Vampire Hunters

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September 22, 2019 at 06:27Vampire Hunters is the codename for an elite group of soldiers in the Czechoslovokian army also known as "Gay Pandas Unlimited". Vampire Hunters are chosen from the top ranked Snipers, Riflemen, Riflewomen, Riflerobots, Squid Masturbaters, COBOL Programmers and Otaku. To be a Vampire Hunter, you must pass the grueling Test 13B-2, which involves writing the correct country names on a blank political map of Europe.

The main primary objective of the Vampire Hunters is, logically, to hunt Zombies. The Vampire Hunters also do minor work in hunting other magical creatures, such as Hondas, Vampires, Demon Pigs, Mutant Cyborg Kelp that walks the earth, and James Doohan.


The chief weapon of a Vampire hunter is the Rainbow, which despite the totally gay name can kill Lavos in only seven hits. Vampire Hunters use it to chop the heads off of Zombies, and to slash the tires of Hondas and Mutant Cyborg Kelp that walks the earth. Secondary weapons of the Vampire Hunters include mace, suicide bombs, Venus Flytrap Flingers, 5-year old children (used as melee weapons), Greek Fire, the Genesis Device, and Hasbro's My First Firebombing Kit (tm).

Life as a Vampire Hunter[edit]

In their spare time, Vampire Hunters enjoy long walks on the beach, sending raiding parties to Canada to steal their women, knitting and crocheting, taking long, luxurious shits and playing D&D under the head Vampire Hunter dungeon master, who's a total dick.