User:Uncyclopedian/UnScripts:The Young and the Uncyclopedians/105

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Episode 105: A Screwed Hope[edit]

(This episode starts with Miss n00b grabbing a few grenades while with the captured group.)

n00b: Uh, how do I use one of these?

Adam and Dizberg: WITH OUROBOROS!!!

Indy: No, with CONTENTS!!

Braycat: With BEAVER PELTS!

Han: Those are thermal detonators.

n00b: And...

Han: Just press that white button. then, the button will flash red. Throw it quickly, and get out of the blast range.

n00b: What about the pink, pretty button?

Indy: CONTENTS CONTENTS contents contents CONTENTS!!!

Han: No, please don't.That button makes it explode in your hand. And Indy, shut up.

Keira: It would be a great trap.

Adam: I guess.


n00b: How can you stand this Indy!?! And what about the purple pretty button?

Han: The emergency shut-off... and that's the last button.

n00b: What about the big red button that says "DO NOT PRESS!"?


Everone else: SHUT UP!

Han: Uhhh, that doesn't exist.

n00b: Oh. Then why is this red light flashing? <throws the detonatator>

(The detonator explodes, killing three Commtroopers approaching the group)


Han: I just explained that!

n00b: Now, what is CONTENTS?

Nikita: I guarantee you that you do not want to know! Now stop pussy-footing around find those keycards so we can get out of here!

(Miss n00b punches Indy)

Adam: YAY!!!

(Froggy gets slightly angry, but suppresses his rage lest his secret love for Indy be made known)

Froggy: *cough* Nonchalantly saying "ribbit".

Indy: Contents.

(Indy yells CONTENTS at Froggy)

Froggy: R-r-ribbit.

(Froggy starts to get aroused)

Han: Enough of that, already.

(Froggy lets out a long breath of relief)

n00b: Whatever. I'm out of here before Indy drives me insane.

Indy: Contents?

(n00b goes to the map of the base, which is in this room)

n00b: Lets see, there is a happy fun place right down the hall...

Han: NO!!! That is the brainwashing chamber!!!

n00b: Contents right in the same room...

Indy: Can I go there CONTENTS?

n00b: No. A guard room nearby, and a hangar with 50 Commie Destroyers at the end of the base, and a room of junk...

Froggy: Guard ribbit.

Moonshine: The guard room.

(A few Communists slaughter mooses nearby, Moonshine senses this, and faints.)

Indy: Contents LOVE!!!

Keira: I am pregnant.


Keira: I had sex...with Aquarii before this whole incident!

Braycat: cheated on me!!! You foul cheater!

n00b: Maybe I should leave now.

Han: I suggest you do, massive fight coming up!

Froggy: Ribbit indeed. (Froggy starts eating from a big bowl of popcorn)

Emmzed: Can I have some? I can put maple syrup on it!

(n00b jumps out of the room right when Braycat yells, just barely safe from the sound waves)

n00b: Whew.

(A commtrooper arrives, alerted by the yell. n00b shoots him with her six-shooters, killing the commie.)

(Benson, Aquarii, Bush, and Gates start coming to the scene of the base via an Apache helecopter. Benson has a mohawk for some reason now. The A-Team theme song is playing in the background)

Robert: I didn't sit there and try to chase Starnes over there for my porn collection with a .50 caliber sniper rifle for nothing! You're not gonna soften up this show as long as I'm around!

(Bush activates the helicopter's gatling gun and starts wildly shooting the base, hitting and missing various explosive storage facilities and attempting to destroy it.)


Bush: This is like that video game Cheney made me play!

(Bush, Benson, Robert, and Aquarii are captured and put with the captives)

Robert: I told you that you shouldn't have landed, when they said to land!


Robert: Ok, what has been going on and why wasn't I there to film it!?!

Han: Our lives depend on a n00b. Indy has been going craz...


Han: ...zy. Keira had sex with Aquarii.

Robert: Ooh look, porn!!! Shit! I'm chained up, though.

(A commtrooper comes in)

Commtrooper: Well, you're not the only one, brother!

(The commietrooper brings in a TV set with a VCR and inserts a tape)

Commtrooper: Sit back, relax, and watch what the cute couple did there a couple months ago!

Braycat: You were there?!

Commtrooper: Fuck yes! See that there? I was one of the college students in that frat party.


(Keira blushes. As the group watches, they are all mortally disgusted but Zatoichi, who is luckily blind, and Gates)


Sensei: My god is that what I think it is you're doing with that keg and tube, Aquarii?

