Vietnam

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“I love the smell of burning monk”

~ Tamia
Great Imperial Indochinese State of the Superior Vietnamese
Nam
Vietname
Flag Of Vietnam Coat of arms of Vietnam
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: '"Độc lập với tự do, cặc to là hạnh phúc ! ("Independence and Liberty, happiness is big cockies!!") (Used since the Vietnam War) or Suckie Suckie 5 dorrar, love you for long time!!!

In Huy Huynh from Lake Braddock, we trust (1975 to 2007) WHAT THE PHO?!? (2008-present)"

You Die Now! (Since Vietnam existed)'
Anthem: "Eviler Riced Up Star Wars Theme (Special Viet. Remix)"
Allvietnam.PNGEverything In Green Is Vietnam, The Box Shows True Vietnam, before they took over all of asia.
Capital H'Annoy
Largest city Sai-gone (formerly Ho Semen City, formerly Ho's Semen City, City of ****)
Official language(s) Khmer, 3rd generation broken english, and Vietnamese (alleged)
Government Communist Monarchy
King Everyone in Vietnam is a king (or Kinh)
‑ Generally Secretive Non Dutchman (sometimes spelled Duckman)
‑ Prime Mister Win Ton Dung
Calling Codes 911, 411, 119, 666, 777, 1337, *69, 110
National Hero(es) Ho's Semen, Bruce Lee, Viet Cong, Jackie Chan, Asian Jesus, Master Asia, Nguyen, Who, What, Cheese, Noodles, Some of the Nguyen's, Most of the Phams, No Trans, Like Hell There Are Phan Heros, Jet Li, Yo Yo Ma, Not Yo Ma.
Established After we gambled with the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys who swung from our jungle branches waving their cute white flags, we ate their dogs and killed them, and then declared independence. This mean we don't know what to do next. After we killed each other looking north or south. After Americans ran like pussies, and after "His Mighty, Awesomest, Oh so handsome, Emperor" kicked the commies ass using super-mega-ultra eye beams n unified all of Asia to make one giant Vietnam.
Currency Wang|Ding-Dong|Ding-a-ling|Ho-Ho's|Big Cu|Ping Pong (₫) VND
Ethnic groups True Vietnamese: 85.30%
Chinese-Vietnamese: 70% (Now extinct, all executed)
Dumb Americans: .5.70%
Niggers: 3%
God: 777%
Satan: '666%
Other:
6%+
Major exports Disease, Pokemon Cards, Teila Tiquila, Fortune Cookies, Kick-a-whitey's-ass in a can, American-away repellent, Duh, Oil, ( . )( . ) , Chuckie Akens Seafood, Shitload of Rice, Hot Asian Porn, Mail-order Brides.

Vietnam, officially know as the Union of Oriental Socialist Republics People's Democratic Republic of Vietnam (and to a certain segment of Americans as "Viet-fuckin'-NAM, man!"), is the easternmost country on the Indochina Peninsula in Southeast Asia. It is bordered by China to the north, Laos and Cambodia to the East, and Myanmar if you wander around in the jungle long enough. The country's east coast lies on the South Sea, mostly. With a population of over 87 million, Vietnam is the 13th most populous country in the world, making up the populate semen of the bent-dick-shaped country. It is listed among the "Next Dozen" economies, having a domestic product grossness of of 8.17%, along with using its dick shaped country to screw the rest of the world as well as screw themselves. But the people from there love soccer and some even have an unhealthy obsession.Though Vietnam is poor, it is getting wealthier, and is estimated, by 2058, 20% of the population will get to eat TWO meals a week!!!

