Venezuela
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| This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica.
Consequently, this article lacks much or any redeeming intellectual value. However, even though no one smarter than a doorknob has added to this article, it still contains more truth than you may be able to handle. |
| Motto: "We've got Gas!" | |
| National Anthem: Glory to the Gallon | |
| Flag | National Seal |
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| Official language | Spainish and Binary |
| Capital | Carcass |
| Government | Banana Republic - Coprocracy |
| President | Hugo "Parguito culo aguao" Chávez |
| National Hero | Er Conde del Guacharo |
| National Animal | Chavezingulus cabronus |
| Currency | Venezuelan Bóves (Bs.) until December 31st 2007 and starting 2008 Basofios (Bs. F.) |
| Religion | Hugo Chavezism |
The South American Bitumen Emirate of Venezuela (related to the North American Bitumen Emirate of Alberta) is a South American banana republic, known as a bastion of the glorious communist way of life amongst Latin Americans as led by their fearless leader, "Lil' Pigface" Hugo Chávez. The Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela is actually a northern South American country, which citizens speculate makes them have the best of both worlds. Science differs on this, and believes they, in fact, have neither. Their specialty is rum, beach, and hot Venezuelan women. Venezuela is also notable for the fact that every male in the country is called Carlos (except Hugo). This provides particular confusion at social events and large political gatherings.
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[edit] Geography
In western Venezuela, the chocolate- and mint-covered Andes mountains loom over the countryside. For centuries, peasants have mined these foodstuffs under the watchful gaze of Willy Wonka, Minister of Snacks, their workers' rights defended by the International Trolling Union, whose stewards are mean-looking and stupid Venezuelan males who want to be true Spaniards.
Venezuela is also home to Angel Falls, the most aggressive self-aware waterfall in the world.
Though Venezuela is in what is called the rain forest, running water in the capital, Carcass, is sporadic because of road wash-outs, utility failures, labor strife, and insurrections. See Politics below.
[edit] Weather
The city of Carcass is a 10-minute helicopter ride away from both the beach and cold, foggy mountain cities. The Amazon in the south is hot and rainy, the Andes in the west are cold and windy, Los Llanos (the Flats) are hot and humid, and the east is hottest of all. There ought to be a spot in between these where the weather is pleasant. We just don't know.
[edit] History
[edit] In the Beginning
Once upon a time, Venezuela only consisted of Indians, Caribes, Arawakos, Oompa Loompas, and Timoto Cuicas. Then Spain came to help Tony Hawk when the Romans bombed the place around 205 b.c. and killed the Indian genre, except for one Indian: Tomas Cruz. So nobody would notice, Spain quietly replaced the Indians with Spanish people who evolved into the supreme overlords of the world.
[edit] Simón Bolívar
In 1810, Simón Bolívar, using only a horse and armed only with two sharp-looking things over his name, made the famous Midnight Ride through Caracas, shouting, "The Spanish are coming! The Spanish are coming!" The people of Caracas did not know what to make of this crusader, as the city was then already under tight Spanish rule. They decided a safe place for this visionary would be, say, on a diplomatic mission to Britain. They overthrew Spain in Bolívar's absence, raising the urgent question of what was left to do by which to establish himself as a military hero.
By the time Bolívar could return home in 1812, Spanish forces were trying to retake Venezuela, and an earthquake wiped out Caracas. Venezuela surrendered and Bolívar, not for the last time, exercised the Better Part of Valor and found a city behind the front from which to write Letters to the Editor and wrestle with new ways to introduce himself to an admiring nation.
In 1813, Colombia armed him and he returned to Venezuela, retaking a small province known as Mierda, which named him "The Liberator." However, the people of Mierda saw that, if Bolívar's camper-trailer had much food, he was not giving it away. They sent him away--directly to the front lines of the war against Spain. Bolívar issued the famous Decree of Death (it goes, "I'll fight to the last Colombian!"), retook Caracas, and drove the Spanish out. A few brief years later, Bolívar was driving a more prestigious vehicle and many of the palace jewels were missing. Public opinion again turned against the National Hero, who again went into exile to do more scheming.
In 1817, Bolívar returned to his homeland with his benefactors from Haiti. However, taking stock of his army, and noticing that the Spanish seemed really enamored of Venezuela, he decided he would lead the charge to liberate--Peru, Ecuador, and Bolivia. At last the Liberator found something he could liberate! However, the resulting government failed both to defend the citizen rather than steal his money and enrich its cronies, and to make Bolívar the President for Life. So Bolívar made himself dictator, and then set another trend that would be followed for centuries by Latin American leaders when things got hot: He made plans for an uneventful (or at least light on assassination attempts) retirement in Europe. Posthumously, he got one of his wishes: There are statues of him on horseback all over the place.
