Video game

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“In Soviet Russia, video game plays YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on Video Game

A technology created and propagated by the crime lord Bill Gates himself, video games have for decades allowed millions of people to lead completely vicarious existences, and kill things through the Magic of Television. Video games were made illegal soon after their creation in the late twentieth century, but a black market was rapidly created, and the industry thrived. It spread rapidly through the youth of the world, and was soon declared by the World Health Organization to be the most dangerous psychotropic substance in the world.

There is a great amount of documentation concerning the psychotropic nature of video games, especially on how it warps children to the twisted ways of Bill Gates and forces them to buy the products of the Microsoft crime organization. In addition, symptoms including parental disobedience, incoherent speech, dilated pupils, obesity, and overwhelmingly violent tendencies spring up in heavy users.

Various Japanese companies also got in on the market, including Sony and Nintendo. These companies flooded the market with their products, made cheaper and faster by slave labor (well, in Sony's case, maybe just faster).

After reviewing the mistake of their quick judgment of video games, a dimwitted society cowered back to game companies, realizing the error of their ways and requesting they develop a new technology to remove the rods from their delusional, self-important asses.

The Turbographx sold the most units ever of any system, totaling 300 millions units. Most of these were sold to slave labor in Antarctica. This was backed by Hitler, of course.

Many video games revolve around a quest to gain and keep HP, which stands for Hawaiian Punch. This is particularly true of first-person shooters, as evidenced by the splashes of red Hawaiian Punch that escape when the player shoots at someone.

Contents 1 Theological perspective 2 Early Video Games 3 Addiction Problems 4 Life Lessons Learned from Video Games 5 Oscar Wilde: The Video Game. The Bloodening 6 Science of Video Games 7 WWII Pilot Training 8 Video games in relation to U.S. Military affairs

[edit] Theological perspective

Often video games are cited as definitive proof for the existence of God. "Who but God could have made something so grand and perfect?". It is argued that all of human history has been leading up to the release of Duke Nukem Forever. (Seems like it) Furthermore, theologians argue that God cannot yet release the "final video game" because it would blow your mind. Instead, God had to start out with simpler, spin-the-analog-stick games and then progress to the point we are at today. Religious types unanimously agree that cooler games will come.They may, sooner than we anticipate, become so realistic, God can actually smite you.

[edit] Early Video Games

The first video game was when a French nobleman named Fancyfood Godard shouted up, right, right, up, left, select to a room full of painters who had to paint at 30 frames per second. The first big video game slamsation was Crimean War: Historical Irrelevance which came out in 1703 for the ENIAC computer, which is now known as Luxembourg.

The second video game was made up by SAGA, a breast sagging company. It was actually a porn game, which came out quite popular in the 1720's. The plot was to get laid as fast as possible. Many people died when playing this game due to seizures from the flashing repetitive motions, exploding penises.

However, some insist that the first video game ever created was Doom .0068, which was a simulation of what would happen to Christians if God became angry. It was created by UAC under the guidance of the church in 1681.

[edit] Addiction Problems

Video games can range from your common web page scripted flash game, to your high resolution, M17+ blood and gore CDrom, awesome-o games. In particular, these awesome-o games – but also other types – can cause serious addiction problems, although many people who suffer from this addiction do not even realise that they are under the influence… of computers (pay no attention to the detail of what device you are using to view this page). This means that the heads of game companies are secretly, yet rather loudly yelling “WE HAVE YOU NOW SUCKERS!”

The cause of the addiction is quite simple at root: it’s easier than real life. In real life you have to work to get money to feed yourself, in video games you have to either kill enemies, farm for gold (a term which means spending hours and hours killing enemies), or buy gold with real money (which is paying other people to kill enemies for hours and hours). In real life, you have to talk to people, and if they like you, over time you might become friends, in video games, you can pretend to be anyone you want, and get any friend you want. And finally, in real life your options of travel are walk, boat, drive, bike, and plane. And in video games, your options are walk, boat, drive, ride giant versions of animals, zeppelin, teleportation, and of course blue hedgehogs that run really really fast.

So, we know that the cause of the addition is the lack of cheats in real life, but the hard one is figuring out how to stop people from playing. And the answer is: don’t. Why break them away from the thing they love so much when you can let them continue playing it, without them actually playing it. Change real life into their game... except we might want to leave out the part where you absolutely can’t get over a cardboard box, no matter how hard you mash the jump key. This is no simple task. Changing our everyday life into as much fun as dying over, and over, and over again, and killing people over, and over, and over again is a chore, and is to be dealt with great caution and delicacy. If the gamer is to find out that we’ve substituted their drug for a placebo, they might go freak out and try killing people to gain so called experience points. We need to make sure there are ‘quests’ and ‘rewards’, except instead of please won’t you get rid of those giant rats, I’ll give you one of these steel shield I just happen to have 50 thousand of lying around, it should be you need to go cook dinner for yourself and I’ll give you this *cough* fake *cough* gold. Things that we consider daily tasks then become a quest they will gain something from.

