User talk:Uncle J

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Hello, Uncle J, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for n00bs:

I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button (Button sig.png) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, or ask at the Dump. Again, welcome!  ~ T. (talk) 10:15, 16 June 2006 (UTC)

Ah, Good to know[edit]

...that THIS is the genious behind GTA:HV.--<<>> 14:09, 15 September 2006 (UTC)

women are stupid[edit]

I couldn't resist reading that one, my wife and I both found it hilarious. Since I hadn't said this to you yet, welcome to UnNews. Thanks for your feedback. I like to hear how others think I'm doing, since I live in a cave and see no one except by appointment.

I remain bat fuck insane, rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 19:34, 12 October 2006 (UTC)


Tvcc.jpg Bradaphraser was throwing away last year's Christmas cards, and
realised they had purposefully forgotten about you.
This user is completely thoughtless, doesn't care about Multi-culturalism,
and therefore DEMANDS you have yourself a Merry little Christmas... NOW!

Failure to comply with result in disciplinary action up to and including excommunication from the Capitalist Church

May you focus on your successes and forget your failures here at the end of the year. Never forget how we all improve one another's lives. Season's Greetings.--<<>> 17:35, 17 December 2006 (UTC)

Karatechimp.jpg zim_ulator wishes you a Merry Kaizum Me!
the first holiday officially sanctioned by the church of zimizm (cOz)!

rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 01:30, 19 December 2006 (UTC)

Welcome to UnNews[edit]

Thanks for your contribution to UnNews:Barack Obama calls for Socialist Revolution in America, and whatever else you may have done thus far (I'm way too lazy to research that myself). I'm considering adding you to the as-yet-uncreated Jackbooted Links Brigade. Cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 22:05, 26 January 2007 (UTC)

The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir Zim_ulator, contemplating your fate.

Welcome to UnNews, Uncle J, and thank you for contributing some crap, or otherwise attracting my attention. For a quick introduction about how you can write a decent or better UnNews article, please take a minute read our spiffy new Style Guide.

I am your humble servant (in your dreams), and if I may be of help to you, please leave me a note on my talk page.

Good things that can happen to you

You can win awards and prizes! You can become a better writer by subjecting your articles to the scrutiny of UnNews critique machine or UnCanninator shit article detection system. You can become a thorn in the side of Journalism as a whole. You can get promotions, ribbons, and free crockery! You can write stuff your mom would be ashamed to show her friends.

What happened to my article?

If you've submitted an article, and it's disappeared, I may have mercy-moved it to your user space. This means I've probably left a message on your talk page, likely in close proximity to this very message, explaining why.

Your article may have been tagged for ICU if it has significant problems meeting our criteria, or I may have deleted it because you did not register as a user.

Finally, maybe you just pissed me off. I mean, I know I'm a Roshi, and I'm supposed to be all "Zen" about everything, but I have bad days too, you know?

UnNews Audio

If you are interested in doing an UnNews audio, check this out.

UnNews UnFunnies

At present, I create UnCartoons for UnNews all by my onesies, for better or worse. Now, I will never claim that I am a good cartoonist. Fortunately, the internet provides us a way to do all sorts of things simply and easily. I found, a great site to create cartoons with a minimum of talent.

This document is an ongoing effort by me to enhance the obfuscation coefficient of Uncyclopedia; productive changes, and criticism are welcome. Cheers! The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 17:38, March 28, 2010 (UTC)


I assume you asked me if I was a creationist so you could put "Warning: This article was written by a creationist!" on Cremationism? It's not like there's a disclaimer on Evilution saying "Warning: THis article was written by an atheist!"

If you don't like it just revert it --Uncle J 04:06, 31 January 2007 (UTC)

Re: Evilution picture[edit]

You're welcome. It's from HBO's "Friends of God" documentary trailer. It's on youtube and features all kinds of nice signs. Pretty disturbing stuff if you ask me. Bob Fleming 17:08, 8 February 2007 (UTC)

About picture above: Can we have one of Muhammed or Darwin riding a t-rex? Beezwax 02:31, 10 February 2007 (UTC)

Creationists are full of shit[edit]

You've spent too much time with the "so-called experts" at Wikipedia. I can tell. Beezwax 03:43, 9 February 2007 (UTC)

Look here, you're comparing apples and oranges. Creationism has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with people who believe in flat earth. Come on! There's enough evidence for creation that it can be removed from the category of "People who believe in magic". Of course, Oromis from Eragon believes in magic, and he is an atheist! What do you have to say to that?! Beezwax 01:36, 10 February 2007 (UTC)

