User:Uncyclopedian/UnScripts:The Young and the Uncyclopedians/108
Episode 108: The Martial Artists, the Commies, and the Baby!
(Episode starts outside the truck. Adam is axe kicking, front kicking, roundhouse kicking, push kicking, shin kicking, punching, ridgehanding, and side kicking CommTroopers)
Han: And you are only at the second belt in this Hapkido?
Adam: Soon I will be at the third belt. <axe kicks a commie, snapping the commies neck>
CommTrooper: They have a Martian...I mean martial artist there! Kicking our butts!
CommTrooper General: Shoot him!
(Scene is now the hospital. Everyone is gasping about Kim's revelation that he is an Aspie.)
Hinoa: Well, you're son is quite frankly screwed out of having any sort of social life. To quell down your terrible loss in your child, I've prepared a care bear so you can feel like you are wanted.
(Hinoa gives Aquarii a care bear)
(The care bear explodes)
Care Bear Head: It's okay to have feelings!
Aquarii: Yes, but he will be a super-intelligent guy. He already is.
(Kim is reading A Series of Unfortunate Events)
Doctor #1: Can I have a care bear and a book please?
(Hinoa gives Doctor #1 a little kids book and a care bear)
Hinoa: Does that make you feel all fuzzy inside Stephanie?
(Meanwhile, on the battlefield...)
Robert: I've got it!
(Robert pulls a switch and a large screen comes up showing the scene he recorded last night. Commietroopers start to melt. Adam roundhouse kicks Robert. The truck enters the Strangetown city limits)
Adam: PORNO SUCKS!!
Emmzed: You guys better win, the truck can't take much more of this, it's overheating!
Dizberg: Don't worry, there's a hospital called "worst ever hospital" about three blocks down.
(The truck breaks down, and the group exits and goes to the hospital, where they meet Doctor #1, Hinoa, Keira, Kim, and Aquarii)
Doctor #1: Can I please throw this book at a pig?
(Doctor #1 juggles knives over a patient)
Keira: My son...is an Aspie!
Adam: Hey, so am I!!!
Emmzed: Everyone look out!
(A sim riding on a horseback, reminiscent of Paul Revere shouts...)
Sim: The commies are coming! The commies are coming!
(Strangetown's emergency alarm system goes off)
(A commie enters the hospital, just to be killed by Adam's kicks.)
Han: Prepare for battle!
Doctor #1: Can I have sex with that girl? <points to Sensei>
Everyone else: NO!!
Aquarii: Whatever, just use the X-Ray room! NOW! DROP THE WEAPON!
Kim: Can I goo have the ga ga?
(Kim takes a gun, and shoots a group of CommTroopers)
Shandion: And he is less than a day old. Impressive.
Adam: Aspies are smart.
(Suddenly, Doctor #1 is shot)
Everyone else: YAY, NO MORE IDIOT!!
(Doctor #1 calls his mom)
Doctor #1: Mommy, can I have a band-aid please?
Connery: What the hell are you calling me for?! For the fiftieth time I am not your mother! Do you want me to come over there and kick your ash?
(A mortar shell explodes near the hospital)
Han: INCOMING ARTILLERY FIRE! TAKE COVER!
Aquarii: I AM WORKING UNDER ORDERS FROM THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT! THE COMMIES MUST BE STOPPED! NOW!
Minh: Well, it's not like we won against them three times before, with Murphy and an army of zombies, the Vietcong, the South Vietnamese army, the Peace Corps, a grand coalition between several nations. We still got captured. Really, how are we going to beat them?
Adam: We need the king of martial arts.
(Adam calls CHUCK NORRIS!!!)
Chuck: I WILL ROUNDHOUSE KICK THE EVIL OUT OF THE COMMIES!!!
Indy: After you save the world, I am quoticiding you.
Han: I should have known.
(Doctor #1 calls his dad)
Doctor #1: Daddy, can I please have a band-aid?
(Braycat punches Keira, Keira runs away crying, everybody glares at Braycat)
Dizberg: That was un-called for, man.
Han: Men don't hit girls.
Darth Communist: Luke, I am your father. No, you may not have a band-aid.
Doctor #1: My name is James!
Darth: Then fuck off! <hangs up>
(More CommTroopers come, the heroes seek refuge in the hospital. Jet troopers are smashing through windows, and a firefight starts.)
Cerid: KEEP THE FIRE AWAY FROM THE CIVILLIANS!
(Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the fire, stopping it)
Cerid: Not what I had in mind...
CommTrooper: Get a Rocket Trooper in here!
Doctor #1: Can I kidnap Kim and have sex with him? <is shot, this time by Aquarii>
(Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the entire attacking communist force, making them all capitalists. Unfortunately, half of the army is still on the loose, with Darth and Blaning)
Captalist: Hey! Kill that guy in the black robe!
(The capitalists shoot at a hologram of Darth)
Darth: Yeah, that REALLY hurts.
Emmzed: Let's get out of here!
Aquarii: With what?
Emmzed: An ambulance, maybe?
(Doctor #1 blows up all of the ambulances and cars)
Doctor #1: Me like big booms.
(Doctor #1 blows up all the nearby vehicles, including bikes and motorbikes)
Doctor #1: Can I have sex with Kim and then throw him in the cute killy commie thingy?
Doctor #1: Hello, I am the chief of police here. Can I throw my badge at a tree, and then have sex with Kim?
Han: You may be a police cheif, but I'm an Army General. I outrank you. I'm calling a police squad right now.
Doctor #1: I am the mayor of this city, and a commander of the Strangetown Militia. Can I eat a donut through a syringe?
Actual Mayor: Actually, I'm the mayor.
Han: Note militia. I'm an actual army General.