See also: Crimes inspired by video games

[edit] Life Lessons Learned from Video Games

• You can press start and select to escape any unwanted situation.
• You Can Never Catch The Dragon
• You can survive a huge rocket to the face as long as you are wearing enough armored breastplates.
• The cops are never around.
• Zombies can run, but you can't. You walk, bitch!!
• If you get killed, you can come back if you typed down the right password.
• You can enter people's houses and trash it completely without them caring.
• Food found inside barrels and crates is always healthy for you.
• If someone is not wearing the same clothes as you, shoot them.
• You will never get tired.
• If you play life at easy, the ending wont be as fun.
• There is one black warrior for each 40 whites
• Buy an expensive watch and whilst being attacked, fiddle around with it until you stop time. See: Fallout 3
• The only reason you have hands is to hold weapons/firearms
• Coffee cups can kill you.
• Your car starts flashing red so you can get out before it explodes.
• Your tank always takes over twice the hits as the rest.
• Zero is actually a man (still under debate)
• Zangief used to be gay (also under debate)
• You can make money from breaking vases.
• Your sword never breaks unless you are hunting for Diablos
• Bullet proof dogs make fun of you if you don't kill any ducks
• Boners.
• Boxers are always 3 times larger than you.
• You get to play real life historical battles with giant enemy crabs
• Shotguns are found everywhere.
• You can eat huge cakes and Turkeys in the ground on one single gulp.
• Winners don't use drugs. (If you lose go for it.)
• Teabagging is considered tradition.
• You can poke people until they start blurting out funny comments or star trek quotes.
• Ninjas run around in the open cutting people at random, they can deflect bullets too.
• Whenever you get attacked by bad guys, the world starts going into slow motion.
• Once you clear life, it all starts again in a harder difficulty level.
• Killing strippers may summon large quantities of vengeful aliens.
• Watch out for leaves unless you are a furry fan or a fat plumber.
• All women have tits the size of basketballs.
• When you beat your enemies they start flashing and totally dissipate.
• Toilets are usually inaccessible.
• You kick ass and chew bubblegum, but for some reason you are always out of gum.
• Mars = Hell.
• If an elevator works, its probably going to fail the second you enter it.
• Innocents always take less damage before dying.
• Nothing stands against Psycho Power.
• Your best friend is always the bad guy.
• Most sexy babes are badass assassins too.
• You need a power up to swim.
• No one will attack you while you strike a cool pose.
• Humming into a microphone makes you famous.
• When you are hurt, your attacks do twice the damage.
• Steroids should be used whenever found, as they increase your speed for 20 seconds.
• Native Americans will usually kill you on sight.
• Black guys are always gangstas.
• All sneaking takes place in military bases or large boats.
• You must only speak in three letter insults usually pertaining to sexuality.
• Horses can be stored in your pocket.
• Killing your allies may sometimes cause you direct physical harm, but will always be hilarious.
• Bad guys often have their own music theme.
• Your destroyed car will automatically restore itself if you press enter twice.
• YOU CANT KILL THE ARBITOR
• Your mother encourages you to trap small animals in a ball and make them fight til one passes out.
• Your ship will usually be destroyed by one touch.
• Sonic booms are slow-moving spinning projectiles that do slight harm.
• Fighters were not able to sidestep in the 80s.
• Touching toxic waste will usually give you super powers.
• When you are still trying to discover gun-powder, your enemies will usually attack your city with tanks.
• Blonde hair can be used as a helicopter.
• If you hit a chicken with your sword, a swarm of chickens will attack you constantly until you enter a building.
• Blue hedgehogs can run really, really fast.
• If you reload your gun really fast, your shots do triple damage.
• All your base, flag, tanks, wives, children, snipers, chicken, and other assorted goods are belong to us.
• If you're hit with a blue glowing grenade, quickly give someone a hug; it shall be your last.
• No matter what the real problem is, you'll always start out killing big rats.
• Only the red barrels explode when shot.
• Cardboard boxes are indestructible.
• If a turtle hides in its shell, that shell can be used as a projectile, causing no harm to the turtle inside.
• Eating enough food will heal any injury.
• You can carry any number of weapons without having to conceal them or being bogged down by weight.
• Italian plumbers can jump many times their height, and grow double their size when they eat mushrooms.
• In Russian forests, eating glowing mushrooms will recharge your batteries.
• Drifting will cause your car to do a turbo boost.
• If you crash while driving, you will be teleported back to the road unharmed.
• If you jump off a cliff, you will always land on your feet.
• The princess is always in another castle.
• After a certain score, you gain another life.
• Rings defy gravity and are immune to the Start button.
• You only need to practice a new skill once, and then you know it for life.