[edit] Back and Forth
Germany won Venezuela from Spain in the German-Spanish War of 1815, but then lost it to Russia in a game of cards. The United States of America then planted slaves in it with the hopes of controlling it. However, they got Alaska instead. Meanwhile, Iraq took over Venezuela in the Iraqi-Russian War of 1830. Saddam Hussein was given control of Venezuela until he got shot to death by Americans in 1856. Iraq then fought America in The Great War for Venezuela from 1856-1910. The Venezuelans then got sick and tired of the war so they claimed their independence. The War for Venezuelan Independence lasted from 1910 to 1935. America pulled out in 1930 (no jobs) due to the fact that the soldiers were too upset to fight. Iraq's dwindling finances forced them to surrender in 1935. In 1944, Somalia sent a speedboat with two revolutionaries to take over Venezuela, establishing the Two Somali People's Republic of Venezuela. The Two Somali People's Republic of Venezuela was disbanded early in 1962 and everyone went home to Chile for a bit.
[edit] Trouble Ahead
"Lil' Pigface" Hugo "fuck face" Chávez was made president immediately after The Great Return of the People from Chile. It was rumored that it was a coup d'ville despite the fact that everyone who has said that was killed by Chávez died of an Egyptian curse a few days later. Everything was fine(at least according to Chávez himself) until 1950. In a goodwill visit to America, he got detained. He escaped within 2 hours but couldn't find an airport that would take him home until 1970.
[edit] Mickeyland
Mickey Mouse the Great saw this as his chance to expand his empire. He staged a sucessful coup d'etat two weeks after Hugo Chávez got detained. Mickey then renamed Venezuela Mickeyland, though Caracas remained the capital. However, Venezuelan citizens disappeared from city streets and were steadily replaced by man-sized cartoon characters.
Mickey Mouse overextended himself in 1966 when he tried to take over the Disney company. Running Disneyland, Mickeyland, and the United Spades of Amerika overwhelmed his concentration, so he gave up Mickeyland to focus on a new coup, which was unsuccessful.
[edit] One Nation Under Chávez
Once Chávez had control again, he changed the nation's motto to "One Nation Under Chávez" which remained until 1987. He also changed the name back to Venezuela. Everything was horrible great under Chávez. However, Chávez's brain left him when he tried to listen to one of Ronald Reagan's speeches. Alfred E. Neuman then hypnotised all the Venezuelans using copies of Mad Magazine.
[edit] Madland
Neuman then renamed Venezuela, Madland. Then he staged amazing shows for the Venezuelans(or Madites). They featured stuff that had only been seen within the pages of Mad Magazine before. He also populated Madland with a cast of wacky characters. However, Chávez found his brain in 1998 in the same cyrogenic freezer that would later host Phillip J. Fry for 1000 years.
[edit] Chávez is Back
Chávez then caused The Venezuela-Madland War in 1998. It's been either horrible or fantastic(depending on who you ask) for Venezuela ever since. Some became free people but others weren't fortunate./ One person tried to fight against him but failed miserably and is now known as Freddy Hernandez, whose father is really Yoda, the wise. He says that he will never stop fighting and he will even suck off Chavez for his freedom testicles
[edit] Time Line Of Important People
- 1932- 2008 Hugo Chávez (Oil tycoon, no balls, dictator, gay manwhore)
- 1856-2006- Hugo Chávez
- 1935-1950-Hugo Chávez
(dictator) - 1950-1966-Hugo Chávez the Great(dictator)
- 1966-1970-Hugo Chávez(loved the taste of dick)
- 1970-1987-Hugo Chávez(dickhead)
- 1987-1998-Hugo Chávez
- 1998-2008-Hugo Chávez(dickhead, oil tycoon)
- 1962-2009-Er Guacharos Count (philosopher and thinker)
- 1970-2009-manuel rosales( he was the one who owned chavez and this country he was dictator)
[edit] Politics
[edit] Domestic policy
Chávez has sought to remold Venezuela in the image of the economic powerhouses of the world, Cuba and Iran. To lay the groundwork for this, he has touched the usual bases of South-American despots: Writing his own constitution, changing the legislature to one house (an outhouse) to ensure that all his opponents are in the same room, and enacting new measures to remove "bad" judges.
Chávez has used the army in innovative new ways, such as to teach elementary school. Just one sight of those bayonets is often enough to ensure that all the homework gets done.
In the marketplace, Chávez believes that having him set all the prices and operate all the broadcast media are key methods of helping the poor. When they can't get rice, beans or reliable news, they will know that the price was right.
[edit] Foreign relations
Currently, the dream of Chávez in foreign affairs is to get Venezuela added to George W. Bush's "axis of evil" and possibly to induce a U.S. invasion, or at least an economic boycott. However, these plans for street cred are on hold since the election of Barack Obama, who seems unperturbed by anything he does.
Chávez is best friends with, and a frequent dominoes partner of, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. He strongly opposed the removal from office of "my brother" Saddam Hussein. He pledges alliance to anyone who opposes the US, and has negotiated long term oil/arms/trade agreements with global peacemakers China, Russia, North Korea, and Iran.
Other new Venezuelan allies are:
- The guerrilla army of Colombia, whose leader openly voiced "unconditional support" for the Venezuelan government "when" the US invasion or boycott occurs.
- The elected but discredited president of Honduras, Manuel Zelaya, who tried to hold a referendum on a new constitution to set himself up as a president-for-life, like Chávez. When the Honduran legislature and supreme court wouldn't endorse it, the always-helpful Chávez offered to print up ballots and supervise the vote himself.
But old friend Mexico is on the outs after Chávez called its president, Vicente Fox, Bush's "puppy." When asked for an apology, Chávez was decent enough to go on national TV and correct this, to "puppet." Is that better? No--Mexico removed its embassy and consulate from Venezuela.
Chávez recently acquired a handful of Russian helicopters, some 50 MiGs, over 400,000 AK rifles, and has redesigned the army's woodland camouflage uniforms to olive-drab, which would be perfect if fighting alongside China and North Korea, to "repel the imminent US invasion." Radioactive material has recently "been stolen or lost" on several occasions, coincidentally just as Chávez voiced interest in starting a nuclear weapons plan.
Chávez has reassured Americans he doesn't plan to invade the United States por ahora ("for now," a trademark phrase he uses to build his image of coyness). But he made this pledge before the arms acquisition and the alliances.
Because of Chávez's hatred for America, he also hates Bono of U2, who is Irish.[1]
[edit] Economy
Venezuela's economy relies primarily on oil production. That's why the government plans to tap the massive oil potential of Antonio Banderas' hair. This might be followed by the harvesting of oil from all the male Venezuelan soap opera stars, but it would have to be done in absolute secrecy to keep world oil prices from dropping to record lows.
Venezuela is also the world's top exporter of the F1 key. No keyboard factory in the world uses its own F1 keys; they're all produced in Venezuela. So the next time you press F1 for help, you'll know you're touching the golden labour of the Venezuelan workforce.
Another sad fact about the Venezualan economy is that if you should ever escape all your troubles at home by setting up a succesful turkey farm, Chavez will come along and nationalise it. That is just a fact. Oh, and beauty queens.
[edit] Vehicles
This petroleum paradise is awash in Fords and Hummers. Venezuela is also building its own automobile industry. Vehicles will be of Iranian engineering and offer first Chinese quality. Russian miniature cars will also be sold, for the environmentally conscious (which no one is in a place where gas is 20 cents per gallon). The entire current vehicle production has been sold to recent military graduates, no interest, no money down.
[edit] Maracucho
Another race that dwells within the Venezuelan border in Maracaibo, is the Maracucho race (pronounced: M'a-Ra-KUUUU-ShOw). The Maracuchos are well-known as fun-loving, pretty, patacon-eating freeloaders who love to drink a little and eat a lot. Then eat more and sing lots of gaitas. Traditional gaitas are played on a wind instrument built from dry foreskins. Typical lyrics sing about partying with baby Jesus all night and eating patacones. Independent and strong headed, the Maracuchos see their beloved land as part of a separate nation called Zoolia (pronounced: Zoo-lia). They are also known as Zoolians. Maracuchos, or Zoolians have a strong sense of pride and love "Super High Class Coture Super" fashion, tailored to exact measurements that come from Ethiopia, which nobody else can wear except hairy sea lions, sometimes. They are identified by their tendency to wear T-shirts, baseball caps, sneakers called gomas, pink Hello Kitty underwear, unibrows, and socks.
Maracuchos love to show everyone, including other Maracuchos, that they are the best nationality in the region. The race of Maracuchos worship a piece of wood that floated from an unknown lake, but scientists are working (around the clock and with no singing of gaitas) to find the source of the artifact. Tentatively, they call it "Lake Blue Water Filled with Vast Amounts of Rich Oil That Will Make Us Vastly Rich Indeed," despite the self-contradiction.
The maracucho sport (aside from baseball) is, you guessed it, patacon-eating contests.
[edit] Footnotes
 | Central America and South America |
| Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Salvador | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Mexico | New Mexico | Nicaragua | Panama | Panama Canal Zone | |
| South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Venezuela (en español) |
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