User:Ye Olde Luke
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|This user is on vacation, sabbatical, administrative leave, or is otherwise goofing off with the knowledge and/or consent of the Admins. Or, more likely, they've buggered off without saying boo to anyone. Their expected date of return is in five months. If you're lonely, or you miss them, leave a message.|
|This user is a cyborg and uses bionic features to fight crime. Resistance is futile.|
I am Ye Old Luke; hear me roar.
At least, you would hear me roar if I had the credibility to roar. Unfortunately, as I became a user a mere two minutes ago, I have no eligible reason to be roaring any more than an extra in a movie, in the sense that roaring in such a situation would only call attention to oneself and usually result in the unfortunate (yet utterly unimportant-to-the-plot) death of the ambitious newcomer.
Why this is, no one can say, except that in many a situation I have found that, when one is not the main character, it is a good idea to keep one's mouth shut, as is shown in the following situation:
NOTE: As of late, someone seems to be editing the below scenario. While I enjoy his additions, it seems to detract from the overall point of the diatribe. For this reason, I am leaving an editable version that anyone may contribute to if they feel like doing so. Please make your changes there!
[Six good guys are infiltrating the bad guy's fortress, in the hopes of capturing him.]
Main Character: All right, team, we're going in. A, B, take the left fork. C, D, you're with me through the right fork. E, hang back and cover this entrance.
[The men nod and spread out like Main Character said to. Main Character, C, and D head down a hallway.]
Main Character: Hmmmmmm... We haven't seen to have been attacked yet.
[Bad Guy minions come running down an adjacent hallway.]
C: Main Character! Look!
[Immediately after saying this, C is shot and killed by the first bullet fired. A gunfight ensues, and Main Character single-handedly shoots and kills all the minions.]
Main Character: All right, let's go.
[Meanwhile, E is busy guarding the front gate.]
E: Tra la la la la la la...
[The Bad Guy sneaks up from behind and slits his throat. He falls dead. Meanwhile, Main Character and D are sneaking through hallways. Suddenly, Main Character's radio beeps. He puts it to his ear.]
B: Main Character, this is B. I've infiltrated the enemy base, and I think I've discovered- Huh? What's that? Oh no! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Main Character: Hello? Hello? B? Are you there?
[No answer. Main Character starts running really fast down a hallway to find B. Eventually, he meets up with A.]
Main Character: Take us to whatever B found.
[The three run and end up in a big room. Bad Guy is waiting for them.]
Bad Guy Bwahahaa... You cannot defeat me!!!
A: I'll kill him for you, Main Character!
Main Character: No, A! Wait!
[But it is too late. A charges Bad Guy and Bad Guy instantly kills him.]
Bad Guy: You have no chance of defeating me!
Main Character: You'll never get away with this!
Bad Guy: Why don't you try and stop me?
Main Character: Fine, I will.
[The two have an epic duel and Main Character eventually kills Bad Guy while simultaneously doing something that will cause the entire base to explode.]
Main Character: Let's get out of here!
[Main Character and D escape the fortress and fly away as it blows up behind them. The world is saved yet again!]
As you can see, every extra that opened their mouth died soon after. D, apparently an experienced background character that is been through a few movies already, knew to keep his mouth shut, and survived because of it.
If you remember why I am telling you all this, it was to show you why I am not currently roaring. However, now that I have been a registered user for three hours and forty-seven minutes longer than when I started this explanation, I think I have been a user long enough to justify my roaring. So please disregard everything you have just read, since I now give my self permission to roar.
This just in!
Yet another reason for me to roar! I'm now an admin at the Humor Meta Wiki!
|You have been cited in Uncyclopedian Bios.|
Apparently you are "notable".
Don't ask me why; I think you're lame.
Congrats Old Friend you have succeeded twice in thwarting my evil plans... considering your story telling skills (not unlike other skills) I would like to put you to the test and challenge you to make a story containing the all of the following subjects...
(S1- Turtle, S2-Race, S3- a Rock, S4- the same Rock but different color, S5- War, S6- Rated G, S7- Daniel, S8- Bullets, S9- Internet, S10- HUMOR
HARK!!! A challenge! Cheer it in the streets, Ye Olde Luke has been challenged! Well, in the name of Uncyclopedia, I shall strive to complete this challenge to the best of my ability. Let the Story begin!
The Tortoise and the Dan
Chapter 1: The Short-Lived Race
Once, there was a crafty turtle who, despite his inherent slowness, had managed to beat almost every species of animal in the forest at racing, by using any number of sneaky tricks. Since he bragged constantly about his suceses to whomever he met, he quickly earned the resentment of most of the forest. Many animals fervently wished that somebody would best him, just once.
Then, one day, a young boy named Daniel went walking in the forest. He was spotted by the turtle, who had been waiting some time for a new opponent to show up. Quickly, he challenged Daniel to a 15-yard race. Daniel, thinking the race would be a cinch, readily agreed.
But, what Daniel, and all the other animals, didn't know, was that the turtle was no oridinary turtle. Once, long go, he had double-crossed a Grade G Wizard, who, in revenge, cast a Paradox Hex on him. This means that whenever the turtle or anyone else states a paradox, the paradox suddenly applies to the turtle, or the turtle can apply paradoxical logic to others. This was why the turtle was always able to defeat seemingly unbeatable enemies.
The next day, Daniel and the turtle took their place on a black-and-white pebled path, runnign throgh the forest. All the other animals, hoping Daniel could beat the turtle, crowded to watch.