• Having sex will give you health and/or experience.
• Everyone but you knows who you are.
• Shooting a rocket at a wall will only cause a black burn mark that will disappear in a minute.
• Even if you wield the most destructive force known to man, you cannot harm trees.
• Helicopters are always low on fuel.
• Entering a building will cause your pursuers to forget why they were chasing you.
• No matter how long you kill zombies, you will never need to urinate.
• Animals can speak.
• Flowers will try to eat you.
• Plumbers can gain fireballs from other flowers (not the ones that try to eat you).
• You can only ever hold up to 100 items.
• If someone offers you something take it without hesi... hesita... hesitation.
• Avoid having a normal, loving family, as they will be killed in the first ten minutes.
• You must be of high enough level to wear different armor.
• There's a bar somewhere in front of you that tells you when you're going to die.
• You don't ever need batteries...
• All turtles can kick your ass at any given moment.
• Unless you do, in which case they will give you about 30 seconds of charge.
• Everything that can be killed has money or gold.
• You shouldn't be scared shitless when a coin is absorbed into your hand.
• No matter how many times you save the princess she will get kidnapped again.
• You run at least twice as fast as anyone else.
• The cake is a lie.
• You cannot use a key more than once.
• Gold weighs nothing
• Shotgun > Zombie
• There are bottomless pits everywhere.
• It's easy to steal from a living person, but impossible to steal from a dead one.
• Ancient legends are always true.
• Empty bottles are some of the most valuble objects in the world.
• If you screw something up, leaving the room and re-entering should fix it.
• Money left on the ground will evaporate
• A banana peel can stop a go-cart.
• If you're about to be shot in the face, don't worry - you won't die, that'll take a few more.
• If you see someone wearing a different color than you, you should definitely shoot and kill them.
• You are only allotted a couple grenades if you're fighting a battle, but don't worry, if you duck into that little crevice over there there's a 99% chance there'll be another one just lying on the ground.
• In most cases you cannot swim, so don't even try, because you're going to immediately sink and die. But it's really no big deal after all since you'll just find yourself exactly where you were a couple minutes ago, completely unharmed.
• Your penis < Zoey
• You always need to steal other team's flag with no reason (even the flag has no value and disappear when u bring it back to base)
• Native islanders who have never seen a white person are somehow able to acquire a .500 Magnum Revolver.
• Enemies are never fast and strong at the same time.
• Even if you can't see your legs, they're still there.
• If something looks easy, you'll have a time limit.
• When using a sniper rifle, the crosshair ALWAYS moves in a figure 8 pattern unless you stop breathing.
• Random tanks will appear out of thin air with unlimited ammo for no reason during battles.
• You ALWAYS need 3 vikings in order to finish the level, if you only have 2 you're screwed.
• If you go on a downhill challenge of any kind there will always be a guy at the bottom who can teleport you to the top again in 3 seconds.
• Purple dragons don't just breath fire, they can breathe bubbles, ice and even electrity aswell.
• All maner off devices can be controlled by the plastic thing with the buttons that you are holding.
• If you wander through grass then be prepared for some crazy demonic animal with superpowers to attack you for no reason.
• Any kind of desease whatsoever can ALWAYS be healed with the same potion.
• Never step into an aeroplane, it WILL crash.
• There is ALWAYS a secret shortcut around the next corner
• Everything is the government's fault, and they always hate you
• If you can destroy walls, the buildings foundation will always remain unharmed
• There is always at least one black person in every situation
• If your in space, you don't need a helmet to breath
• You can never look strait up
• When you are charged with red eco, your attacks become much stronger
• When you're running from the bad guys, hide in a box so it causes confusion
• You need to kill all the enemies in the area to move onto another area
• No matter what you are armed with, a melee to the back will always kill in one swing
• You will sometime in your life see an Indian kill off dinosoids with a minigun
• Don't touch the green boxes!
• Constantly jumping on your enemies will eventually give you lives
• O.K, mabe to red boxes, just don't be near it after 6 seconds!
• You can glitch fly anywhere you want to
• You will never stay invisible as long as the other ncp's
• Make sure the corpse is dead before walking over it
• Always run from the Cyberdemon!
• Zeus is no match for you
• <,>,>,^,A = will spawn a car in your driveway
• Carmine is God.
• If you can't physically move, you can always teleport to someone who will buy all your extra stuff from you.
• Sitting on a bench makes you invisible.
• If you dont know what to do imedietly grab the nearst book and it will tell you.
• If you eat one million tons of lettice in a day you will become skinny. See: Fable 2
• It doesn't matter how many times you shoot little kids they will never die. See: Fallout 3 and Fable 2

