Vaati

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Vaati
Tmc vaati 1024.jpg
The cut mark under the eye confirms he's an Emo
First appearance Gone with the Wind
Last appearance Mary Poppins
No. appearances OVER 9,000!!!
Created by Shigeru Potatomoto
Portrayed by The Joker
Profile
Nickname(s) One-Eyed Jack
Aliases Gufuu
Species Gay
Age 42
Gender Male
Date of birth 0 AD
Date of death Never!
Starsign Orion's Belt
Occupation Being cool
Family None
Spouse(s) You
Children You
Relatives None
Address He's everywhere, man!
Religion He doesn't have one, because people worship him.
Nationality Too cool for one
Would Harry Potter™ subpoena him/her? {{{O-Wilde}}}

Lord Vaati, Fart Mage, Sorcerer of Darkness, Lord of Dark Hyrule Castle, opera lover, sportsman, beauty therapist and 1337 h4x0r, is, to put it simply, the coolest guy alive. He is so awesome that people five miles away go "Woah!" every time he so much as breathes. It actually gets kinda annoying after a while.


Childhood[edit]

Vaati the munchkin was born in 1982 in the Minish Woods, to Mr. and Mrs. Cruel-enough-to-give-their-kid-such-an-odd-name. He had four brothers, Sauron, Voldemort, Darth Vader, Biff Tannen and one sister, Lucy van Pelt. His mother died when he was four and throughout his childhood he was bullied by his wicked step-mother. She made him do housework and raised him on a diet of gruel. Then, one day, Vaati's fairy godmother came and turned Vaati into a mage and his stepmum into a pumpkin. Vaati took an apprenticeship with Ezlo, an older munchkin mage (who should, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be confused with Elmo). Little did Ezlo know the horror that was to come...

Early career[edit]

[sock]]s and scrubbing the gussets of his longjohns, Vaati rebelled and kicked Ezlo's butt. He stole Elmo's limited edition Pokémon league collectors hat, and turned himself into a purple humanoid with freaky glowing red eyes (actually, they look pretty damn cool). He turned Ezlo into a lame hat. But don't feel sorry for Elmo. He is a git, as Link found out the hard way.

Vaati trained himself in the ways of the ninja, quickly becoming a master of the sword. Then he created the Master Sword. And threw it away because he was too honorable to have such a kickass weapon as that.

In 2005, Vaati entered the Munchkin Festival using what he intended to be some lame weapon, which he named "thee sworde ofe bageles". He won with ease, then realised the weapon was too awesome and disposed of it. It was picked up by some fat giant, who renamed it the "Biggoron Sword" and sold it to some stupid kid. Except he made the kid wait a few days just to be irritating.

Vaati was then intercepted on his way to the Incredible Prize of the Munchkin Swordfighter Tournament (TM) by the Princess Celda. Vaati turned her into stone and proceeded on his merry little way. He then released some animals which had been locked in a chest.

King Vaati the Great[edit]

Vaati became a great king and ruled over Hyrule. He was just and fair and decent and stuff, and was a pioneer of a number of laws, among them votes for Like Likes and free LonLon milk for schoolkids. He even turned himself into a godlike floating eyeball (historians are still debating as to whether or not this actually was a god in the strictest sense; it is possible that it was merely an eye, as the Hyrulians have been known to worship a number of worthless nonentities whom it is charitable to refer to as people, let alone supreme kings of glory. Look at Zephos, he's just a toad in a cloud). Things were looking promising for Vaati, until one day some stupid little dweeb with a talking hat, a cane and a group of illegal human clones came and sealed him away inside some sucky sword of four or whatever it was called. This was of course totally unreasonable; all Vaati had done was attempt to become a killer deity with powers of ultimate destruction.

Years in exile[edit]

Vaati was imprisoned in the Four Sword four ages (no punintended), until some idiot drew it and was split into four (four four four four. Good word that. Good and woody. Not in the least bit tinny). Vaati escaped with Zelda and fled to his one hundred and twenty four-rupee mansion, the Palace Above the Clouds. Some utter prat broke in and sealed him inside the sword again.

Vaati was almost getting used to being inside the sword when, one year later, some guy freed him. Vaati was absolutely thrilled, until Ganondorf broke the magic mirror and possessed Vaati, who was then betrayed and hacked to pieces in a brutal murder. Of course, Vaati survived the attack. Good video game villains never die.

