User:Uncyclopedian/UnScripts:The Young and the Uncyclopedians/104
Episode 104: The Coming of the N00b!
(This episode begins with seeing a policeman be brainwashed by Darth, then the scene changes to outside the base.)
Mysterious figure: I...have come.
(Mysterious figure reveals herself to be Miss n00b, and she shoots a squad of CommTroopers. An elite CommTrooper comes out)
(3...2...1...they draw their guns. Miss n00b shoots the Elite, killing him)
n00b: Commies, prepare to die. I have allies in the n00bforce.
(A CommTrooper sounds the alarm. Scene is now the base.)
Darth: The alarm! Commie Squad, check out the outside of the base!
Officer: It's just a bunch of noobs, sir, judging by the security cameras.
Darth: They're gonna get b&...get my banhammer and sickle!
Officer: Yes sir!
(The officer gives Darth his banhammer and sickle)
(A chunk of ceiling falls down on top of Darth)
(Darth walks outside to the outside of the base)
Darth: WELCOME TO YTMNSFW, BISHES!
(Darth presses the tab key on his armlet, revealing the noobs to him. He smashes over half the force)
Ms. Noob: Stop right there, nerd!
Darth: You callin' me a nerd, noob?
Ms. Noob: That's Ms. Noob to you!
(Ms. Noob shoots Darth with a shotgun, wounding him severely)
Darth: Not quite.
(Darth is beamed back into the base with his transporter. Meanwhile underground near the base in a nuclear powered submarine...)
Corsaire: Ze hunt for Red October is on zanks to ze Monachy for providing a new crew! Full speed ahead Jacques!
Flandos: Thou hast a odd submarine, Corsaire.
Corsaire: Nonsense. All French submarines can do this.
Flandos: I thoughteth the French army had sucketh.
Corsiare: Zats what we want you to zink! If it does suck, then on zis mission we have Sean Connery as a backup.
Connery: What the hell am I doing here?
(Inside the base...)
Commietrooper: Sir, I think there's a submarine approaching the base underground and high speeds!
(An officer comes in and looks at the screen)
Officer: No you idiot that's a groundhog!
(The officer slaps the Commietrooper. Meanwhile Murphy is in his base deep inside the Yukon in bed with one of the virgins. They are watching this situation in the brig through a crystal TV set.)
Murphy: It looks like you'll have company, darling.
Virgin: What, like the last four women Bill Nye gave you?
(She slaps Murphy)
Murphy: Feisty today, eh?
(Now, to the outside of the base. Ms. n00b is killing some Commietroopers)
(Ms. n00b kicks down the door to the base. Troopers panic as they try to keep control of the base. Darth runs from the infermery and tries to get to his Capitalist Destroyer and explode the base. Two commie troopers are talking to each other while fending off the noobs.)
Trooper #1: What happened?
Trooper #2: Looks like someone hax.
Trooper #1: Well hax back!
Trooper #2: Cover me!
(Trooper #2 pulls down his console and types in sv_cheats 1)
Computer Voice: CHEAT MODE ACTIVATED
(He types in God)
Voice: GOD MODE ACTIVATED
Trooper #2: Now that we've got that settled...
(Trooper #2 kills Trooper #1 and pulls off his helmet to reveal he is Han)
(Han is recaptured yet again by Chronos, and Han's god mode is removed.)
Chronos: The only true god mode is the Konami coe.
Han: UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START.
Computer Voice: SORRY, BUT CHRONOS SAYS NO
(Scene to ms. N00b and the group)
n00b: I am here to save you guys!
Everyone: MISS N00B!?!
Han: You need the keycode, 5 keycards, and one key. They must be the right ones.
n00b: The keycode is COMMIE. I don't have the cards or key yet, though.
Han: Great. How do you suggest we get those?
n00b: Well...I was hoping you would figure that out...
Shamus: Well, get us outta these chains and maybe we can help ya lass!
Han: Shamus, the chains are locked. That is what she needs the key and keycards for.
Adam: How...how did you survive being eaten by a grue!?!
n00b: The grue threw up, and I got a blood transfusion from Blaning.
(Arvel jumps in)
Arvel: The entire crew captured...how could I let this happen?!
