Valerie Reidy

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Valerie J. Reidy is a vicious reptilian creature found in the jungles of the Amazon, distinguished by her beady red eyes and slimey, toxic residue. She is nocturnal by nature, seeking out prey ranging from field mice to komodo dragons to corporate lawyers by night with her heat-seeking vision and razor-sharp claws. Due to the gelatinous nature of her body, Valerie Reidy can expand her mouth to ten times its original size in a phenomenon known as Anime Face Expansion and absorb entire cows, moose, and apartment complexes into her bulbous girth in a single swallow. Her mouth itself is barbed with ten layers of serrated fangs capable of piercing through the steel of a steel freight car filled with ball bearings and aircraft carriers as easily as some fangs pierce through Wonder Bread. Her tail is lined with poison-oozing spikes shaped like Osama Bin Laden, her nostrils shoot lazer beams, her ears shoot fire, and her throat hisses with the music of Hilary Duff. In short, she is a terrifying, invincible hellbeast without mercy or reason, and should be avoided at all costs.

She also has two faces.


If one does encounter Valerie Reidy, however, the only way to escape safely is to attack her with a flameflower, a trident, a pack of drug-addled wolverines and the U.S. Marine Corps at once, so anyone venturing into a region Reidy is known to inhabit should make sure to keep all four things handy.