User:Zim ulator/UnNews OpEd Columns Letters model

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Letters to the Editor and Columns.

UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Editorials and a feedback column. Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the intelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares. For those of you who don't remember newspapers, OpEd is short for Opinion Editorial.[1][2]

  1. No, it isn't. It means the page opposite the editorial page. That is, OpEd means exactly Columns, Mr. Redundancy. Signed, SPIKE
  2. Oh, piss off you anal-retentive amateur librarian. Signed, Zim_ulator


UnColumns:Chuck Norris - Secularism: the single greatest threat that America has ever faced

Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris, founder of the Chun Kuk Do school of Tang Soo Do Chopsocky, as well as wearer of the 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master in Tae Kwon Do, another of indeterminate color for Machado Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, rainbow suspenders for Tai Chi and a white apron in Tex-Mex cooking. Known as "the Bruce Lee of martial arts movies", he starred in films like Missing in Action (1984), Missing in Action II: The Missing Strikes Back (1985), and Missing in Action III: Return of the Missing (1988) before playing a Texas Ranger named Walker on the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger (1993-2001). He is also the author of The Justice Riders, a novel about justices who justly dispense justice, guided by their Conservative Christian worldview (the bedrock principles on which America was founded by the Founding Fathers, who founded America on the bedrock foundation of Conservative Christian principles), as they ride. In 2007, Chuck gave the commencement speech at Falwell's Liberty University. Five days later Jerry Falwell went to the Lord. The two incidents are unrelated.

He endorsed Mike Huckabee in 2008 in his bid for president. In return, Huckabee endorsed him in the All-Texas Chili Cook-off. Norris' entry placed third. more...



An eulogy for common sense and responsibility

Common sense and responsibility have both passed on from this mortal plane. They are survived by ignorance and entitlement. In these modern days they have become outdated concepts no longer taught in public schools or colleges. No longer used by workers or corporations or governments. No longer practiced by politicians and leaders.

They used to be all about what was best for the human race, for society, for everyone. But now ignorance and entitlement are what seems to be best for the individual via the popular opinion.

Common sense and responsibility started to die out hundreds of years ago as ignorance and entitlement were born. At that time people stopped trying to answer questions and search for the truth and do what was right. It become more about individuals than anything else in the world, and ignorance and entitlement grew.

As more people became individuals, they stopped using common sense and responsibility, and started to become like everyone else to claim their own personal individuality. Common sense would tell them that if they became like everyone else, they would not be an individual any more. But people decided to listen to ignorance instead. more...



UnNews Column OpEd on ATBF:Kettle color irrelevant, pot is an asshole

If there ever was a case of the pot calling the kettle black, it is the faux outrage expressed by Rush Limbaugh over comments in Barack Obamas first physical as president; specifically, a recommendation that the President drink moderately. From this, we are told by the likes of Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and their ilk at Fox News, the American people are to deduce that Barack Obama is an alcoholic.

Of course, in this great land of ours, where it is considered treasonous to label George W. Bush a moron, yet at the same time, it's OK for some to call Obama a Nazi/Socialist/Elitist, mostly-Republican-and-Libertarian, white-trash-redneck-intellectual, Teabag-partiers are so enmeshed in their Judeo-Christian, white supremecist, self-important dream world, that the yawning gaps which we critical thinkers perceive between truth and idealism of any sort appears to their hindsighted vision as an affront against God, Jesus and country.

The events I've described above took place around March first this year. It occurs to me, as Chief Janitorial Servicing Editor and a disreputable UnJournalist, that at a major news publication such as UnNews, articles should be "fresh" and topical. Thus far, this article has been neither. more...


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Janitors Closet:
Bitch, piss, and moan at your Janitorial Services Editor.

Dear Janitors Closet,
While I was mildly amused with the attempt at humor in your story, UnNews:Mass. Gov. Deval Patrick, "I will play the race card", I feel I must take issue with your reference to "stolen elections". These are serious charges, even when leveled by an obscure, low-brow entity like yourselves, and I personally am insulted by the very idea that a Massachusetts election can in some way be manipulated by anyone except authorized Communist Party Officials.

To end on a high note, your picture and caption of me were fairly funny.

Deval Patrick,

Premier of the Autonomous Federated Soviet Republic of Massachusetts
Dear Mr Patrick,
Don't be personally insulted by the state of affairs in your Communist motherland. It's beyond the control of one Premier. If blame is to be placed, let it be squarely on the shoulders of world Communism. After all, it is the Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist ideals perpetuated in your own Autonomous Republic which will bring you to your knees, as it did the rest of the U.S.S.R.

