Vanilla Ice
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“Fuck you, Ron Jeremy!”
~ Vanilla Ice on "The Surreal Life: Fame Games"
“Fuck you, Ron Jeremy!”
~ Vanilla Ice on what Jenna Jameson has probably been forced to do a thousand times
Before you read this shitty article, take the box's advice and just write a new one instead, this is pure shit. But it's not all bad. Vanilla Ice is the 44th president of the Mexican United States a.k.a Mexico, and the most respected figure in the history of rap. Born January 25, 1903 on the back of a tricycle, Vanilla received many Nobel prizes in the early 90's for technological advancement in the field of flowing like a harpoon daily and nightly. His album, Platinum Underground, is the best selling album in the history of heavy metal. He frequently collaborates with The Deftones, Korn and "Weird Al" Yankovic.
A little known fact about Vanilla is that no matter how many items of clothing he took off, he always remained fully dressed. (see The Eighties)
Another interesting fact is that in French, the word 'ice' and 'ice cream' are both the same, so the French are eating Vanilla Ice! Bastards.
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[edit] Early Career
Vanilla Ice was born Herschell Avi Icivich, an Orthodox Jewish Muslim atheist from Kennybuckport Maine. He was educated at the Robert Downey Jnr. memorial yeshiva in Sarasota before embarking on a quest to become a master of some martial art or other. In order to disguise his Jewish Muslim roots he changed his named to the anglicised Vanilla Ice and dyed his hair yellow. This new found flirtation with an Aryan identity brought him to the attention of infamous ninjutsu instructor Lee Van Cleef. It was under Van Cleef's tutelage that the young Vanilla traveled the back roads of the United States solving crimes, unmasking 'ghosts', befriending an enormous brown dog and fighting criminals in what his biographer, F P Stanley, has described as 'rather similar to the A-Team but with Lee Van Cleef and the whole ninja thing.
Vanilla Ice was initially discovered by Van Cleef's lifelong rival, Chuck Norris, who gave him his first roundhouse kick where he claims his penis is and record contract and tours with Ice Cube, Ice T, Snow and Barry White. Dr. Dre originally considered giving Vanilla a major record deal, but Vanilla refused to give him head, so Dre signed Eminem. Vanilla Ice set out a long string of successful records such as To The Extreme, Extremely Live, Extremely Dead, Extremely Undead, Somewhat Live and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which all received rave reviews and were more successful than any other rap album that year, even though Master P releases about three million records in a month alone.
[edit] Legacy
Vanilla Ice has been included on many well-respected magazines and websites Greatest Rappers Ever list, and notably won a 64 person MC-off, shattering KRS-One in the final round. He is notable for working with lesser MC's such as Rakim, Nas, and Big L, though they obviously didn't deserve to be droppin' rhymes on the same songs as Vanilla Ice, the greatest rapper the world has ever seen (sorry lil wayne).
[edit] "Pathological Liar"
Mr. Ice was diagnosed as being a pathological liar back in the early 90's, it unfortunately affected his musical output, as evidenced in his smash hit 'Ice Ice Baby'.
Examples include -
- "Turn off the lights, and I'll glow" (this is because of a tragic accident he swallowed a lightbulb)
- "I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon" (Ice is actually a practicing Rabbi, and thus has no idea what a pound of bacon even is)
- "I go crazy when I hear a cymbal" (it was a mild annoyance, but home boy never went bat shit or anything although he was institutionalized at the Harper Valley Maximum-Security Psychiatric Facility For Dangerous Disturbed Offenders for the better part of six days back in '91 after becoming obsessed with the lyrics "will I ever stop yo, I don't know" and going on a rampage in a public restroom at a bus station in New Jersey)
- "Anything less than the best is a felony" (this will only get you a police caution)
[edit] Middle Career
Vanilla briefly took over Maury Povich's show when Maury was off sick for a number of years. The show was critically acclaimed for Ice's ability to solve problems, while his DJ revolved it. Word to your mother! But he fell into depression because he wasn't allowed control of his music and turned to pizza abuse, almost O.D.'ing on an extra-large Domino's Ultimate Deep Dish.
[edit] The Great Hundaugette Prison Years
In 1983, Mr. Ice was convicted with rocking mic's like a vandal, and sentenced to 48 life sentences. Normally he would be let off with nothing but a slap on the wrists, but he was in Texas at the time.
In his defense, Mr. Ice said "I was on a roll, it was time to go solo, I was just Rollin' in a 5.0 with my rag top down, so my hair could blow." and later went on to add "I grabbed my 9, and all I heard were shells man, serious. Jumped in my car and slammed on the gas, bumper to bumper the avenue was packed. Next thing I know, Police was on the scene, y'know what I mean?" He could also bench 115 pounds when he reached the age of 14.
When vannila ice's carrer was dwindling he enlisted the help of the sith lords and trained a young apprentice named justin timberlake who he taught the way of the hoes(britney spears)and how to sing like you have just gotten your balls cut off(michael jackson).
[edit] "Brand New Invention"
Shortly after leaving prison, Mr. Ice started 'collaborating and listening', and suddenly "Ice" was back with a brand new Invention. This invention was a well learned trait from the beginnings of Vanilla Ice's math Career.
Unfortunately, he never patented the idea, and four years later the sitcom 'The Cosby Show' hit TV screens with an eerily similar tone to mr Ice's invention.
Seemingly on his way out of the high life, he rekindled his friendship with four giant sarcastic radioactive Kung Fu turtles, and continued his training.
He eventually signed with a new label and was allowed total creative freedom, producing the best music of his life. His fiftieth studio album, Hard to Swallow, featured guest appearances by Insane Clown Posse, Twiztid, Fritz the Cat, Kid Rock, MC Hammer, 50 Cent and Yoko Ono.
[edit] Ice & 50 Cent
They rocked the 12th Century. And sometimes they wanted to kill each other. But they did not have guns back then, so they used bows and arrows. He and 50 Cent rocked back in that time. Here are some of their albums. They broke up in the 13th century when 50 Cent accused Ice of killing his pet rock.
- Lick a "Doo Doo"
- Mikel Jackson Broke my Bike
- Why Not Eat This Tire?
- Don't Touch Me There:Fifty and Vanilla's Classic Covers
- If He Said Sorry,It Could Have Been Rape
- Candy Taste's Best Out of A 13 Year Old's Anus
[edit] Presidency
Vanilla Ice ran for presideny of the Mexican United States in 2007, narrowly defeating Yo Yo Ma. Vanilla served half a term before they realized that he was white, not a politician, and impeached him. He immediately returned to the studio, recording his best-received album to date, Hip Hop Is Dead,But I'm Still Alive:Let's Go Get Some Milk, featuring guest appearances by Cannibal Corpse, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, King Diamond, Metallica, Static-X, System of a Down, Miles Davis and death metal rocker Miley Cyrus.
[edit] See Also
 | All-American Role Models and Rejects |
| Aunt Jemima | Bob Saget |Bruce Campbell | Cap'n Crunch | Carrot Top | Cheese Jesus | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Courtney Love | Eric Cartman | Hanson | Hillary Clinton | Joe Camel | John Travolta's Hair | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Napoleon Dynamite | Paris Hilton | Pillsbury Doughboy | Rainbow Brite | Renaldo Lapuz | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Timmy Turner | Titshugger Penishead McFucknutter | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Uncle Phil | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom |
