Viewers Like You

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Viewers like you are probably people you don't ever see. No one ever sees viewers like themselves for two reasons:

  1. They are viewers, after all. Their role is to view - not hang out.
  2. Since they are viewers like you they tend to watch the same shows. That means that they are busy at the exact same time.

Viewers like you are inexplicably thanked at the end of state-funded educational television programs such as Blackadder, My Hero and The Red Green Show. It is important to note that it is the "viewers like you" who are being thanked, but not you in particular, in other words: viewers that are like you enough to be watching the programme, but contrary enough to have bothered to contribute to its being broadcast.

Common viewers like you[edit]

The most common viewers like you are often drab losers, such as yourself. They lounge about their homes and watch T.V. They enjoy T.V. Land's programmes because they have watched all of the current shows and must look to the past for fresh entertainment.

One viewer like you is Greg Olsen. Out of many things he has in common with you, he has a similar clothing style as you, and a similar demeanor, however Greg contributes to public television, helping reruns of Red Dwarf stay on the air while all you do is sit around and selfishly masturbate.

Other viewers like you are not happy about their perceived mistreatment as viewers. "I'm not crazy about our treatment," says Viola Irving, a 36- year old viewer like you and a mid-level quality assurance manager for a snowblower company. "We always get the second billing," she continued. "It's always "Funding for this program is provided in part by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by the annual financial support from viewers like you. Thank you!" Either that, or some fat-cat philanthropists like The Annenburg Foundation, or especially The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Why can't we be first?"

Death Rate[edit]

Viewers like you have an astoundingly-high death rate that has stumped forensic experts for years. Most of the deaths occur as an inevitable result of suicide. One popular theory is that because viewers like you never get to go outside, they think that they are the only humans left. This can be terribly depressing, and the psychological pain of being the last human on Earth is impossible to resolve because there are no psychiatric counselors left to talk to.


"Viewers like you" is a phrase that is not to be confused with the phrase "Viewers LIKE you", as since they are simply viewers they have no means of displaying or communicating their likeness to you personally, per se. This follows on with the theory that since these viewers are unable to communicate, these viewers may not in fact exist and all broadcasting statistics are lies and no-one cares.

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Viewers like you are probably people you don't ever see. No one ever sees viewers like themselves for two reasons...