Vash the Stampede

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Young Stampede hits epic puberty.

Vash the Stampede is the (second) most wanted man in the world. He has a reward of $$60,000,000,000 on his head, which translates into $120,000,000,000. As yet nobody has been able to figure out why the reward was stated in double dollars.

Could anyone who has any information regarding this please call the Rewards and Plot Hooks Hotline at (555) 968-7911?


"This world is made of love and peace" Vash the Stampede was born in a small town called Project Seeds in Minnesota. He grew up quickly, reaching the age of 20 in just three years, after which he stayed that age indefinitely, claiming that he liked the way it felt. He found work as a local pub singer and, occasionally, pimp. His features at this time were very bishonen, which made him very popular with the ladies and led to him being banned from several popular bars because he stopped the other men present from "getting any". Henceforth, he was redelegated by popular demand to the gay bar circuit.

When he was 200, Vash discovered that he had the super power to make disasters occur around him. Unfortunately, he lacked the ability to turn this power off, much like Rogue in X-Men. He moved around, trying to outrun disaster, but it always caught up with him, destroying every town that he went near. This ability soon brought him to the attention of the Bernadelli insurance company, which employed him as a disaster management specialist. His main duty was to localize disaster, keeping it away from inhabited areas. For this job, he was paid $$US10 per hour to spend 23 hours out of every day in a secluded padded cell. The remaining hour he could spend outside in the compound's gardens or exercise yard, as he chose.

He stayed in the insurance company's employ for several years before escaping with two nurses who worked at the compound - Meryl Strife and Minnie Thompson (who want to get in Vash's pants like sssoooooo bbbaaadddd dude!), as well as the compound’s chaplain, Nicholas D. Woofwood (yet another bishonen which is a fag and carries a lower case "t" shape aphrodisiac). Rumor has it that the four were involved in a bizarre four-way relationship and hoped to run to the Netherlands where the progressive marital laws would recognize their mutual love.

Vash's "cousin" and former lover Knives Maximoff (acolyte and admitted he-bitch to Alucard) heard about this plan, and in a fit of jealousy sent the mercenary group the "Gung-ho Guns" out to find Vash and bring him back to Knives's underwater love-nest, where he had been waiting for years for Vash to "return to his embrace" (That is a direct quote from Knives's personal diary). The Gung-ho Guns, led by their ferocious leader Legato Bluesummers, a washed out orchestra conductor and composer, and one of the most attractive bishonen to ever exist (after Hotohori and the guys in Fruits Basket), fought Vash one after another in an effort to capture him. Unfortunately, they fell for the typical villain's mistake of attacking Vash in one-on-one battles, with the inevitable result that they were all conquered. It is most likely that had they all hidden behind a rock and lynched him as his back was turned that they would have succeeded in short order.

Eventually, Legato was the only member of the Gung-ho guns remaining, and he managed to trick Vash into going to Knives's underwater love-nest by claiming that he had cheap tickets to Amsterdam. In reality, these tickets were for a direct flight to the aforementioned love-nest.

Upon reaching Knives's underground love nest, Vash and his friends battled with Knives for a short time, but the fight quickly degenerated into an orgy, with Vash, Woofwood, Knives and Legato simultaneously pleasuring both of the girls. It was very kinky, and the Japanese have made many hentai comics based on the events of that day. It is also, peculiarly, in most textbooks for high school and college students in Canada(lucky bastards).

One day after the massive orgy. Vash went to a tanning salon where he wanted to grow another 3", but he fell alseep... After a 12 hour nap he woke up to find that his body did not grow but burnt to a crisp. He went and bought Micheal Jackson's Magic Skin Bleach, from Dr. Fat Italian Plumber Man. But he only had enough to cover half of his body. After 3 months of deprssion and constant drug use he went to the forest to return to his natual roots. During his journey through the forest he married a palm tree names Dianne who he is still with today (always with). At this point he has lost all his memories and has developed multiple personality disorder. He now goes by the name Zetsu and can be seen "fertalizing" melons in front of the Akatsuki headquaters.

Interesting Facts[edit]

  • Vash and his friends never made it to the Netherlands. As a result, they are currently fornicating in sin, their polyamorous union never being officially recognized.
  • Nicholas D. Woofwood was excommunicated as a priest after he was caught selling drugs to children in his parish.
  • Nicholas D. Woofwood was known as Rabbi Nicholi D. Wolfkowitz until he fled Nazi Germany and converted to Christianity
  • Some people say that Vash and Knives are actually identical twin brothers. This is patently untrue, as Knives's hair is quite obviously pale yellow, while Vash's is a somewhat darker shade. They also cut it differently.
  • Vash is the president of the NRA. Quite ironically, he is also one of the country's leading opponents of abortion and the death sentence.
  • Vash has the second highest bounty in history, falling one double dollar short of the band Starre job.
  • Vash was the first HeShe on Rangerboard.