Aquarii: But-

Commtrooper: Yes it is ninja chick! Here, I'll fast forward to the part where I get it on too!


n00b: Oh great.

(n00b shoots the Commtrooper)

Robert: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Keira: But I had sex with Aquarii just last week!

(n00b leaves to go to the arsenal, which is guarded by an elite CommTrooper and a squad of CommDefenders.)

Elite: Die!

(n00b blows up the arsenal, just the arsenal, and survives)

n00b: Hey wait, why did I blow up that arsenal without gathering weapons?

Flandos: Methinks we art screwed.

Braycat: (sneering) Just like Keira and Aquarii, not to mention any other men she's been sleeping with besides me...

Keira: Just Aquarii.

(n00b grabs a keycard.)

n00b: I just need 4 more keycards and a key.

Shamus: At the pace you're going we'd be lucky to get out of here be next season!

PONG-02: Oh dear, please give me a memory wipe...

Adam: Where did you come from?

(n00b shoots PONG-02 and grabs the keycard it was holding)

(n00b goes to the guard room, which is full of CommTroopers, shoots them all, and grabs the key.)

n00b: Ha!

(n00b is then shot. She survives to shoot a commtrooper. She then returns to the captives, and frees them, using secret n00b powers to make up for the missing keycards.)

Nikita: Hey PONG!

PONG-02: Yes?

Nikita: Make yourself useful.

(Nikita inserts a magnet with a bannana on it. PONG-2 starts to think he's in the Vietnam War.)

PONG-02: DIE VIETCONG. <turns his arm into a chaingun>

Han: EVERYBODY GET DOWN! <fires a pistol>

(PONG kills many, many, many Commtroopers)

Minh: (whispering) Please don't kill me please don't kill me....

Adam: Fire!

(Adam fires his QVFD gun)

Braycat: How could you Keira...why? <cries>

Keira: He is cool, and does good sex.

Emmzed: Get Ms. n00b out of the crossfire!

(Elite CommTroopers attack. Miss n00b, though injured, kills all the CommTroopers)

Han: You heard Emmzed! I'll distract them! <throws a thermal detonator>

Ms. n00b: They are dead...

(Ms. n00b faints)

Han: Someone help Miss n00b!

(Dizberg tries healing n00b with OUROBOROS BANDAGES!!!)

Supweluhop: No, no... <uses curry powder>


Everyone else: Indeed.

Keira: In a few days, I will have a baby.


Everyone else: Shut up.

Zatoichi: (near PONG-02) Somebody help me reassemble this thing. It kicked ass.

Everyone else: NO!!!

Nikita: You want to see how much this thing kicked ass?

(Nikita takes PONG-02's head and inserts a bar magnet. PONG-02 starts to sing folk songs)

PONG-02: Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care! Keira had sex with Aquarii and I really care!

(Robert shows everyone some porn)

Han: Since, Ms. n00b is still healing, I'll shoot you this time. <does so, but misses>

Braycat: That is the second most-disgusting thing ever. Engelsfair's goatses are worse.

(Ms. n00b wakes up)

Ms. n00b: Wha- what happened?

Han: Porn and PONG.

n00b: That old tennis game?

Adam: No, it wa-

PONG-02: Ohhh, Keira will be coming round Aquarii when she comes...

n00b: Oh.

Supweuluhop: Are you feeling well, Ms. n00b?

n00b: My name isn't really Ms. n00b, it is...

(Credits roll)

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...


Season One:

ABOUT - 55 - 56 - 57 - 58 - 59 - 60 - 61 - 62 - 63 - 64 - 65 - 66 - 67 - 69 - 70 - 71 - 72 - 73 - 75 - 76 - 77 - 78 - 79 - 80 - 81 - 82 - 83 - 84 - 85 - 86 - 87 - 88 - 89 - 90 - 91 - 95 - 97 - 100 - 102 - 104 - 105 - 106 - 107 - 108 - 109 - 110 - 111 - 112 - Season Finale

Season Two:

114 - 115 - 116 - 117 - 118 - 119 - 120 - 121 - 122 - 123 - 124 - 125 - 126 - 127 - 128 - 129 - 131 - 137 - Season Finale

Season Three:

149 - 150 - 155 - 162 - 163 - 164 - 165 - 166 - 167 - 168 - 169 - 170 - 171 - 172 - 173 - 174 - 175 - 176 - 177 - 178 - 179 - Season Finale

Season Four:

181 -

Episode lists and summary - List of characters - Auditions - In-Jokes

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