- The crappiness of this article begins with its lowercase letter. Do not be alarmed. This is a necessary inclusion.
This article best viewed with Emacs, if you have at least 8TiB of RAM and can wait for it to load.
“Goddamn this is the best program ever written.”
“GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN RIGHT! THAT'S BECAUSE I WROTE THAT SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER!”
“I use ed because it's the only editor that badass enough for me to use.”
vi (pronounced /vim/) is the best text editor in the Universe, and is currently on the winning side of the Editor War. Its main users consist of programmers, Spartans and anyone who is considered badass.
History of Vi
~ ~ ~ BEEP BEEP BEEP D D A A B C :i
The source code was originally written 6,666 years ago by Samuel L Jackson with ink made of human blood. Jackson had seen the screens of the Mighty Gods, Ken and Rob and Brian and Dennis and all the rest who resided under the Mighty Bell. He watched over their divine shoulders as they produced the source code of the Universe itself in their mighty editor, Sam, The Editor of the Gods, and he wished to bring the light and power of this wondrous implement to mortal man. Jackson spent days poring over man scrolls, toiling to copy the editor's greatness, but he tried in vain. Despite the power and elegance of Jackson's editor, he could not copy the perfection of Sam. Unsure of the Gods' feelings, his own skills, and mankind's worthiness, Jackson hid the source code in a cave near the Hills of Murray, hoping that the time would come when man was ready to see this shadow of the Gods' hallowed editor. Centuries later, the code was found by Bill Joy, who compiled the editor for Unix in the Middle Ages. Joy's discovery led to a Golden Age of programming, and gave rise to a new breed of hacker. Spurned by the increase in productivity and godlike powers granted to these Master Hackers by the great editor, Unix and vi came to rule all the land, bringing peace and prosperity to all, as well as sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health.
For centuries, vi was the the editor of choice for Real Programmers, but the False Prophet Stallman rebelled against God by releasing Emacs. The fanatical cult that grew around Emacs dared rebel against Jackson's teachings, and tensions began to rise. Soon after the False Editor was disseminated across the Interweb, those faithful to vi assembled an army to vanquish the growing threat of the Emacs heretics.
Though the records of the time are sparse, historians generally agree that the first bloodshed between the Emacsites and Users of Vi happened at Greenmond, Washington sometime in the 15th century. The fight was apparently incited when an Emacsite insulted the Linux kernel one of the vi users favored. Little is known of what transpired after, but the battle was so gruesome that Greenmond was permanently stained with blood, and was from then on known as Redmond. The vi users easily slaughtered the feeble Emacsites down to the last man, though some say that there were survivors who hid in the swamps of Redmond, lost their sanity and reverted to cannibalism, eventually going on to create Microsoft. The Slaughter of Greenmond marked the start of the Editor War.
Soon after the Slaughter of Greenmod, the Real Programmers and the Emacsites entered into a war that has raged for many years without resolution. Indeed the Editor War has been so all-encompassing and long-lasting that its battles are mistaken by lusers (non-programmers) to be entire wars. Time travel is a factor in the Editor War, making major battles appear out of order.
Bram Moolenaar, a skilled programmer loyal to vi, conceived a new text editor, named Vim, which improved upon the holy vi to help earn a decisive win against the Emacsites. Vim's release heralded the New Age of editors, and the use of Emacs was relegated to beginners, incompetents, and anal retentives, while all serious development continued on in Vim.
The Emacsites' fanatical cult remains to this day despite the introduction of Vim, plotting in vain to overthrow and enslave the Users of Vim and their Champion Moolenaar. Though the Heretics' numbers are small, the Editor War continues, though it is not as gruesome as it once was due to the heathen Emacsites tacitly beginning to accept defeat at the hands of the Users of Vim. The Emacsites continue to spread false propaganda, for example, editing the Emacs article on Uncyclopedia to show vi in a negative light.
Battles in the Editor War (in chronological order)
Notable vi Users
- Chuck Norris claims to have invented Vi, but he was revealed to be an Emacs heretic and sentenced to death by Bruce Campbell.
- Richard Stallman only uses it in private, when he thinks no one is watching.
Things Written with vi
- The Necronomicon
- The Bible
- The Universe
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
- Kamasutra ASCII illustrated edition
- DNA sequence for human kind
- The script for the movie "Dancing with the wolves"