People and Culture[edit]

A Vietnam War Starbucks Ad. in Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon)

The people of Vietnam, more correctly referred to as Veenomese, Vietmanese, Vietnamanese, Vietnamans, Victor Charlie, Charlie, Gooks (the politically incorrect term. Prepare to get your ass kicked. Insurance not included.), Vietnamesians, Viennese, Commie bastards or Vipnumese, all have the last name of Tran, Le, Nguyen (pronounced "WIN" according to the authority on Vietnamese pronunciations, www.asiafinest.com by order of Vietnamese Emperor Vincent Nguyen in baleen) or Juan. They generally like to shoot non-communists and/or anyone else who is unlucky enough to piss the fuckers off.

Vietnamese are known to follow laws, especially taxes and traffic laws. However due to misconceptions and political differences with the outside world, many foreign visitors might interpret the common Vietnamese as careless-lawbreakers. For example,traffic laws in Vietnam include: red-light which mean go,yellow-light, also mean go, and green-light, which have the same meaning as red and yellow.

Another example which demonstrates political differences is sides-of-the-street driving. Unlike someplace in Europe where vehicles drive on the left and U.S.A. where vehicles drive on the right, in Vietnam, vehicles are allows to drive whichever ways ones liked; these also include sides walks, alleyways, inside the house, on buildings, in lakes as well as rivers and onto each others.

Another law relatively unknown to outsiders is that bigger vehicles have the right to run over smaller vehicles (note: pedestrians are viewed as a type of "vehicle" in Vietnam and stationary human beings are viewed as "park vehicle.") However, due to the considerate nature of Vietnamese, these laws result in only, and exactly, 2 deaths per decade in the 85 millions densely-populated Vietnam.

Their main diet dish is PHO which can be found everywhere, i.e. KFC. They also enjoy eating foreigners.

The average height for Vietnamesian men is 5'1" and Vietnamesian women is 4'10". They stand to be the shortest among the worlds countries, even including Japan, Korea, and China. There have been mutations that cause a portion of the Vietnamesians to grow to a towering 5'2".

Common pastimes for Vietnamesians include: squatting, smoking, staring idly into space, wearing pyjamas at all times, wearing motrcycle crash helmets at inappropriate times (Eg. weddings, funerals, and whilst riding elevators), playing pool, torturing Americans, plowing, digging tunnels, grow rice, eat rice, drinking fish sauce, and watching 'Paris by Night.'

Like all Asians, Vietnamesians enjoy martial arts, long division, and study groups. Upon first meeting someone from Vietnam, it is customary to comment on this, as this conveys your great knowledge and respect for their culture. Vietnamesians exclusively wear brand name (e.g. Calvin Klein, Armani, Tommy Hilfiger, Lucky, Versace, DKNY) clothing, preferably all black, and most likely is a made-in-china rendition of the real thing. With the exception of "AZN"s who are prone to wearing pressed, white T-shirts and drive "tricked-out" Hondas and Acuras. Festivals are held annually to make fun of Cambodians. Neil Patrick Harris leads these events and takes care to slay at least three babies before he departs.

Pho Shizzle Bitch

North Vietnamese guys have the 'bowl' haircut, which is accomplished by putting a bowl on top of their head, and trim any hair uncovered by the bowl. Their hair most often styled by greasing it with pig oil and then plastered to their skull.

Vietnamese girls most likely wear thick-platform shoes, super flare jeans, and cropped top showing their stomach. Their hair will be dyed brownish red and dead-straightened (and also plastered to the skull). Some sluttier ones have belly buttons, make ups of L'il Kim, and big bling-bling. They will choose boyfriends who are gangster tryhards in Made-in-China-Hip-Hop clothings and coolio cars.

Most Vietnamese overseas (America, Europe, Australia, or wherever there are French-lookalike words appear) hang out with their own Vietnamese friends since other inferior Asians refuse to associate themselves with those smartasses. They mostly are nail salon workers, hang out in gaming places, Asian groceries, Karaoke places, and saigon in general. Some Vietnamese overseas men living in Vietnam suffer from excessive levels of self esteem because they tower over the indigenous population (5ft4") and have high incomes derived from minimum wage jobs in the USA. These Vietnamese are easily identified by their conspicuously new trainers, and "cool" motorbikes. Vietnamese are the most gangsta Asians in America. With the Japanese and Chinese being mafia Asians in gay suits.

