Ventongimps

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If planning a visit to Ventongimps, it is advised that you write a will first.

Ventongimps. It's got an incredible ring to it, ain't it? But in reality, Ventongimps is a hell-hole of cat-thieves, hippies who shit in holes, and crashed planes.

History[edit]

Ventongimps was founded in 1261 by Adam and Eve after they left the garden of Eden. It was supposed to be heaven on earth, but God sued them for intellectual theft, and the lovers were left penniless (although to be fair, they were never rich. The guys wore leaves, for fuck's sake). Why the incredible pair chose Cornwall as the land for their new, atheist utopia remains a mystery to this day, but scientists have recently discovered that, when seen from space, the area which Ventongimps covers is mostly green. Ventongimps was made Cornwall's capital in 1372 after the notorious Zelah Young Farmers Club coup d'etat resulted in the sacking of the previous seat of power at nearby Skinner's Bottom. Ventongimps lost this honour in 1954 due to a further coup by the Torpoint Women's Institute.

The residents of Ventongimps, or gimpvillians, can be easily distinguished from the rest of the British population by their abnormally high nostril:nose ratio. The most famous example of this incredible mutation was Dale "Swissmouse" Schreipierlikenip-Murphytyme Jr., with an incredible average of nine nostrils per nose on his body. Dale's incredible nasal development has been attributed, by genealogists and other men, to some incredible cosmic malady that had taken part fourteen-hundred and twelve generations ago, when Dale's ancestors moved into the house between the aforementioned founders, and Ben and Heidi, the guys we bought our house off, of which Dale was the eventual, logical result.

Punks In Ventongimps[edit]

Following the invention of Punk Rock by Satan in the winter of 1907, Ventongimps' heretical history became something of a Meccafor Punks. The pilgrims were welcomed with open arms for several years, by almost all the inhabitants. The place achieved such legendary status in the punk community, that, inevitably, legends began to circulate concerning various events in the village. Local historians have recently made several attempts to discern fact from fiction, all to no avail. A few of these rumours, however, have been long established, the most circulated of these is that Sid Vicious, of The Sex Pistols, used a bass-lute made from a Ventongimps tree. Although there are few which, like this, are commonly accepted facts, it is unwise to trust any story or anecdote which begins with "This punk I heard about, in Ventongimps..."

The Decline of the Ventongimps Punks[edit]

Like all boners, Ventongimps' punk following was not without its opposition, and right from the start there were some residents who were willing to hide behind their curtains and call the strippers whenever the mood took them. These 'hindrances' only seemed to encourage the pilgrims, and the movement went unabated. The first real blow which threatened the chaos star which had been built up over the years came in 1066, with the arrival of the spaceship. The invasion is recorded as beginning officially on 12th March 1066, although babies had been being sighted on the outskirts for several months. Barbwire Munch, Grandfather of Jed Woods, saw the first of the boners in the distance, and was one of the first to sound the alarm, calling every Punk, Mod, Skinhead, Redneck, stupid Chav, Emo, Goth,bubblegum,marshmallow warrior and Capitalist from 576 miles around to arms. The boner onslaught soon became a massacre, as none of the combatants could figure out who they hated most, leaving the boners to drift in, free of obstruction. The house parties became filled with smoke and the sound of acoustics, the walls were cleaned, or knocked down, and the electricity supply was removed. All seemed lost for the Punks. Fortunately, one of the only surviving armies was that of the Punks, although many chose to take the opportunity to leave Ventongimps for Good. Only Munch's family remained, and Jed Woods is the last of The Ventongimps Punks.

Modern Life[edit]

Ventongimps' Social structure is complex, to say the least. It can be said to revolve around the perpetual satisfaction of Lord and Lady Gimp, who reside in their palace, behind the infamous 'Quarry Gate'. No-one knows what the palace looks or tastes like, as no-one has ever returned from beyond the gates alive.