As Daniel was preparing, the turtle sauntered up, and said loudly to Daniel, "You know, me being so slow and all, I don't suppose you would mind if I was given a bit of a head start?"
Daniel agreed, and the turtle plodded seven feet closer to the finish.
Nothing happened. Unfortunately, being a very small pop-gun, nobody actually heard it go off.
Luckily, the cork, after being shot, flew into a tree, and cracked a small branch, which sounded close enough like a gunshot, if a heartbeat late. Still, the "Crack!" sounded, and the two burst off their respectiv starting lines.
Or at least Daniel did. The turtle merely yelled at the top of his voice, "Remember the Achilles & the tortoise Paradox! It's imposible to catch up!"
Daniel, largely ignoring the turtle, was suddenly very shocked indeed when he found himself unable to pass the turtle as it trod along at approximately .2 mph. The turtle, now confidant of victory, headed for the finish line.
Daniel, quickly recalling the Achilles Paradox, realized it was just one of three. Upon realizing this, he yelled back, "But do you recall the Arrow Paradox? It's imposible to move! Therefore, you can't go anywhere!"
Hit by this, the trutle realized to his horror that he had suddnely been rooted to the ground. Daniel let out a cheer, and sped past the turtle towrd the finish line.
But the turtle had one last card to play. He called out "And yet there's still the The Dichotomy Paradox, Which says you couldn't even concievably start the race!"
And, like that, Daniel found himself back at Start. Unable to begin the race (or begin an attempt to go anywhere else), he too was rooted to the spot.
Furious, he glared at the Turtle, and declared, "This means WAR!!"
Chapter 2: The Long-Lived War
Three hours later, Daniel shuffled his stack of cards for the umpteenth time. eight feet down the road, he saw the monkey helping the turtle do the same.
"This is really stupid," grumbled Daniel. "Who's dumb idea was this anyway?"
"It was your idea to have a war," reminded the turtle, as the monkey drew the tutle's first card: a three.
"Ha!" said Daniel, triumphantly flipping over his card to reveal: a two. "Damn!"
Meanwhile, all the other animals had lost intrest in thier contest, and had long gone off to do more intresting things, like breathing, or watching grass grow.
"That's the problem with war," sighed the turtle, as the monkey put both cards in the turtle's collection pile. "It goes on and on, accomplishing nothing, until neither side even wants to fight any more, but they can't stop."
To bring the point home, the monkey put down the turtle's next card: a five.
Again, Daniel felt almost sure of victory, quickly showing his next card, which turned out to be: another two. "This wasn't what I had in mind when I said war," grumbled Daniel, as the monkey put the cards in the turtle's collection pile.
"Nor I, but how much can two people do when both are stuck to the ground?" asked the turtle, flipping over an eight.
"I guess you're right", said Daniel, as he flipped over: another two. "What the heck!!!" he swore. Some geese looked up, but quickly went back to sleeping by the lake shore.
"Is something wrong?" smiled the turtle, as the monkey turned over his next card: a king.
Daniel peeked at the next card in his deck, and flung the whole thing at the lake, accidentally hitting the geese. "I've had it!" he yelled.
"What? Are you giving up?" asked the turtle.
"No, we're just going to solve this a different way!" declared Daniel. The other animals, sensing something intresting happening, stopped observing photosynthesis and gathered back at the race track.
"A different way?" asked the turtle. "What do you have in mind?"
Daniel thought. "I don't know," he finally admitted.
If he had one, the turtle would have raised an eyebrow. "Really? Well, with your permission, I have just the way," he smiled.
Chapter 3: The The Middle-Lived Gamble
"I'm going to hide these two rocks, and you will pick one. If you pick the white rock, you immediately win the race. If you pick the black rock, I win. Deal?"
Daniel, now just wanting to leave, readily agreed.
The turtle removed his shell (everyone averted their eyes) and placed the two rocks in it.
However, Daniel peeked, and noiced that, while everyone was looking away, the turtle had actually switched the white rock with another black one! There was no way for Daniel to pick a white rock!
But, even as Daniel was realizing the significance of this, everyone had turned back around, and the turtle was holding his shell out. "Pick a rock, Daniel," he grinned.
Daniel stood, staring at the shell, which he knew had two black rocks, as all the animals waited on baited breath for him to pick a rock.
Suddenly, Daniel was struck with an idea. He reached in, graabbed a rock, and quick as he could chucked it into the lake.
There was an outcry. "What did you do that for?" exclaimed the turtle angrily.
This time, it was Daniel who smiled knowingly. "Don't worry, we can still tell what color rock I picked. Turtle, show us the rock in your shell."
At this moment, the turtle realized what Daniel was doing. "No!" he gasped, wrenching the shell away, but before he could do anything more the monkey whipped it out of his hands.
The monkey reached in, and drew out a black rock.
"Well, if there's the black rock, looks like I must have drawn the white rock!" said Daniel triumphantly.
The animals cheered. The turtle glowered as Daniel, the victor, was led away amonst a horde of animals celebrating the downfall of the arrogant turtle.
Well, there you have it! My response to the anonymous challenge! If you ever return, Monsieur IP, make sure to tell me what you think! I'll be waiting!
|This text is written in off-white, as opposed to white. It may be difficult to read, and you may have to strain you eyes or cheat and highlight it with your cursor to read it. CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER!
Thanks for voting for UnNews:White House discovered to be off-white!
Thank you. A merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you as well. --Lord Fluffy who rains fire from the heavens 01:44, 28 December 2007 (UTC)