And here's an example of our country's growing intolerance of Christianity: two Gideons being jailed just for being on a public sidewalk! Why should we tolerate your crap if you can't even tolerate us being on your stupid asshole sidewalks????!!!!! Beezwax 02:21, 10 February 2007 (UTC)
And believe it or not, Atheists and evolutionists have a god too! Want to know what it is? I'll give you a hint: every time we creationists talk about evolution being based on random chance, you guys say, "No, it's based on ___ which is not random." So, can you figure it out? Beezwax 13:48, 10 February 2007 (UTC)

Shhhh. -- 14:42, 11 February 2007 (UTC)


Zeeky.JPG Gneomi has awarded you some hot stuff to jihad your own ride! Zeeky.JPG
For voting on Jihad My Ride.
"Never forget: Jihad is not all about war. It is about creating cool stuff and making cars look better. Yo jihad yo!!"

Token of thanks[edit] Lac gratia tu ad suffragium per The Justice League!

--~ Tophatsig.png

16:51, 17 February 2007 (UTC)

My Native Language[edit]

No matter if you confuse spanish, portuguese or italian, those languages really look alike at first view. I speak portuguese. The uncyclopedia in my orginal language is awful because it has absolutely no refined humour and is filled with cursing, as if jokes about people's ass were funny all the time. They also make a lot of internal jokes, specially about soccer (or football, if you prefer). If you search for countries that speak portuguese, I'm sure you will discover where I'm from. Kiss Kiss :P --DAME :: FoxyBabe :: TALK 13:43, 21 February 2007 (UTC)

Isn't amazing how no one cares about a freak guy with a sword entering their homes and walking aroud the living room? I surely would get scared!--DAME :: FoxyBabe :: TALK 14:03, 23 February 2007 (UTC)

Open Your Inventory[edit]

FoxyBabe has awarded you with a Key Item!
For voting on HowTo:Live in an RPG.
"I found it inside a weird chest placed mysteriously in Lava Mountain. Still haven't figured out what it does, so keep it in your inventory, it may come in handy to eliminate a dancing mushroom."

DAME :: FoxyBabe :: TALK 13:51, 23 February 2007 (UTC)


AtomicPrizeAvatar.jpg Atomic Disturbance has awarded this person a
Mainly because he gets them for free.
I actually had no goddamn clue my article was on VFH. I thank thee, good sir, for informing me.-- 18:21, 23 February 2007 (UTC)

In Soviet Russia, award gives YOU![edit]

Red M&M.png Comrade NeedABrain has awarded you a red M&M!
Due voting on Practical Lessons on Communism

"In Soviet Russia, article features YOU!"

-- herr doktor needsAshuttle Rocket.gif [scream!] 15:50, 1 March 2007 (UTC)

UNnews "Link" follow up[edit]

Hey, I really liked your piece on Link and thought of a good concept for a follow up article. The first ends mentioning that arrangements for Link's trial are still being made right, well I was thinking, what if The Great Deku Tree claims custody of Link, as the guardian of all the kids from Kokiri Forest and demands that Link be tried as a minor by the Kokiri courts instead.

I thought I'd pitch it to you and see if you were interested in the idea before writing it myself. Thanks --Benny Goodman 16:54, 2 March 2007 (UTC)

How strange it is that you didn't write that Link article, it was attributed to you on the article's talk page.--Benny Goodman 19:08, 2 March 2007 (UTC)
Aha! ok I figured out where I went wrong, I was looking at the history for the talk page at the time and am stupid. =p, sorry--Benny Goodman 19:10, 2 March 2007 (UTC)
"Vote for UnNews: Cardinals beat Tigers in 5 games to win World Series" you say? You make a persuasive argument... deal, it is funny anyways. --Benny Goodman 19:20, 2 March 2007 (UTC)
yeah no problem man, a lot of strange stuff gets through, but what ever, guess that means it appeals to a different sense. Anyways, best of luck with the VHF and you're right, UnNews:Boy subjected to harsh criticism, cries like little girl. is a fantastic article.--Benny Goodman 20:45, 2 March 2007 (UTC)

UnNews:Parti Québécois gains support in Alberta[edit]

Thank you for your vote. It's nice to know that someone gets my sense of humor. Please don't die! I plan on writing more. :) --Kenvalyi 02:32, 3 March 2007 (UTC)

We Shall Never Forger[edit]

~ 17:13, 4 March 2007 (UTC)

meh, again[edit]

AtomicPrizeAvatar.jpg Atomic Disturbance would like to thank you for voting for
UnNews:Boy subjected to harsh criticism, cries like little girl.