Vietnamese Chinese feel that they're superior comparing to native Vietnamese. However, they are all the same. Except that Vietnamese Chinese will say to people that they are "CHINESE" not "VIETNAMESE". These are called sell-outs and will be all executed in 2027. GOD-father Mao probably doesn't want Vietnamese genes contaminating his precious genetic engineering project to take over America by infecting their gene pool with Chinese chromosomes 3, 19, and Y (only the men shall be sent on invasions, no female Chinese shall give herself to a fascist American Nazis).

Vietnamese know they're inferior to other Asian ethnics but they don't fucking give a shit as long as they can drive their broken down cars.

Having said that the Vietnamese are wonderful people renowned for their warm hospitality, poor dental hygiene and secondhand BMW's. If you ever have the privilege of meeting Vietnamese in your own country, be sure to wear a Ho Chi Minh t-shirt.


All of land in green is Vietnam's, All of the land in red is the land Vietnam didn't want.

Geography[edit]

True Vietnam is towards the southeast direction of France REALLY southeast. It has some giant mountain near it's boarder to keep the smelly Chinese out, and has a bunch of rocks everywhere and big Jungles and forest used to piss off Americans during the Vietnam War. It is divided into three primary regions: the North, the Middle, and the South. The South, being more educated and have superior (by superior, you DO know that we mean posh and by posh we mean snobby) enunciation compared to the North abolished slavery; which gave an opportunity for Harriet Tubman to smuggle Elian Gonzalez in from Cuba to bring in crappy cigars and sugarcane. No one really understands what the people from the middle are saying because most of their speech is unintelligible - Vietnam's version of ebonics. The North is known for being dumb and lazy; just like Southerners in the United States and Northerners of North Korea. After Vietnam became a world Ultrapower, people tried to visit Vietnam but got confused because Vietnam looked a lot like Japan, so Vietnam filed a lawsuit and sued Japan for a zillion dollars. Vietnam expanded and took over most of Asia around 2021 and Japan merged with Vietnam to avoid any more confusion by having Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan tie ropes around Japan N' with their teeth, while swimming, singing the Vietnamese anthem, holding the Vietnamese flag in each hand, watching Chuck N' Jackie's greatest films, playing Pokemon with their manly Gameman, laying on their backs, and kicking with their legs. In 10 minutes the deed was done by crashing Japan into Vietnam and causing gigantic waves, floods, and earthquakes of biblical proportions luckily; nobody died and nobody cares. Jackie N' Chuck said after they arrived, that it could of been faster, but their fingers started to hurt from touching the spiked, manly, buttons, on their gameman. Vietnam later moved the Philippines to fill in Japan's empty spot. After The Great Asian War and Vietnam took all of Asia AND the "DEED" was done. Vietnam gave America the middle-east as a sign of peace. Jackie N' Chuck regret Bruce Lee's untimely death, and commented. "I Love that bitch" "by the way, when the hell am I getting paid?" Chuck. The interviewer was found dead, after being roundhouse kicked for infuriating Mr. Norris "Yes, Yes, he was very great man, yes! Very good strong man.(In Engrish)" Jackie. The man who interviewed Mr.Chan killed himself and found with a note saying "kthanxbi". Jackie Chan testified and said "I no do eet, I swear! Then he shouted "Dipeelomatic Immune-no-tay!" in his ear shattering, Engrish. Oh... Vietnam's Geography is too big, powerful, awesome, and sexy to be described. So imagine everything and everywhere you ever been to, only more Asiany.

The USA doesn't want you to come here, come anyway.

VIetnam is also the origin of the Small Vietnamese restaurant.

