User:Why do I need to provide this?/PLS9
I had no idea what to expect in the Noob category. Somebody on Uncyclopedia (ahem) wrote or co-wrote three featured articles in their first three months. But I also know an author here who wrote article after article after article that failed to get featured month after month after month--and then started churning out features. So don't be discouraged by criticism, but use it to improve. Also I recommend to all entrants to work on your article after judging is over, and then submit it for Pee Review. Of course you couldn't do that before PLS judging was completed, but there's nothing to stop you afterwards.
Some more advice to all entrants:
1) Read feature articles; then after that read more featured articles. And look for the featured version (there'll be a box you can click in at the article). Much of what you'll find on Uncyclopedia is crap, so try to ignore that and check out the good stuff.
2) Read HTBFANJS. Really.
3) Read all the links in your Welcome Message. If you want, you can read mine at User:Why do I need to provide this?/Welcome
IMPORTANT: Every article submitted had things I found funny, and parts that were well-written. All of you have potential here. And I'm not just saying that to be nice--as you get to know me better, you may learn I don't give compliments I don't mean.
The most important part of an article is usually the opening--this has a nice one. Unfortunately, after that I think the article gets a little confusing. The "Where I play?" with the narrator using someone else's ID combined with the security guard got me wondering is the narrator in trouble with the security guard? And a stewardess calling herself "long-legged" and having bets on how a passenger will be going potty pushes it too much in my opinion. I do like "Please let it be a stewardess please let it be...." But then we have another number one or two joke. Also I didn't get how the narrator ended up being the investigator--not everyone who found a dead body would want to lead the investigation, especially if that person had reason to hide his or her identity because of using a fake ID--or was the ID that of an investigator? And the uncontrollable spasms leading to a murder didn't seem to fit, although the article does explain mistaking Mr. Dupont for a piñata that would be hung in the restroom. And I liked the two theories on the murder.
I think there's a basis for a much better article here, and would suggest you work on it. I struck out my first impression. On second reading, I liked this much better. That's a sign it is a little confusing (a humour article shouldn't require a second read), but could be greatly improved with some edits. I'd submit it for Pee Review as suggested above.
Uncyclopedia, like the town of Utapau, has its sinkholes. These include opening quotes and Chuck Norris and Oscar Wilde references. It seems like every article has them--but not those that get featured. I did like the use of semi-period style quotes within the article. I like it when the article gets subtle: Celebrating a holiday by "doing things exactly the same as they are done any other day." "It is interesting to note that soon after the battle of Utapau, the Inquirer's typsetter (typesetter) in charge of the letter 's' was fired." And "The Part You Always Skip Over Because You're Bored of All this History and Want to Get to Notable Residents or Crap Like That." Some of this I found quite good, but unfortunately it was partially buried in what seemed to be randomness. The sentences tend to be long and involved, and I tended to get lost in them, and also found the Star Wars-Alabama crossover confusing (On second reading, I didn't find it nearly as confusing, which hints at doing a rewrite). All in all, the best parts of this article show definite talent and I can see you becoming a featured writer here someday. In the meantime, you might want to study Uncyc and see what works here and what doesn't.
User:FaygoMayhem "Jingle Belled to Death"
Opening quotes are common here and usually to be avoided; in this article, the quote from the song belongs, so good. I'd check your spelling and grammar, but that's minor--of more concern are many long sentences. I think a few can work here and add to the humour, but I'd shorten most of them. I liked the "chimney with cement" sentence, though. I thought murdering people pushed it a bit; I would have liked more of a build from beginning to end. I did like the humour in the "If you think about it" and "Christmas music isn’t even realistic" paragraph, but again the sentences were quite long. I didn't get "Pages I'm following" section. Also this could definitely use some images--virtually every article on Uncyc has them, and every featured article I've seen does. I'd have the narrator's cellmate in for something other than murdering Bing Crosby--something that would put the cellie at odds with the narrator might be funnier. Maybe you can get this ready for one of my favorite holidays, Christmas in July.
I think the intro is fine, except it talks more about "The Squablies" than it does The Squidbillies, and I didn't get the Courtney Love joke, although I liked some of the later ones. "The main complaint being that no one could remember the name of the show."--I like this. I also liked the "Jesus apparently hates her" joke and "Show that best portrays how everyone in the north imagines that everyone in the south is actually like." But I don't get the monkey jokes and really don't think it needs all the drug jokes, which I personally didn't find funny. Also this may just be my ignorance, but the article compared two TV shows and I didn't know what the live show was based on. I think this would work better if you either contrasted two very well-known shows and made it clear what they were, or just focus on one. The pictures were fine but I'd suggest making them a little bigger in the article so the comparisons are clearer. I definitely believe this article shows potential, and I look forward to seeing more. By the way, it was close for me between this and Jingle Belled, but I ranked JB higher because to me it had a higher ratio of humour to length.
Many Uncyclopedia articles--and those of "baby" Uncyclopedians--are soiled with seemingly obligatory opening quotes, especially one by Oscar Wilde. They aren't obligatory. Passing by that, yes, Justin, like virtually every singing star since the invention of television who makes masses of preteens go ga ga, is cute. But sorry, I didn't find calling him a girl funny. There are 16-hour rehearsals and hormone therapy sessions--with that I'd expect the therapy to be an important part of the article, but it wasn't. I liked the pie chart and the puberty joke. I didn't care for the "girly parts." And this conflicts with "Justin is straight"--a straight boy or girl? The "autotune" statement seems self-contradictory. I'd suggest you continue working on this, or move on to another article. Sometimes it's better to leave a project for a while and then go back to it.
This article should have been in User:ahadwick/Reader's Digest, but we let that slide. The reason for this is to avoid edits by others, and this was edited by an IP who may or may not have been the primary author, so we decided to simply ignore that edit. None of this affected my ranking of the article. Opening quotes are almost everywhere and overused on Uncyc--I wouldn't recommend using any unless they're fantastic. There are many long sentences--please avoid this as it gets the reader (me) lost. I appreciate the work done on the Reader's Digest images; that's not my favorite kind of humour but I can see past that and found some of those headings funny. I also liked "answer you may have eaten a bear"--although I'd fix the grammar. But the rest of the article seemed to be long sentences filled with scatological references. Frankly, I think I would have found the article funnier if it had simply said, "Shit!"