The Power Is Yours!
449px-Crying boy.jpg
Thanks for your continual support of the article too. Anyway, yay. -- 20:20, 9 March 2007 (UTC)


The-golden-chainsaw.jpg Welcome to the Chaingang from El Zoof! Now go cut your head off - safely!
Thanks for voting for HowTo:Cut Your Own Head Off With a Chainsaw

--El Zoof 02:03, 10 March 2007 (UTC)

Thanks from UnNews latest blabber mouth[edit]

Network rage.jpg I'm Mad As...

Thank you for your vote. And, yes, I'm seeking professional help.

Thank you, my fellow Canadian. Kenvalyi 01:46, 1 April 2007 (UTC)


Good day. You've recently expressed interest* in David DeAngelo's Newsletter and subscribed to the free newsletter therein. The above article has been nominated for feature status and according to your agreement**, you are obligated to vote in its entry. Thank you and have a nice day.--Medvedev (scream) 06:47, 10 April 2007 (UTC)
**Reading the page.


Next time you place an article on VFH, take a better look look at what you're doing. Your nom overran mine, and I only caught it by mistake. ~ 14:00, 20 May 2007 (UTC)


Pb 2.jpg

Paul Bunyan thanks you for supporting him and his fellow bunyanists in the ongoing struggle against the evils of science and reason. Mr. Bunyan salutes you!

much obliged :) --THE 13:48, 9 June 2007 (UTC)

Bipolar Bears[edit]

Here's two bucks a charming portrait of a bipolar bear for your heartfelt support of manic-depressive wildlife.

Bipolar Bears Rule!!

- Sir Roger 06:09, 5 July 2007 (UTC)

lol hai[edit]

so i herd u liek vandalizing encyclopedia dramatica. Oops lol. --Blu Aardvark 22:28, 15 July 2007 (UTC)

Yeah, it beats wikipedia --Uncle J 22:30, 15 July 2007 (UTC)

Anyone vandalising other sites in the name of this one are likely to face a hefty ban. No one here as any issues with ED, we really don't care. However vandals, and vandals who claim to be acting in our name become our issue. -- Sir Mhaille Icons-flag-gb.png (talk to me)


Hey Uncle J, I got your message and I tried to read your article and vote against the nomination for deletion but it appears I have the timing of a donut-laden OPP officer with vomit inducing flatulence (true story). Sorry to hear about it though. I guess I'll have to get off my lazy ass and write some more stories about crotch droppings and yuppy larvae... that'll teach 'em! --Kenvalyi 21:28, 23 July 2007 (UTC)

Image:JohnMorgan Mayor CBRM.jpg[edit]

Hey there. You uploaded the above referenced image, and it is being used on the English Wikipedia in John Morgan's article, claiming a Wikimedia Commons license, but it is about to be deleted because it does not have any source information. If you can provide that (where you found it, or if you took it yourself), then the copyright status can be verified, and it won't go away. The file on en.wikipedia is Image:MayorJohnWMorgan.jpg . If you did take the photo yourself, you can release it expressly. You can drop me a note on if you want. Thanks in advance. - Crockspot 22:55, 1 October 2007 (UTC)

Never mind. I found the source here. Sorry to bother. - Crockspot 23:15, 1 October 2007 (UTC)


Good job. I'd give you an award of some sort, but we communists were too poor due to western, right-wing capitalist pigs and we had to eat it. Feebas factor 21:42, 13 October 2007 (UTC)


Hey, you posted on the page of some bastard who stole my username a while ago. I just now created an account, and I have to be GL2? How ridiculous is that? He hasn't been on in forever, I might just redirect his pages to me, since he only made three edits. Anyway... I might get around to helping you on the RW article. GHammer and Sickle text gold.pngdlessLiberal 01:20, 31 October 2007 (UTC)


Bakedak.jpg You are presented with one (1) serving of delicious flaming
Baked Alaska in thanks for your vote for Alaska.
Extreme caution should be used when making, eating,
or igniting Baked Alaska. And be sure to keep Uncle Leo's
oxygen tank at least 30 meters away.

enjoy!--SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:15, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

awesome again[edit]