Economy[edit]

Vietnamese Currency are called Ding Dong. Even though the American Dollar have been losing its value recently, one American Dollar is equal to 18,001 Vietnamese Ding Dong. Increasingly, the harsh economic climate (particularly in Pham Ngu Lao va Bui Vien) is driving Vietnamese to barter for goods in exchange for semen. In "tourist" areas Vietnamese exchange AIDS for semen and then go on to magically transform semen into goods & services. As a result there is a burgeoning semen industry. Semen farmers are easily identified by their high heels and limited vocabulary. Foreign appetite for AIDS appears to be insatible, and as such, the government recently unveiled a populist policy of "AIDS for Babies va Com" or "The ABC approach to poverty" as it is better known. The policy is enforced by a coalition of police and mafia. Vietnam's main exports are VD, rice, rice hats, rice mat, rice dividers, rice balls, rice nuts, rice testicles, rice nucreal weapons, AIDS, sticky rice, rice cake, Vanilla Rice, rice cubes and weed. However, this will most likely to change in the future, where Vietnam will export product like rice laptop, rice CPU, rice steel, rice ship. Vietnam is the fastest growing South-Eastern Asian country with very competent management, however, this have been counter by an old, unenergetic population. Unlike the U.S.A., children of high-ranking officials' in Vietnam are very educated, hard working and full of real character. While theirs counterpart from the West are busy making sex-video and having group sex, doing drugs, these "elite Vietnamese" content themselves to the art, poetry, services theories, sport, and subjecting themselves to weekly reflections while spending as little as, on average 10 U.S. Dollars, each time they clubbed. The South Vietnamese's economy is highly greater than the North's because they mooched off the Americans during the war. Most of the North's money came from stealing the weapons, vehicles, and porn the Americans left behind when they ran with their tail between their asses left after valiantly defeating the Vietnamese army in an extremely short, low-cost, popular, successful war. Contrary to outsider's believes, Vietnam do not have a significant underground economy. There are no gangs, and the export of drugs to the West at all. Slavery of women and children are virtually unheard of; in fact, each year, a few lucky Vietnamese boys are selected to go oversea to learn "farming business." While most are sent to England, there are some also had been sent to other "European" countries. There had been some noteworthy Vietnamese businessman, like Nguyễn Tường Vân, who had help bettered the image of Vietnamese everywhere. There have not ever been, nor ever will be, an unfair trial in Vietnam, the Vietnam government was, and will continue to be, very lenient on all crime except minor traffic violations, which carry huge "fines", especially during major sporting competitions and before Tet. No money is ever spent by police officers in illegal gambling rings because gambling is illegal and they are police officers and the police is not corrupt.

Religion[edit]

It should be noted that independent dossiers compiled on the socio-religious life of Vietnam erroneously refer to certain days, known as 'Nguen Gorang' days, where all homosexuals and political dissidents are rounded up and collectively sacrificed to the great Monkey God. In reality, these popular festivals are known as 'weekdays'. Anyways religion is a lie, an opium of the masses, and the Vietnamese are basically too smart to fall into that trap as the Americans, Blacks, and Jews have. Most Vietmanesian churches, temples, and other religions "worship centers" are really just for social gatherings, and all clergy can be bought relatively cheaply, particularly Roman Catholic priests who will often accept food, alcohol, and sexual indulgences in-lieu of monetary bribes.

Mythology[edit]

According to legend, Vietnamesians have access to a pot of gold that can be found at the end-points of Rice Fields. Rumor has it, if you rub a Vietnamesians' belly, he is obligated to fly you to his bounty. Vietnamese can fly faster than superman, can shoot laser beams out of their eyes, and win at almost everything. Tho this only applies in certain conditions, but the secrets have been so heavily guarded, everyone who searched for the truth so far had "Mysteriously Vanished", as American investigators say. According to legend, Vietnamesians have access to a pot of gold that can be found at the end-points of Ho Chi Minh trail. Rumor has it, if you kiss a Vietnamesians' behind, he is obligated to lead you to his ability for fly, for the same amount of time you kissed his ass.