Vaati today[edit]

Having fallen on hard times, Vaati for some years worked behind the counter at Tesco. Then, he sank even lower and became the presenter of the Hyrulian edition of Big Brother. He hasn't yet sank to the level of a Big Brother contestant, but septics say it's only a matter of time...

Vaati's inventions[edit]

Vaati has invented a number of cool things that people love. These include bagels, the Master Sword, the Biggoron Sword, the Light Force, catgirls, God, sliced bread and asses. Before that, everybody walked around without any asses.

Vaati's tenure on Big Brother[edit]

A number of losers appeared on Big Brother Hyrule. They were as follows:

Big Brother Hyrule will be remembered for ever for its outstanding representation of the Old Hyrulian tongue (previously banned as a form of code) and the amusing behaviour of the housemates. More recently, however, the show has come under fire for alleged racist bullying of Ganondorf by the other housemates. This has led to widespread rioting in the Desert Province, and a formal investigation by the Hyrulian media. The investigations came to an abrupt halt on the discovery that (a) Ganondorf is an evil man bent on world domination and (b) nobody gives a damn about Big Brother Hyrule.

Vaati is Innocent!!![edit]

I'm not kidding. Vaati actually IS innocent. He has committed NO CRIMES whatsoever. Here is the case against Vaati. I hope that now I present the truth you will see the prosecutors' allegations for the worthless drivel they are.

  • Vaati is a bad guy!
    • Vaati is NOT a bad guy. Not really. Vaati is actually tragically misunderstood and cruelly persecuted. Anyway, as someone stupid once said, there is no good and evil, only power, and those too weak to seek it. So there. Anyway, we all need to be bad from time to time.
  • Vaati must be a bad guy; he looks like one
    • Oh I see, you racist bigot. Discriminating against him because of his appearance? Is it coz he is purple? Or do you just fail to recognise the sheer über-awesomeness of red eyes? Or are you just against his gothic fashion sense? Actually, I wouldn't blame you there, except that for a Zelda character, he's got a pretty good dress sense. It's better than that wimpy skirt Link wears, anyway. And don't even talk to me about Tingle.
  • No, I meant he looks like a giant eye
    • So does Sauron, and nobody has any problem with him, do they? Wait, Vaati does. But not because he's an eye. Sauron is hatable because he is evil, whereas Vaati has done nothing wrong.
  • He kidnapped Zelda!
    • Didn't everybody?

By the way, in fact, he didn't do this. Stone-Zelda was with her father all the time, in Hyrule Castle. Okay, when Vaati find out, that Zelda is the light force, or it flows in her veins, or something like that, then he must rescue her life, and get out of her the light force. Just think about it! Maybe Zelda would burnt from within! Can you imagine that? Vaati is a hero, but everyone loves Link... You should feel sorry for him.

  • He turned Zelda into stone.
    • No, you see, she ordered some soldiers to kill him, and he was left with no choice. All he'd been trying to do was open a chest and release the poor little animals that were cruelly locked inside; which, I might add, he earned the right to do by winning the contest! And after that, I'm sure you'll agree that Zelda deserved what she got. And he didn't kill her, because she was alive at the end. Look in the law books. THERE IS NO LAW AGAINST TURNING PEOPLE TO STONE!!! Um, did you get that?
  • But that's assault.
    • And so is Link imprisoning Vaati in the Four Sword, but Link's not in jail, is he?
  • He committed treason.
    • Not really. Well, okay, he did, but he more than served his sentence trapped inside the Four Sword for half an eternity.
  • Link fought Vaati, ergo Vaati must be evil.
    • Surely not more evil than using the word "ergo". Besides, when Vaati hasn't done anything wrong, what does that make Link?
  • Vaati tried to become a god.
    • I think you'll find there's no law against that either, so put that in your hat and smoke it, Mr. lawyer!
  • He tried to take over the world and cause havoc.
    • He was possessed by Ganondorf at the time. Which means Vaati is actually the victim! They all admit it. Even Link.
  • Anyone who has anything to do with Big Brother MUST be evil
    • Vaati only signed up for the job to compensate for his own inadequate brothers, as all his family are embarrassing. He just wants to clear that up. He isn't enjoying the job. Honestly. If you say otherwise, Vaati's minions will bash you up. If you're lucky. Otherwise you'll just probably get turned to stone.
  • Vaati just blackmailed me in your above response!
    • No, Vaati didn't blackmail you. I did that, because you hurt Vaati's feelings with all your twisted lies and heartless accusations.
  • Vaati wears ladies underwear!
    • Believe that and you'll believe anything.
  • Vaati kidnapped multiple maidens!
    • Yet he's still a virgin.
  • Vaati tried to steel the light force from Zelda!
    • she wanted it out. Would you like to have a light force worm growing in you?