Minh: I'm REALLY getting tired of this guy. (Emulates sound of a bird)
(Vietcong pop up through manhole covers and start trying to shoot Doctor #1 with AK-47s)
Vietcong: Wait, are you the famous IDIOT!?!
Doctor #1: Yes.
(Vietcong stop attacking, and Ho Chi Minh slaps his forehead in disgrace. Doctor #1 runs, and sends the FBI to capture the group)
Doctor #1: I lead the FBI!!!
(Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the evil out of Doctor #1, and stops the FBI)
Hinoa: Hey, you overused fad! Look over here!
(Chuck Norris looks, and Hinoa fires a huff cannon. Chuck disappears. Indy quoticides Chuck.)
Adam: Hey, there's Darth! Lets convert him to being good.
(Darth becomes plain old Engelsfair again)
Adam: Lets go back home using that Commie Destroyer over there.
Moonshine: Lets go back home.
Han: That was quick.
Dizberg: And anti-climatic.
Nikita: I don't know...it might be rigged...and is Darth really good again?
(The group goes anyway. It IS a trap, with 400 commtroopers and Darth.)
Darth: Not so fast. Anyone who gets close or starts resisting, is force choked.
Zatoichi: There's one way to know for sure.
(Zatoichi takes a banana magnet out of Nikita's pocket)
(...attaches it to PONG, who suddenly thinks it is in the Iraq War...)
PONG-06: CAN I LEAVE NOW?
(...who shoots the entire CommTrooper army...)
Darth: Oh great.
(...and turns Darth back to the lightish side)
Engelsfair: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! MURPHY! GIVE ME ANOTHER MONKEY'S PAW! I LIKED BEING EVIL!
PONG-06: Keira and Aquarii, sitting in a tree, KISSING!!!
Han: Nothing a thermal deton- wait, I have none.
Cerid: I have a few.
(Nikita takes the banana magnet off PONG and inserts a "Worlds Greatest Grandma" magnet.)
PONG-06: Keira, want cookies FOR CHEATING ON BRAYCAT!?! NO WAY!!!
Cerid: I can send my Comma Brigade to take out PONG this time.
Everyone else: PLEASE DO!!!!!!!!
PONG-06: BRAYCAT ANGRY, KEIRA CHEATY, KIM IS A SPOILED LITTLE ASPIE!!!
Han: DIE ALREADY! <cuts off PONG's head with a laser sword.>
Engelsfair: Ohhh! a monkey's paw!
(Monkey's paw is still attached to an angry capitalist monkey as he is mauled Murphy watches.)
Murphy: Doesn't that idiot know you have to curse it first?
Engelsfair: OW CURSE YOU, YOU MONKEY!!!
(Engelsfair gets a new sickle.)
Engelsfair: Ooh, COMMIE!!!
Murphy: That was a weak curse.
PONG-07: KEIRA CHEATS WAY TOO MUCH!!!
Han: I just sliced your head off!!!
Zatoichi: I can feel the "-07" in braille.
Adam: Why does a robot have braille?
PONG-07: I'VE TRAVELLED MORE THAN YOU YOUNG MAN. I NEED TO UNDERSTAND A LOT OF LANGUAGES.
(Nikita takes the magnet off and shuts off PONG-07)
(Han destroys PONG)
PONG-08: BRAYCAT SUCKS AT KEEPING WIVES, KEIRA SUCKS AT BEING ONE!
Nikita: Well, there is one more option...
(Nikita takes out his laptop and attaches it to PONG-08. He downgrades the software to an old alpha revision with little artificial intelligence.)
PONG-08: I AM PONG. PLEASE INSERT CONTROLLER.
PONG-09: COMMIES SUCK, SO DOES KEIRA!!
(PONG shoots Keira, badly injuring her.)
Braycat: Serves her right for cheating on me.
Han: Damnit. Where's Supwealuh-
Supwealuhop: I RAN OUT OF CURRY POWDER!
Han: Then I'll have to do this the old fashioned way...
Aquarii: I "borrowed" some medical tools from the hospital.
Han: Great. Scalpel...
(Comma Brigade member destroys PONG)
Sensei: Zatoichi, I don't care how much you like this thing, but I'm going to send it back to hell!
(Sensei takes out here Katana and attempts to slash it, but it doesn't work. Han shoots PONG-10, but the shot is deflected.)
Sensei: It's adapting...
(PONG explodes. PONG-11 goes boom. PONG-12 gets The Hell Outta Here.)
Adam: Oh no.
Emmzed: We have to keep it from Keira, Han, and Aquarii while they preform surgery!
(Gertings Mann walks in.)
Gertings: I can stop it for a few weeks.
Everyone: PLEASE DO SO!!!
Gertings: It costs something, though. A dropship, and 500 dollars. And Sensei must marry me if I help. Or I will kill you all. So hand them all over, or you all die.
Adam: Are you a terrorist? And where are we going to get a dropship?
Han: Forceps... <removes a bullet from Keira's body>
Aquarii: How do you know how to do this?
Han: If you've been in the Army's medical wards, you'd know by now.
Gertings: Hand them all over...now.
(A dropship suddenly flies in, piloted by a Comma Brigade member)
Gertings: Now what about the money and the marriage?
Cerid: Comma brigadiers sure can work.
(Moonshine wakes up)
Moonshine: Hey Gertings! I haven't seen you in a while!
Nikita: You know this guy?
Moonshine: Yeah, he's my drug dealer. He keeps asking for shit I don't have. He's got great weed though.
Han: We're losing her!
Aquarii: You do realise we are in a hospital...
Han: You want to fill those forms again? We need some stabilizer!
(Credits roll, with a pulse, a pulse, then a flatline in the background)