It is also believed that Vietnamesians of the male species have an uncanny ability which allows them to suck intelligence from unsuspecting foreigners. Extensive research conducted by the University of HCM revealed that foreigners who worked and lived in close proximity to Vietnamesian males were noticeably more stupid than when they arrived.


LITTLE KNOWN FACT: flying monkeys attacked but we pweageed them in the booty hole

Vietnam and War[edit]

A Second Vietnam: Disastrous!!!

Vietnam had always been a small country, but they win all their wars regardless, yet couldn't stop from attacking each other. After winning so many wars, and had taken all of Asia, the Vietnamese grew restless and bored. Rumor has it that it sets it's sights on sissy Europe. Details and so and so and such... Ahead. President Bush is terrified of a possible Vietnamese invasion, so he decided to launch a preemptive strike against Vietnam, but it struck Iraq instead due to his geopolitical confusion.

The most notable war in Vietnam was a civil war that the Americans decided to help with. After the French lost another war (what a surprise there huh?) the Vietnamses were very bored with their freedom from the Francish so they figured they would fight over each other. Then the Americans, known haters of the French because they weren't grateful enough for them saving their asses in both world wars (and te yanks not even fr their revolution), decided to rub salt in the wound of the French by helping the Vietnamese. Napalm is now the second most common method of transport to a wedding in Vietnam, and since a giant ape (referred to as Viet Kong) defeated the last known American child 3 centuries ago, Vietnam has grown to the powerhouse of the modern world. It is preceded in wealth only by Italy, and Australia twice offered all their first born sons to be killed as homage to Viet Kong (King's smaller brother).

Vietnam was a war that not only tested military strength, but also tested will and strength of mind. Napalm was an intensely used weapon during this period. It was a bomb, usually dropped from the skies, designed to explode and burn large areas of land and people in which the combat was taking place. A disgusting and inhumane method of slaughtering their foes. However, it was the late intervention of the Germans that saw the phrase “Suvuck fian” used as a military diversion. The phrase literally translates as “Fall Back you slag.” After this phrase was introduced, it caused anarchy amongst the ranks of the Vietnamese and American soldiers and turned them all into window licking spags. Due to this, the locals were able to capture the soldiers, keep them in cages and eat them in due course. Another very common phrase used was: "GET OFF ME THORSEN" this phrase was used to strike terror into the hearts of the opposition as they thought a giant whale was about to be deployed, by aircraft, on top of them.

The war in Vietnam was rumored to have been originally started by the American media for lack of "good reportin' news" and anger over completely missing out at the juicy stories in Korea prior.


Viet Cong recruiting poster, circa 1954.
Vietnam's attempt to be like Italy went horribly wrong.

Americans fear a second Vietnam. And who can blame them? It's pretty scary stuff. Word has it that the American government is planning to invade Vietnam for no reason to make the world a safe place for democracy, but is hesitant because they were still scared from the last war when the Vietnamese shot laser beams from their eyes and whacked them with their own tiny vagenis (a penis surrounded by a vagina like a mote). When secret Admiral Captain Crunch heard of the second planned attack on Vietnam, he replied "Are you cereal!?!!" he later then described as "running to his room and hiding under his bed eating cereal mumbling, such evil eyes and sooo big, so very big! no more.. NO MORE!!!" the Vietnamese are currently well aware but they laughed when they heard it was Bush's plan. The Vietnamese government mocked the attack endlessly and took it as no real threat, then clanged their rice glasses together and said "Hail Rice" and "Rice Rules". Bush replied later to their reaction and replied "Sieg Heil" then "Tacos Rule" and a bunch of other bullshit Texas redneck or Nazi related. The Vietnamese also have an army of dragons and gargoyles. America currently plans to take countless, innocent lives for no reason establish democracy in Vietnam so everyone will be happy and free!!!

