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“Vauxhall is me. I am Vauxhall.”
~ Michael Schumacher

Vauxhall is car manufacturer that has always had an identity crisis. It isn't even sure which country it is from. At first, it was founded by British and based in Britain, then it claimed to be Russian, then Italian, and now it's British again. Vauxhall's motto is "Be proud of who you are". I say to keep it simple, just think of them as Nazis.

Becuase they were from so many countries, Vauxhall's suppliers are from all over the world. The chassis are made in Russia, the engines are from America, the wheels are from China and everything else comes from the Andromeda galaxy.

Vauxhall Family Cars[edit]

On top of having no nationality, Vaxuhall have also wondered which company owned them. Sometimes Vauxhalls even have the Opel badge on them in Europe, Holden in Australia and Saturn in USA. A result, many Vauxhall models are named after the company which helped Vauxhall put it together, such as the Ford, Bentley and Citroen. Vauxhall have had a reputation for making dull family cars but its models have sold reasonably well. The Vauxhall Ford remains, to this day, the only compact (squashed) MPV to ever sell in reasonable numbers.

The most well know saloon among the ASBOS of Britain is the joy-to-ride* Vauxhall Chavalier, the Carlton version even capable of 150mph, but this required dodging police stingers on the motorway, and often lead to Barbequed Chav, leading to the large number of rats seem in Britain today, the downfall of a once proud nation, and HIV leaking from the dirty gays to my wife.

(* Recent registered taxi ownership laws in most Russian satellite states were introduced last year, this followed the Kremlin's release of research statistics indicating 87% of the populace would rather drink a cup of aids, than journey via Vauxhall Chavalier. The measure was introduced under the "preventative law and regulation act" in March.)

Vauxhall Sports Cars[edit]

Vauxhall's only sports car is the VX200, 200 being the amount of horsepower it has. 200HP is not very much, but the VX200 is superlight, meaning it does 0-60mph in 4 seconds. It is based on the Lotus Elton but was less popular due to badge problems. Vauxhall have recently recognised that problem and have since made it even lighter and cheaper than the Lotus. It is not as fast but it has more power as a result of being turbocharged.

VXR is Vauxhall's name for it's super maxed-out family cars. The Corsa, Astra, Vectra, Meriva and Zafira all got their small engines swapped for huge grunting ones nicked from a German dumpster. With the iconic red paintwork, huge rims and body kits, they're a real chav's motor. Expect to see more and more of them as Vauxhall's noble depreciation takes its toll and minimum wage McDonald's workers can afford them. Vauxhall have also added cars to the range especially for VXR, like the Monaro and its replacement the VXR8 - a family saloon with an American V8 bolted to it. The Vauxhall Vectra VXR has the same power-to-weight ratio as many of todays sportscars and is actually 5th most powerful family saloon. Vauxhall used to be in the sensible market; for family men with no lead in their pencil. Now, they've built the worlds most powerful MPV - the Vauxhall Zafira VXR. Well done.

Advertising and Appeal[edit]

Vauxhall is a murderer of the eyes when it comes to advertising with both the "Little Pricks Trying to be Grown Ups" and "What the Fuck are these Sock Puppets?" campaigns both being of tremendous daily annoyance to those residing in the UK. Despite this second-hand Vauxhalls made out of old Russian oil rigs sell my the millions due to the "Pimp My Old Banger" generation. Vauxhalls falling into this category often have speaker systems at least five times more powerful than the engine which is usually run by hamsters. In cheaper models the hamsters are replaced by plauge-ridden rats with asthma.

See also[edit]


An old man's cathita