Vaatiism[edit]

Vaatiism (not to be confused with Vaatiist Taoism) is a growing religion. The Church of Vaati is renowned for its innovative doctrines, rich and bizarre mythology, and somewhat disturbing hat-worshipping rituals.

History[edit]

Vaatiism was founded by some guy in Japan in the year 2003. It quickly spread throughout the world, quickly reaching Britain (where it rapidly developed its own rigid structure and was given a place in the House of Lords), America (where it was condemned as the biggest threat to today's society), Australia (where it was immediately dumped in the jungle and made to eat witchety grubs), and even China (where it was instantly banned and all websites relating to it were blocked, censored and buried in a burning black hole in Devon).

Soon the religion was given its own rituals, philosophies, slightly depressing classical hymns, and a seemingly endless list of rules known as the Commandments of Vaati.

The Vaati Commandments[edit]

  1. Thou shalt worship Vaati in all his awesome glory.
  2. Thou shalt make cool images of Vaati throughout the land, and they shall be printed on walls (yea, even the walls of the City Hall), and they shall read "Heil Vaati," so that the word of Vaati shall be spread throughout the universe.
  3. Thou shalt use Vaati's name as an expletive in the hope that it will, in time, become offensive enough to be banned on pre-9.00 television so that the Zelda games will gain more street cred.
  4. Thou shalt respect Vaati because he is holy.
  5. Thou shalt blame thy parents, for they have raised thee.
  6. Thou shalt not kill unless it is absolutely necessary, or there is something in it for Vaati.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery with a tree, a kitten or anyone Vaati has chosen as his spouse, mistress, concubine, or girlfriend(s), or boyfriend(s).
  8. Thou shalt bear false witness, especially if it will help get Vaati out of prison.
  9. Thou shalt be most jealous of Vaati and his magic skills, his multiple love affairs, his fantastic dress sense, his fast car, and his massive mansion, but there shall be nothing thou can do about it.
  10. Thou shalt be careful about thy food, and however tempted thou may be, thou must not eat rats, worms, mice, slime mould or anything else served at McDonalds.
  11. Thou shalt make a habit of stopping and praying to roadkill, unless said roadkill is a former chav.
  12. Thou shalt keep thy elbows on the table at all times.
  13. Thou shalt not turn Vaati into stone.
  14. Thou shalt fill thy car with helium gas and drive around the country, stopping frequently to ask for directions.
  15. Thou shalt accept Vaati's omniscience, so that thou will be too scared to reject his laws.
  16. Thou shalt not insult Vaati about his munchkin parentage.
  17. Thou shalt transform all irritating mages into ugly hats and give them to Link.
  18. Thou shalt allow Vaati first choice of all beautiful/rich maidens.
  19. Thou shalt trust Shadow Link, as he shall desire the beautiful/rich Vio for himself. DO NOT TEMPT HIM WITH YOUR UNCLEAN WOMANAGE!
  20. Thou shalt reject Ganon for he is a loser.
  21. Thou shalt buy Vaati many presents.
  22. Thou shalt reject the Xbox 360 and the PS3, for they have been declared unclean.
  23. Thou shalt NOT reject the Wii, for it has been declared clean. Reject it and Vaati will be angry and shall hang thee by thy genitals.
  24. Thou shalt fast for one day of thy life, during which thou shalt eat nothing but roasted seagull.
  25. Thou shalt do all that is in thy power to obtain the Light Force and give it to Vaati.
  26. Thou shalt not comment on the fact that Vaati may or may not be impersonating Sephiroth.
  27. Thou shalt seek the secrets of turning lead into gold so that Vaati may become richer than you will ever hope to be.
  28. Thou shalt allow Vaati to be a guest character in the next Disgaea because he is a demon and he said so.
  29. Thou shalt reject all video games that do not exhibit Vaati's awesome powers.
  30. Thou shalt HEIL VAATI at all times. And that does mean even when you are sleeping.

See also[edit]

Bouncywikilogo6.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Vaati.
D Vaati is a gay fag with purple hair