You are presented with one (1) package of
Red Baron French Bread PizzaTM for your vote for
that article involving flying things..
Please note that Red Baron microwaveable pizzasTM
may cause loss of altitude or engine failure.

enjoy!--SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:59, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

Award from UN:REQ[edit]

Thumbs up2.jpg

This user created Haiti, an article originally requested on Uncyclopedia:Requested Articles. Good for them us!
(for more information, see award statistics)

UnNews on sex scandal[edit]

Promising concept! Needs a lot of editing! "spend" should be "spent" in at least 3 places; also add links and bold/italics. Cheers! Spıke ¬  14:24 12-Feb-10

Much improved. Good pix. Spıke ¬  15:55 12-Feb-10

UnNews on signing of Barilko[edit]

I mentioned your article by e-mail to a sports fan. He replied, "I had heard they signed Tim Horton." Perhaps the seeds of a follow-on article on the Leafs. Spıke ¬  22:57 15-Feb-10

I heard he just ordered a double-double --Uncle J 21:52, February 16, 2010 (UTC)

Corpse sled[edit]

Hi, great page. I did an edit option, you had the corpse being spoken to as if he could hear, which breaks the joke. I changed it to his coach talking to an UnNews reporter. Hope that's ok. Nice work. ~ User:Aleister in Chains User talk:Aleister in Chains 21:43 20 Feb. MMX


 –  User talk:Zana Dark User:Zana Dark (ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN 07:53, 1 March 2010

UnNews:NASCAR: Carl Edwards gets probation for killing fellow driver[edit]

Big problems in the second half. I understand that the joke is that NASCAR values profits more than human life--but you must not have a spokesman saying that! You are stating your punch line rather than guiding your reader to it on his own! Spıke ¬ 00:50 11-Mar-10

PS--I've minced words in the first half with two edits (without addressing the above concern). And have recorded an audio feature based on your report. You are now listed in UnNews:UnNewsAudio as a contributor. In the audio version, I left out everything about the complicity of the police and the courts. But I believe the crassness of NASDAQ will come shining through. Spıke ¬ 02:13 11-Mar-10

PPS--I've also changed the title of the article. Your headline was too long and didn't follow UnNews style (all lowercase except first letter and where grammar dictates caps). Spıke ¬ 02:49 11-Mar-10

My bad, I took a year long sabbatical from uncyclopedia so i am unfamiliar with the rules, I think the article looks better and you didn't change that much, its been a long time since any of my articles got recorded, mostly from 2006 and 2007 when Zim was still doing them --Uncle J 05:59, March 12, 2010 (UTC)

Not too bad! Details are in the change summaries of my edits. The final one moves to the end of the story the two paragraphs I didn't record (on the police and the courts) and recommends that you delete them. Zim is still here, and has moved up from actually doing the work to managing it! I arrived about eight months ago. Everyone is unfamiliar with the rules, so last week I rewrote the Style Guide to try to align it with reality. You follow my most important rule for UnNews humor: to have your story be inspired by real news and to read like real news. Spıke ¬ 11:10 12-Mar-10

Toronto Maple Leafs[edit]

This article is up for deletion on VFD. My vote was Keep and Commit--to you, if you would like to take custody of it. Spıke ¬ 02:36 4-Apr-10

Yeah I'll take a look at it, its pretty bad though, it will probably need a complete rewrite --Uncle J 14:29, April 23, 2010 (UTC)

VFD voted to keep the article (3-2)--All of the Keep voters declared that it needed rewriting. At your leisure. Spıke ¬ 14:46 23-Apr-10

Edmonton Oilers[edit]

This other hockey-team article is on VFD as well--and it's in worse shape. Intervene if you care. Spıke ¬ 14:10 17-May-10

HowTo:Pick up women...[edit]

...had been unedited for a week, making it a candidate for deletion. However, as it shows promise I'm not going to huff it as a abandoned work in progress and have moved it to your userspace where it's safe and - I hope - you'll find time to finish it. :-) Rabbi Techno Icons-flag-gb.png kvetch Icon rabbi.gif Contribs Foxicon.png FOXES 18:38, May 7, 2010 (UTC)

Yeah, I've been kind of busy the last week, didn't get a chance to finish it yet, thanks for moving it --Uncle J 14:34, May 8, 2010 (UTC)

Good. It'll remain unhuffed until whenever you've finished and move it into mainspace. :-) Rabbi Techno Icons-flag-gb.png kvetch Icon rabbi.gif Contribs Foxicon.png FOXES 14:36, May 8, 2010 (UTC)