Janitorially yours,

The Editorial Stiff

Dear Editors,
Good satire works from facts. This story did not. As an attempt at humor, it fell flat.

It simply makes light of (fictitious) kids with cancer and misstates the work of the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Not cool, friends.

I get satire. I really do. I love it, in fact. I work at the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and pound for pound we're a pretty funny bunch. Some of us are downright hilarious. Just ask us.

But when you take a story like this and try to make humor by portraying a great organization as one that is corrupt and cruel, all you do is plant erroneous seeds of doubt about our integrity in the minds of your readers, and make yourselves look contemptible.

The irony on which you are trading is erroneous. By suggesting that we get our money back if a wish recipient lives to adulthood, you advance the falsehood that the children to whom we grant wishes are terminally ill. In fact, they all have life-threatening medical conditions, but upwards of 80 percent of them live into adulthood.

If you don't understand the object of your satire -- and if your attempt at humor is built entirely upon a false assumption derived from your own lack of information -- I'm sorry, but you're just not funny.

But it gets worse: Consider this excerpt: "...Make-A-Wish - and (sic) organization that supports the death of terminally ill children, while attempting to make celebrities feel good about themselves..." What in the world is funny about that?

Good satire is fun to read, even when someone is poking fun at you or your organization. It is not fun to read this sort of trash. If you had any shame, you'd take this post down.

My guess is, it will stay posted.

Paul Allvin, Vice President of Marketing and Communications

Make-A-Wish Foundation of America
Dear Mr Allvin,
Congratulations! You are the first UnNews reader to submit a coherent and legitimate complaint to editorial staff, at least since I got here in 2006.
You probably understand that satire, and humor in general, is ultimately subjective. A reasonable person understands that sometimes, some people find some things funny which others find offensive. Such are the vagaries of human existence.
We are amateur humorists here, Mr. Allvin. Humor (and on occasion, humour) is an experimental science. Sometimes, a joke is so awful, even the person who conceived it hates it. Still, short of your lone complaint, I have no reason to pull or edit the subject story.
From reading your letter, I see no valid arguments. In fact, by appealing to my sense of shame, followed by the sarcastic remark, "My guess is, it will stay posted", I see no other recourse than to say to you, sir, "I know you are, but what am I?"


The Editor,

rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 02:26, May 26, 2010 (UTC)

Dear Sir or Madam:

Regarding the story Mexican president lays out agenda for US, I like Little Felipe's immigration solution, as Mexico practices it and as he expressed it to CNN: "We send back them." If we do not send back him, we will enter an ugly era of even uglier use of English.


Atlas Paul,

Snake's Hips, Kentucky

Dear Atlas Paul,
Thank you for your witty remark. I'll add it to the pile. This journalist concurs with your fears about the erosion of the English language at the hands (or would that be lips?) of the damned foreigners, and so, think you're smart enough to be our friend. Speaking of ugly uses for things, what's your sister doing tomorrow night?.

Sui generis,

The Editor

Dear Editor:

One voice that was notably missing from your recent article on BP concedes Gulf oil spill raised sea level 12 feet was that of Al Gore. I read in the legitimate press that Mr. Gore recently bought himself and Tipper a mansion on the oceanfront, which he would not have done if he really believed his own pap about human-caused global warming and the rise in sea levels. Is it too much to hope that this windbag is 11 feet, 6 inches underwater by now?


Art Bell,

Pahrump, Nevada

Dear Art Bell,
Most of our staffers have been down with Al Gore Fatigue Syndrome since the beginning of May, making it impossible to refer to Mr. Gore without serious health risks. We apologize for this, and recommend you go screw yourself if you don't like it. Also, we take exception to your implication that UnNews is somehow not a legitimate press service. Kindly take a crushed glass enema for your delusional thinking.


The Editor

Dear Self-important Uncle-fucker,

Nobody gives a shit about your cats, or the fact that you're a pothead, or a commie, and whatever else you are. Fuck you, and everybody who looks like you. If I ever see you on the street, you'd better run. Just fuck off and die already.

Very sincerely,

A truant, piss-ant little bastard
Dear A truant, piss-ant little bastard,
What's the deal with all that hostility, bra? Doctor Janitor prescribes whatever is popular at the medicinal marijuana clinic. If you're not so fortunate as to live in a civilized state, where you don't get bothered much for weed, just avoid ditch weed unless you're prone to smoking "blunts".

Janitorially yours,

The Editor