User:YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans/Crate and Barrel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Crate & Barrel

Crate and barrel logo.png

Slogan: The Horror... the Horror!
Type: Private
Established: 1962, Chicago, Illinois, USA
Location: Northbrook, Illinois, USA
Industry: Torture

Crate and Barrel is an American store specializing in the torture of boyfriends & husbands everywhere. Headquartered in Northbrook, Illinois (the capital of torture-related industries), Crate and Barrel boasts man-incapacitating products such as stemware, chargers (not the electric kind), and especially vases.


A Typical Crate and Barrel Store. Note the lack of any cans of beer and/or Sports Illustrated magazines.

Crate and Barrel was founded in 1962 by Carole Segal, after she lost a marital fight with her football-minded husband, Gordon (who is credited as the co-founder). According to Carole, she "realized there had to be a better way to show your husband who's boss." So, she crated a store that serves as a showroom for home decor that "will make every stereotypically heterosexual male collapse on the floor in a fit of conniptions." Since then, Crate and Barrel has overtaken Ann Taylor as the primary torture dealer with such cringe-worthy products as the Louise Runner, a table runner which, in the words of affected boyfriend Lionel Irving, "not only has nothing to do with [his favorite hockey team] the New York Rangers, but matches everything in [his] girlfriend's bloody kitchen... because it has the same red flowers on it! AAAAAAA!"