that pays in canned goods. Please don't give them a reason to quit or attempt to escape. Oh, and please don't help them escape.
  3. Don't tell your teacher or your parents about the last room we visit on the tour. Odds are you won't remember anything that happens in there anyways. But just in case the first round of knockout drugs don't work, just promise that you won't say anything to anyone in authority.

Alright, now on to the factory!

Our mission statement[edit]

Kraft Foods is founded on the idea that Americans, particularly Southerners, prefer their food processed, filled with fake cheese, and put in cardboard boxes in order to preserve the flavor of the food they will probably never fully digest. These meals must reflect the hectic on-the-go lifestyle that we love to encourage in soccermoms throughout the midwest, and must therefore be idiot-proof. We do this by making our food incredibly nasty.

First stop: the factory floor[edit]

Okay children, put on these funny looking paper hats I just found, because we always stress the importance of safety while on the factory floor. These machines are ridiculously dangerous and poorly designed, and could take your head clean off if you're not careful.

This first machine takes in actual cheddar cheese and turns it into, you guessed it, nothing. It destroys the cheese, releasing a delicious aroma into the atmosphere and accomplishing not much else. This machine is literally just for show. We like to say that our products are made from real cheese, which means that real cheese must have some role in the production process. This machine allows us to check that box. Moving on, children!

Here, we have kids just like you from the Ukraine that line up here. When they reach the top of this machine, they throw themselves into the furnace, powering it with their forsaken orphan souls. This is what makes our food so good: we put soul into it. Not our souls, of course. Theirs.