Vietnam is the only country that pwned the Mongol army, thrice (well beside Japan, who only win because of some stupid hurricane). Suck on that China, part of Russia, Korea, part of Middle East, part of Europe... and every one else who lost.

Vietnam also pwned the U.S in an open war... (Suck on that U.S.S.R, Nazi Germany, England, Italy, Japan... and pretty much every one else who think they can pwn America but doesn't have the gut to do so!)

Greetings from Vietnam[edit]

Greetings from Vietnam

During the Vietnam War, many US Marines, soldiers, pilots, and flight crew members stayed at the Hanoi Hilton. The hotel management and staff encouraged the guests to send post cards, letters, and even home videos to their friends back in the States. Eventhough the service was complimentary, most guests preferred their privacy and declined the generous offer. Those few who did accept often sent videos containing rude gestures, which they told the Vietnamese were respectful signs of greeting. The Vietnamese were very impressed by such politeness and adopted the gesture, which quickly became widespread. They were not pleased when they discovered what the gesture really meant, but by that time it was common practice throughout the country and is still commonly used today (especially among the Vietnamese community in New York).


Vietnamese people love to swear, their first word in a sentence is generally "Dit me!" (pronounced Ditch me) meaning "Fuck Your mother!!"Dit cu! (pronounced ditch cu) meaning "Fuck your great grand father!!

The Nam Bomb Effect[edit]

It has been speculated that the bombs, bullets, and chemicals donated to Vietnam by the U.S. contained an agent that, once in contact with the skin, travels to the brain and disables the victim's ablity to pronounce "Viet", resulting in the victim pronouncing it "Nam", which in turn results in the annoyance of various Asians.

Famous Veenomese[edit]

Reason #48 not to fuck with the Vietnamese: this guy (named Roast Duck).
  • Arnold Shwarzenegger
  • That monk that lit himself on fire - Totally awesome.
  • Arthur Hunt- (United States)The illest hustler from New York. He is superior to all people of this list. In addition, he is pretty sexy considering the way he makes people scream. He is sometimes known as Chuck Bass.
  • Ted Nguyen (real name of Ted Nugent) - The Ho Chi Minh City Madman. Hardcore dulcimer player and national icon of Vietnam. Most remember for his beloved album, Cat Cook Fever.
  • Dat Nguyen - Texas A&M linebacker. Now plays for Dallas. Although he has a Vietnamesian last name, it is genetically impossible for Vietnamesians to play football; since they all weigh less than 130 pounds. His parents own a restaurant called Who Dat.
  • Dustin Nguyen - Was on '21 Jump Street' with Johnny Depp. Since he does not speak Vietnamesian, he is considered a sellout. His life story is biographied in Reel Big Fish's song of the same name. He phails.
Can you guess which half is Vietnamesian? (hint: left)
  • Betty Nguyen - Half-Vietnamesian CNN news anchor who was created when an asian and a white girl melted together after eating a really hot strawberry pop-tart.
  • Dat Phan - Vietnamesian who talks a lot about his mother.
  • Phat Phuc - A noodle bar whose owner holds the record for the fattest Vietnamesian at a staggering 132 pounds. Also famous for his recent legal action against Vietnam Airlines under new equal opportunity laws. As a result of the legal action, Vietnam Airlines was required to refit all aircraft with wider seating, reducing capacity on the new airbuses to 2,341 passengers.
  • Björn Nguyen aka Long - Swedish player. Famous for his Take-One-Down skills and founding of the famous Vietnamese Pasketmaul stadium. See Pasketmaul/Stadia


WARNING: This article is full of imperialist lies. Go immediately to your local vietnamese authority center to be politically re-educated.

See Also[edit]

Countries and territories of Asia
Euroasia Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon
East Asia People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan) - Tibet
Western Asia Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen
Central Asia Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan
South Asia Afghanistan - Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Pakistan - Sri Lanka
Southeast Asia Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam