Val Kilmer

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“I'm Batman! ...no wait, I'm the Walrus... no, the Egg Man!! Irish coffee, anyone?”

~ Val Kilmer on too much moonshine

[edit] Biography

Val Edward Kilmer (b. December 31, 1959)

A trained stage actor and freelance clam fisherman, Kilmer became well-known in the late 1970's after taking a position as spokesman for the North American Coalition of Clam Fishing Thespians (NACCFT), not to be confused with the North Amercian Coalition of Clam Fishing Lesbians (NACCFL), which I assure you is a quite common mistake.

After his brief yet successful stint with the NACCFT, Kilmer parted ways with the organization after losing a heated legal battle with the NACCFL over clamming territories. Having been forced out of the clam fishing industry, he departed the gulf shores of Montana for Los Angeles with dreams of becoming a professional toothpaste model.

Undaunted by the difficulty of breaking into the world of toothpaste modeling, Kilmer set to work making a name for himself with the likes of Crest, Colgate, and Mentadent, eventually landing himself an audition for a lucrative contract with Aquafresh. That deal never materialized, and after the toothpaste market crash of 1992, Kilmer once again found himself out of work. Pennyless and alone, he lived on the cold, desolate streets of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, panhandling to feed his PCP habit, often times even resorting to prostitution in order to buy the drugs.

Not much is known about Kilmer after 1994, when he was arrested for indecency and public intoxication at a local elementary school. It is rumored that he may have returned to Montana with hopes of resuming his life as a clam fisherman. Other sources report that he was kidnapped by militant fundamentalist watchmakers in early 1995 and has been held in an Swiss POW camp ever since.

Oh, and he was in some movies and stuff, too.

[edit] Movies and Stuff

The theory of Kilmer's kidnapping by militant fundementalist watchmakers began to gain predence when movies began surfacing with scenes of Kilmer's acting. Movies such as: Heat, The Doors, Tombstone, The Salton Sea and Spartan are among the best films of all time. It was very clear to the public and critics alike that Kilmer was acting under duress, most likely under threat of death. Recently, a White House memo was leaked to the press in which President Obama along with other world leaders assigned an intergovernmental task force to find and free Kilmer. The aim of the task force is to bring more kickass Val Kilmer movies to the public. We are also prepared to face the fact that the North Vietmenese have him and are prepared to let him face his untimely doom.