(Arvel takes out his whiskey flask from his sleeve and attempts to open it, albeit sloppily, spilling it on the keycard holes, causing them to malfunction.)
Shamus: Noob! Take Han's American Express card and insert it into the keycard holes now!
(n00b does so.)
Voice: SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS HAVE BEEN DEBTED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT INSERT NAME HERE. AND NO, THAT WILL NOT OPEN THE LOCKS. TO HEAR THIS MESSAGE IN ESPANOL, PRESS 3. TO HEAR THIS MESSAGE IN COMMUNIST RUSKIE, PRESS 9.
(The keycard slots stop malfunctioning.)
Shamus: Just go through the entire base killing commies.
(Arvel leaves the base, and does not come back. Only n00b can save the group now.)
(Meanwhile in Corsaire's submarine several kilometers below the surface)
Jacques: Sir! We are under ze bastard!
Corsaire: Good. Good. Mindless underling! Fire a torpedo into ze Capitalist destoryer he is moving for!
Underling: Yes sir!
Connery: I still have no idea why you take me into this sub. For Christ's sake I'm an actor!
Corsaire: I don't care. Oh, and move this ship up! We're going into the ze base!
Jacques: Yes sir!
Corsaire: Team Mardi, be prepared to surface! We've got zis asshole cornered.
(Meanwhile on the deck Darth is attempting to get to his Capitalist Destroyer)
Darth: I'm home free baby!
(All of a sudden Corsaire's missile busts through the floor and asplodes the ship)
Darth: Oh well, I'll just go to the next one.
(Darth goes to the next Capitalist Destroyer and attempts to start it up. Arvel walks onto the bridge.)
Arvel: All my crew gone! All 300 men, women, and children! Gone because of a stupid planet destroyer!
(Arvel drinks a shot of whiskey)
(Arvel pushes Darth out the bridge window)
Arvel: I'm sorry Han, I truly am!
(Arvel takes off in the Capitalist Destoryer and heads towards Moscow, and Arvel is captured by Darth before he can go a mile, using the Force. Arvel is now in the chains with the group. Only n00b can save them. Really. Meanwhile several meters underground...)
Argon: I'M BURNING MORE CARPS!
(Argon is put in chains. NOW only Ms. n00b can save the group.)
Han: Isn't "argon" an element? A gaseous element?
Connery: Okay, I've had it with theesh shennanigans!
(Connery knocks Corsaire and Flandos out)
Connery: Jacques, get me the hell out of thish veshel!
Connery: Oh jusht shutup!
(As Sean slaps Jacques in the face, the scene switches to Darth on the dock)
(Connery, Jacques, Rene, and Flandos are all captured. The fate of the world is in Miss n00b's hands)
Darth: Home FREE!!!
(Darth escapes on a Communist Destroyer. Scene switch to Miss n00b with the captured group, just getting a small grenade from a dead Commietrooper.)
Han: And don't forget to stop the self-destruct function!
n00b: I stopped it right when I walked through the door.
Connery: Wohw, gihe mhe a dhrink plhease.
Connery: The only reashon I'm here is because dipshit here deshided that I should go with him on hish nuclear powered shub! I don't even want to be involved in thish pish poor exushe for a show!
(Connery simply pulls off the chains)
Han: You can't do that.
Connery: Theshe thingsh are merely propsh you dolt! You could have walked out of thish shtupid thing any time you wanted!
(Commietroopers come on the scene with blaster rifles and attempt to shoot Connery)
Connery: What, you think cheap ash shpecial effects are going to hurt me?
(Connery is seen walking out of the entire set completely, flicking off the director)
Han: That's why they call it ACTING! This is a show you know!
Connery: If thish is called acting, it shucks.
Directory: Cut! Cut! Okay. This scene completely fell apart. We'll have to try it without Sean. Start the scene just before he got all bent out of shape.
Froggy: (sighing) Ribbit.
Han: I suppose I can hot-wire that thing. But I can't. These chains are strong.
(Chronos makes it that only n00b can save the group right now)
n00b: Now to go on a quest to get the keycards and key.
Shandion and Priest: Oh no.
L: We just want to wish you good luck, we're all counting on you...
Han: May the force be with you...
(Credits roll, with Ms. n00b in bold lettering)