“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father; prepare to die!”
“Revenge gives one something to look forward to when things aren't going well. Properly done revenge takes time. Year in, year out, in good seasons and bad, one can find satisfaction in the moving into place of the pieces, the subtle arrangement of the elements that one day will cause your hated enemy to lurch and cry: Why, this is all due to--aww, FUCK!”
Introduction to Revenge
Hi, I'm Khan. I know a thing or two about revenge, which is why I've been asked to host this program. Sure, my attempt wasn't wholly successful, but I did get my nemesis' kid killed and his beloved first officer killed and his luvvy-duvvy ship blown up and the man to shout my name at beyond maximum volume, so it wasn't a total screw-up.
Some say revenge is petty. To those unfortunate souls I say: just wait. When the planet you're marooned on has its neighbor blow up and jumps its orbit such that you're now living in a lousy blinding wasteland, and your wife dies, and all you've got left to eat are ceti eels...you'll know. You'll understand.
Let's take as an initial example my friend, Hamlet. Now it's true that good old Hammy was a bit weak in the execution department, but he was a smart fucker. He and I had many conversations that lasted well into the night. He made a great grilled cheese sandwich. And I've gotta say he was a powerful armwrestler. But I digress. Hammy knew his beloved pa had been killed by his uncle, but as he was a judicially-minded person refused to take retribution until proper evidence was collected. Playing at madness, whiling away the time during which he arranged the circumstances by which Claudius would reveal his guilt, my pal pretty much wrote the book on stock vengeance: move slowly, never let them see you coming, get the pieces in order, and then, when they're feeling most secure--WHAMMY!!
Now that V fella, he know a thing or two about revenge also. Explosions, innocent carnage, angered political fury...teaching us that a recognizable feature, such as the 1812 Overture, can be a special part of your revenge. Like me. I had a variety of Shakespearian quoatations on hand to fling at my enemy. "Two-dimensional thinking." Fuck you, Spock.
A Few Famous Undertakings of Revenge in History
John Wilkes Booth just couldn't stand quarterback Abe Lincoln stealing his girl in highschool (Lincoln High, of course, renamed from George III High after QB Lincoln's amazing 12-0, homecoming king and best-girl-stealing graduating year), and therefore took him out while watching Happy Days. Contrary to popular belief Booth did not use a pistol: he employed a Terminator-esque shotgun.
Clint Eastwood in just about every film he has ever starred in has exemplified the true spirit of revenge. Unforgiven, for instance, portrays the tale of a man inflicting violence on vegetarian society in angered return for the many facial scars inflicted on Eastwood's character by the lettuce growers of America. Contrary to popular belief Eastwood did not employ a Terminator-esque shotgun: he used a water pistol.
Revenge often leads to cannibalism. And none know this fact more than the soccer team members accurately portrayed in Alive, who after beating their division rivals all season long were the victims of a massive conspiracy in which their fellow teams removed the second compressor stage from their charter plane's Engine No. Three. A short-term high-altitude performance problem immediately lead to a new home on the Andes, which just goes to show you it's safer to be a losing sports team and explains the fear-induced pathetic year-in, year-out performance so many major franchises.
Revenge has, for many decades, also been served as a traditional dish, and was popularized by the Italian mafia. It is known for its satisfying flavor, and its mildly addictive properties. It is usually served chilled, freeze-dried, or otherwise decreased in temperature.
For a short period in the late 1980’s, Revenge was mass-marketed in a lukewarm variety and sold with the slogan “Revenge is sweet!” However, lawsuits involving claims that the product used artificial sweeteners resulted in it’s quick removal from the shelves.
Revenge has even made its way into the cute, kiddy world of comics.
- Don't kill your nemesis too soon. You'll want time to gloat.
- Try to be low-profile about your business. Your enemy will know it's you, and you'll avoid unwanted attention from Higher Authorities.
- Revenge plans not involving dismemberment, death, major public humiliation or desire for removal from the rest of society of your foe need rethinking.
Eggrolls and Revenge: Extended Study
“"They foiled our plot. We must have revenge!" "Revenge!" "Vengeance!" "Revenge!" "Payback is ours!" ... "The mini-eggrolls are done."”
“"Eggrolls!" "Delicious!" "Hot! Revenge!" "Revenge!" "Eggrolls!" "Dipping sauce!" "Eggrolls!" ... "Revenge!"”
- These things go hand in hand.
- Eggrolls are delicious, best served with a side dish of revenge.
- Don't forget the dipping sauce!
- If eating an eggroll while taking revenge, swallow the eggroll first. No chewing, nothing but swallowing. Chewing is for losers.
- When eggrolls are no longer in plentiful supply, enroll the microwave machine to cook some more. The microwave may also be an aid in taking revenge.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold. YOU F**KING A**HOLE IM GONNA GET FOR THAT YOU P***K”