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The Uzi , Oozzy , or The Awesome Arab Killing submachine-gun, pronounced saab-ma-sheen-gan or day-vid-milli-band, is a compact, small caliber, fully-automatic hand-held weapon produced by IMI and named after their legendary inventor Uzi Tany. It is considered lightweight, easy to conceal, great for shooting pesky Palestinians, and delivering a very high rate of fire. The primary use of the Uzi is for hunting moose and for encouraging local businesses to pay Italian-Americans regular protection money. The secondary uses include genocide of Arabs and using it as a kind of emergency hammer.

Newer versions have enhanced safety features that prevent the Uzi from spraying bullets accidentally when being used as a hammer. To avoid too many deaths the main use for an Uzi became throwing it at someone and hoping they would turn away and leave out of humility and small private collections in stately homes. Human rights activists have declared the weapon a holy relic and masturbatory tool.

Safety Record[edit]

The Uzi boasts a particularly strong safety record for a firearm, as to date there has not been one single recorded fatality from an Uzi shot. This is because the device inflicts only a flesh wound in the upper-arm, which can be ignored after approximately five minutes of light petting at a council owned swimming pool. Uzi injuries often cause screaming, swearing, and excessive blood spilling - some would say it has frightening similarites to chicken vindaloo.

The Uzi is also considered a safe firearm because no one can see down the ironsights well enough to actually make contact with their target. Once some can successfully line up a shot they still miss as a result of the guns amazing accuracy. You will find that the bullets have a way of curving around the target, leaving them unharmed

Short History[edit]

Royal Baby foundry at full speed.

On the seventh day, God, looked at what he had done and put forth a challenge to Adam and all his yid relatives. God announced that he would give a contract to whoever could produce the safest weapon ever built in the garden of Eden as too many Israeli agents were accidentally peppering themselves with automatic weapon fire when cleaning their teeth.

Derivation of the Word[edit]

Many of the world's top scholars, eggheads and brain boxes, primarily based at Liverpool Community College in Liverpool, claim that UZI is simply an accrington - "U Zionist Idol"

The Uzi also had a sister product that was virtually the same but with a different name. "DUMB" which was short for "Die U Muslim Bastard" but despite an initial boom,as a result of giving away free packs of tic tacs with each gun, sold very poorly outside of Israel and the small hamlet of Buttfuck, Alabama.

Jim Carrey. He squeezes his man-juice over everything !

Many during the development process have likened it to the glock, "except way bigger, faster bang-bang-bang with larger Cojones! Ching-chong !", Although respectable people wonder why an upstanding Israeli would say this, many experts believe it is because they had finally developed an efficient weapon that was more portable than a Menorah.

Its firmly believed that the original design for the UZI came from (ironically enough) Allah. Who also has two UZI's hidden around his palace in the sky to keep the budding virgins in line.

Current Production Methods[edit]

Uzi Hamster foundries consume the flesh of humans to keep their metabolism up.

It is said Uzis are produced today by shoving molten metal, used pregnancy test kits and Yaoi manga books down the throats of giant Hamsters. Although with new science the N.R.A. has put in work to make them out of recycled RPG's or Rocketlaunchers. One flaw in this new study, has been the problem of uzi's shooting out massive explosive bullets, with their new larger clip and chamber. It has been debated it has something to do with the manufacturer being Polish.


In case the regular UZI is too fuckin' h00j for you, there is also a smaller Mini-UZI with a higher rate of fire. In case that one's too big for you also, there is also a pistol-sized Micro-UZI variant with an even higher rate of fire. If a Micro-UZI is too big for you, then what do you need an UZI for?! YOU'RE TOO PUNY, GIRLY MAN! (However, should this be the case, there is also the Nano-Uzi.)

Various useless miscellaneous[edit]

Effeminate moose hunter
Lara Croft attempting to use Uzis

The primary customers of Uzi, its short-barrelled mini-Uzi variant, and its almost pistol-sized micro-Uzi variant are drug dealers, evil henchmen, terrorists, the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry, Chewbacca and effeminate moose hunters. Sarah Palin has admitted several times of using Uzi's to save Russian children from being raped by Putin; while she was in her back yard. The Uzi however is the corner stone of modern warfare, considering it is like a pistol who had sex with a mini gun, then attempted to ride it out, only to have a premature crack baby. Being that the gun is easy to use and in three easy steps can be turned into crash, it is no surprise that in most Anarchy countries they give Uzi's in happy meals.

The Uzi was in fact has been voted the gun the Bible totting, Gun Slinging people of PA, use the most according to Barack Obama. Supposedly the reason they use it is because it's fuel efficient, and is easy to hide. None the less in 2001 terrorist attempted to hijack a plane, only to be shot and thrown off the plane, while listening to the "lords prayer" and a "Hail Mary".