Vector Marketing is an international sales firm that markets Cutco Cutlery, a line of kitchen cutlery and accessories. Using the latest developments in deception, Vector has been successfully scamming college students and high school graduates since 1949. Annual sales are somewhere in the multi-millions, where the average customer is a desperate student in need of a job. Vector Marketing belongs to the Direct Selling Association, and follows a strict code of ethics. They promote a high standard of
trickery quality with a smile on their face
...and a dead boy in the back closet.
In 1949, Kevin K. Klein, a child labor enthusiast, created the very first set of Cutco Cutlery in Greenflats, Pennsylvania. The knives were able to cut through tomatoes, steaks, bread, bone, titanium pipes, and diamonds like butter. Hundreds of desperate housewives began to purchase them. By 1950, Vector Marketing was established to help sell more of these products. This allowed the company to expand across the United States. By 1990, the company began itself in a new frontier; Canada. 1992, Cutco and Vector expand to Korea, and eventually, Costa Rica. Just recently, they purchased a newspaper. Canadians don't wear deoderant.
Since 1990 however, there have been 10 lawsuits against them, but they paid their way out of 8. These lawsuits include, but are not limited too;
- Child Labor
- Employment Mistreatment
- Unfair Deception
- Lying under contract
- Tacky Decor
- Not paying employees
- Not wearing deoderant
- Killing Pikachu
On its way toward World Domination
In order to grasp world domination and billions of dollars, Vector and Cutco have followed a strict ethics policy to ensure they can do it legally.
How it is Done
Here is how it is done!
The branches of oak trees look a lot like lightning. The Branches of Vector look a lot like this;
By franchising their company across the plains of America, they can turn the country into a rainbow! This has its both positive and negative effects. By spreading the company like peanut butter and jelly with a Cutco Knife, they are able to reach many young college students and high school graduates. Please note how Wisconsin is a Loner.
The Work Force
The Vector workforce is brilliantly comprised of young college students and high school graduates with no experience and promising them $17.50 an hour and paid vacations and saying what a wonderful asset they are to the company and telling them they must purchase their own set of expensive knives in order to give demonstrations on how to sell knives, and then selling the expensive knives they purchased themselves through door to door solicitation, but no one will actually buy the knives because they are too expensive, and then the student is stuck with all the cutlery he just bought but can't sell to anyone, and is still promised scholarships if he purchases more knives and attempts to sell them.
The customers are the employee's family and friends, promoting these 900 dollar knives to their own housholds, basically making the Vector employee a custormer themself. The vector lads first go off selling to people who would feel sorry enough or obliged to buy these expensive sets of metal, which they obviously don't need. This is done with a 10% commision rate, the lowest which is at the start. So when the employees run out of family members and friends, they try to unsuccefully sell to other random households. But of course this doesn't work because no one in their right mind would buy a nine hundred dollar knife set simply because they're sharp and have uber heat resistant handle technology. So after the vectroids has exhausted their target market, having the lowest commision rate, and giving the highest amount of profit for the company before he or she can upgrade it, they will most likely quit the company and serve their purpose until the next gullible and naive student slave repeats the cycle.
What to do if you apply
Congratulations! If you have been selected as one of the lucky 99.999 percent that have applied to be interviewed, then you should not miss the wonderful opportunity to be a part of the amazing Vector Marketing work force/dedicated customer.
Find the local Branch
The local Vector Branch is usually located in the seedy part of your local city. Look for small entry ways, disrepaired stairwells, and dead cats. If you see these, you should be near by. If you see flowers, trees, sun, you know, life, you're probably in the wrong area.
It is a first come, first serve mass interview. Many other excited students will be applying, so make sure you arrive at least half an hour before "scheduled" interview. Talk to the 22 year old secretary chained to the ratty cardboard desk, and she will give you an application form to fill out. Just sign your name and fill out the information (such as Home address, school attended, work experience, social security number, etc.). When you have filled out all the necessary information, just wait patiently in your small fold up chair and wait to be called.
The Interview Part One
The manager will come out of his hole-in-the-wall, and ask you to come in for an interview. His name is typically David, but there can also be Joes, Jacks, Ians, and Gregs. He will ask you questions such as:
- Have you worked before?
- Are you under the age of 25?
- Do you like knives? (This question is not actually necessary for employment)
- Hypothetically, how much are you willing to work without pay?
- Would you call the police if we violated your workers rights?
- Can you cry on cue if needed?
If you impressed David (or Joe, or Jack, or Ian, or Greg), then you get to go down the dirty hall into a large room with barred windows for Interview Part Two. However, you must wait in that room patiently for an hour before anyone will do anything. Just sit there and wait. Don't worry. The $17.50 an hour is worth it. Don't pay attention to the door that is locked in the far corner of the room.
There is a dead boy in there.
Interview Part Two
Congratulations if you were one of the lucky 99.999 percent that made it through the first interview. The next interview will take about two hours to complete. In the interview the following will be performed;
- An introduction to Cutco Cutlery
- A presentation of Cutco Products
- A threat to you that involves your mother
In the end, if you decide to purchase one of the fine knife sets, then you are automatically inducted in the Vector Marketing work force/dedicated customer.
Where do I apply?
You can apply here!