Valium

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Valium is a great way to make sure you completely forget what happens for the next few hours.

History of the orginal Valium R & D[edit]

Known as "mother's little helper" Valium is a derivative of genetically engineered Valerian roots. The pharmacological compound was created to make you feel better, hopefully easing your worries as rich people dig deep into your pocket to fund their opulant lifestyles. If you would just take your pills, you wouldn't be working that looser job, sweating all day at a chore that would be better done by a Mexican who would do it for half the money, which they could make last twice as long. You could be cracking the whip instead of having it cracked across your back, but you have those petty ideals about righteousness and justice. Valium, or "benzos", are also used by rich people to quiet the guilt of living off the fat of the land, by parents to calm whiney children and even by pet owners who have driven their captive animals into a frenzy. They give them to the animals and pop a few themselves, allowing pets and owners to bond through shared enjoyment of a vice.

What were we talking about? Oh, yeh, pills...

War on Terror[edit]

In 2001, U.S. President George W. Bush launched a philanthropic campaign called the "War on Terror". His mission, (and you should decide to accept it) supported by evidence presented to Congress that there is enough "yellowcake" on the black market to give every man, woman and child an unlimited supply for the next three centuries, was to give every man, woman and child enough valium to last for the next three centuries. In doing so, he hoped to end feelings of terror caused by the increasing speeds of automobiles.

I mean christ, at 75 miles an hour, who wouldn't be terrified. Then you get on a jet and they go like 600 miles an hour. I'm talking sheer white-knuckle terror. Not to mention the terror we suffer when we realizing we took that fuel to run those jets and cars and trucks and trains and busses and boats from somebody, and those somebodies might be pissed. Then there was the whole cold war thing, and everytime you trip you see mushroom clouds, and you try to go straight and Hal Lindsey is all talking about apocolypse and whatever - eternity in hell and rapture. Christ. Life is scary. So Georgy suggested we all go "running for the shelter of mother's little helper" ©.

Valiums reduce terror because they belong to a class of drugs called anxiolitics. They make you less anxious. Except my valiums belong to me. I don't mind sharing, but don't be pinching my stash. All drugs carry a risk of dependence. Shaking hands, slurred speech, droopy eyes, lack of libido (that means you loose interest in sex), slobbering, wrecking your car, loosing interest in your family, and other side effects are usually minor and are nothing to really worry about, so get off my back about it already, will ya. I can quit anytime I want. I just take them when I'm stressed. They help me deal with things better. What are you some kind of nark? Nah, you're cool really, I was just kidding. Really, I take them because I have a biological disease. It's like diabetes. If diabetes is a biological disease, then why are you on my back about my medications? The doctor said I need them. Well, actually, I got these from that girl at work, but still, they help smooth out the Prozak jitters, know what I'm saying...

Anna Nicole Smith[edit]

Aahhh... look at my boobies ... if you can camera me why can't I camera you? Why do they say I'm on drugs? That's not nice.

Colors[edit]

Valium comes in two colores -- blue and yellow. Only the yellow version was mentioned in Bush's speech about yellow cake.



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Mommy's Medicine Cabinet

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