[edit] Oscar Wilde: The Video Game. The Bloodening

The wildly successful Lebanese culture orientated video game released circa MMCDDLXXVII has long been considered contrary to unpopular belief, as proof that not only can video games be a wildly artistic and beautiful medium to comunicate the futility of springtime, but that soft-core nudity, when used in conjunction with subtly fine tuned graphics processing engines and lashings of RAM can unleash the wrath of Pope Lucy Xi on the souls of childish insurance agents from the east side of most ethnic communities. The game opens in eighteen dickety four, and you, playing as the (in)famous Lord Wilde, Sergent of the first Strike Force of The United Republic of The Knights of Cydonia, must hunt down and incognitofy Serj Tankian. However the whiny bitchy one from Lost lurks around every corner, waiting to tell all your friends that you're not actually hung like a hoover. Gamespy gave it 3% just because it came in a box.

[edit] Science of Video Games

For many years, the mechanics behind video games were a mystery to the general public. Thanks to the intrepid, visionary, and often controversial actions of such visionaries as Jack Thompson and Hilary Clinton, video games can be boiled down to a rather simple math equation:

A: Responsibility-free parents

B: Impressionable children

: Video games

Thanks to this equation, there is an explanation for every instance of murder. Ever.

With this new evidence brought to light, the United States legislature will most likely be passing laws outlawing video games soon, but don't worry...it's still OK to kill REAL people (as long as it is in another country) even in your own country! Take that, Satan! VIDEOGAMECOMPANIES + FATKIDSWITHNOLIVES = RICHVIDEOGAMECOMPANIES

[edit] WWII Pilot Training

A little known fact is that EA was created in 1982 by Adolf Hitler (who escaped from Germany June 26, 1963 on the landing gear of John F. Kennedy's plane) in an attempt to create a time machine so he could finish taking over the world. However, before he could send his weapon plan's through, Canada began their first nuclear test in the general vicinity of Hitler. The only thing that managed to get through was a copy of Battlefield 1942, which managed to keep up the disguise that EA was a game company.

Upon receiving the copy of the game, the younger Hitler of 1942 promptly dismissed it as hocus pocus and demanded it to be researched to try to extract the demons from it. The Japanese were then able to convince Hitler to let them have it as good faith for there alliance. At this point the Japanese began to use the B1942 as a flight training program for all their new pilots. The results were not to the liking of the Japanese as many of the pilots either failed to pull out of dives or rammed head long into ships believing they would, in fact, respawn. The Japanese immediately turned this into propaganda claiming that these pilots died for their country and declared that all pilots should do so. As for the disc that started this, it was secretly sent with the aliens that had helped Japan with the attack on Pearl Harbor.

[edit] Video games in relation to U.S. Military affairs

After being given a PlayStation 3 as a leaving office present from his mother Barbara, George W. Bush gradually began to believe video games were 100% true to life. As a result, all members of the U.S. Armed Forces were stripped of all of their weapons and provided with one or more of the following:

• A super shitty pistol with room for six bullets (ammo is picked up along the road, probably lying around at random).
• A crowbar (nerdy glasses included).
• Just their fists. And maybe a flowy tribal tattoo or something.
• A cardboard box.
• A box with some exotic mushrooms.
• A blue hedgehog for quick transport through elaborate tracks in exotic locations alongside additional hedgehogs of various colors.
• A pipe for long distance traveling, which is also useful when you stuble upon the Ganja.
• Crazy magic rings that allow critical hits and fire resistance.
• Gas for Metal Gears.
• Red plumber uniforms. Also, a plate of some crazy ravioli or something that you eat that makes it impossible to FUCKING turn around and FUCKING walk backwards.
• A bandana that reminds you: Winners don't use drugs!
• A different bandana that gives you unlimited ammo.

The thought process behind this was simple: By the time they saved the princess/killed all the aliens/whatever crazy shit they were doing they would have over 9,223,234,533,123,763,189 guns, be at level 100 and have infinite MP thus eliminating all budget problems to do with equipment. FOREVER.