Vince Vaughn

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Vince appearing in his provocative "Smoke 'n' Swim" campaign

Internationally renowned actor, all round 'scalliwag', and overwieght twin-brother of Jackass Ltd's CEO, Vince Vaughn has earned himself vast praise for his dazzling performance in the Oscar-Winning Film 'Schindler's List'. Amid his usual assembly of fellow comedians, he is dedicated to bringing the peoples of the world, the latest, cutting edge comedy, concerning some bizarre issue nobody has felt necessary to touch upon before. Aside from his incredible acting profile (including such films as "The Mel Gibson Story," and the viewed "The Return of Einstein in 3D") he has become a beacon of hope for the 'fat actor population of Los Angeles, California.'

Vince frequently visits the homes of fat actors dotting the globe, recounting his struggle to become a successful 'fat actor.' Also, the discovery of the condition "insomnia" is accredited to Mr. Vaughn. He reportedly viewed his own performance in the film Scary Movie 6 (the popular 'parody' of "Flowers For Algernon," "Lawrence of Arabia," "The Deer Hunter" and "Amadeus") and failed to enter a state of sleep for a rumoured 11 years (the movie "Dracula" is based loosely around the event). When asked to reflect upon his ordeal Vince commented "I was really in some nia" and thus the term "insomnia" was coined.

Life[edit]

Vincent "Best Funny Laugh" Vaughn was born on March the 9th, American Independence Day, 1917. Vince was born on the green fields of Limerick, Ireland where he would spend his days wallowing in the mud, and running around the vast green fields, punching cattle. He lived in a small pumpkin shaped house, three parsces out of town. Vince lived with his mother Harlett O'Vaughn, his father Shaun O'Vaughn and his three brothers, Patrick, Alistair and Ben Stiller. While his brothers toiled the fields growing arsenic, Vince would daydream of a better life. In his biography Vaughn on Vaughn: But not in a sexual way he recounts his youth, spent wishing for something more, not knowing that one day he would become an academy award winner.

During his teen years Vince became a prominent figure in the IRA, being held responsible for over 14 protestant slayings. Bored with his trivial life hunting 'half-Christians' Vince packed his bags and set off for Hollywood. He bid his family farewell, his brother Ben promising to see him some day, and he left for a life of stardom.

Whilst flying over the Atlantic, Vince's plane crashed and he was forced to live off the land, along with 44 other castaways, before he was rescued by Manatee's and taken to California (during his time on the island Vince lost a great deal of weight thus explaining his appearance in "Swingers").

Upon arriving in "La-la land" Vince found it tough to find work. He was forced to sell crack to the elderly in order to pay his rent. His big break came when 'young-gun' director Jerry Seinfeld cast him alongside Christopher Walken in the court-room drama "The Big-Big Murder". Stunning reviews catapulted the movie into the Top 40. Ebert called the film "Not so much a movie more a (con. P14)" Vince was soon Lord-Mayor of Hollywood (so to speak) with offers coming out of the wazoo. He even earned himself a lead role in the stage production of the popular CGI film "Shrek" showing the world his singing and dancing talent as the loveable green ogre. However Vince was not satisfied with his two-bit roles, he wanted to really spread his wings as an actor, he wanted to tell the world powerful stories, however Vince was under-the-weather (his insomnia had returned) and had to accept a sympathy role from brother Ben Stiller in the film "Dodgeball." With the money made from criminals walking into the cinema to avoid the authorities, Dodgeball was a hit and gave Vince the money he needed to finance his own lovechild. His 'baby' which he had been working on furiously, would throw him into the acting-all-time greats. The film, which he wrote, directed, starred-in and organized lighting, would show the world the talents of Vincent Vaughn.

Vince as Percy Everyman in the film Ping-Pong: A True Underdog Story also starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Ben Wilson, Will Ferell etc.

The film which took 6 years to produce is now part of cinema history. PAC-MAN: THE MOVIE which rests upon the top 100 list of heroin addicts, grossed over 100 million people. Vince's horrid, throaty voice would now ring in the ears of all of America. PAC-MAN: THE MOVIE cleaned up at the Academy Awards, winning; best make-up, best screenplay, best television spin off, best use of the word 'intrepid,' best supporting actress, and Vince Vaugn himself even took home 'Best Actor' beating Marlon Brando, Jean Claude Van-Damme, Peter Sellers and Shaun William Scott. Marlon Brando was so impressed with Vaughns performance that he made him his mistress. Vince Vaughn now spends his days servicing the greatest living actor amid working with a slew of great comedy actors and mud-wrestling Brad Pitt.

Filmography[edit]

  • 1996: Psycho
  • 1996: Schindlers List
  • 1997: Return of Slug-Thing
  • 1998: Mr and Mrs. Fletchenstein
  • 1998: Cards (a Pixar CGI family comedy, about the 'crazy life' of a deck of cards, Vince lent his voice talents as the Ace of Spades)
  • 1999: "Titanic Two the Surface"
  • 2000: Casablanca 2
  • 2000: Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • 2000: Morgue Crashers
  • 2000: Captain America vs. Captain North Korea
  • 2001: Oceans 12: Vince Vaughn edition (because of falling ratings, Vince was simply edited into the film)
  • 2006: Untitled Will Ferrell Comedy (liekly to concern wacky pastime/profession/lifestyle e.g. Wedding crashing, anchorman, pedophile)
  • 2006: King Kong Remake (Pete Jackson thought it was time for a new one)
  • 2006: The Break-Up (Also known as The Crappy Movie Starring Jennifer Aniston's Giant Chin)
  • 2007: Modern Jewish Opression (The last in a trilogy of films by Director Steven Spielberg concerning Jewish Oppression, the most recent one being Munich, and the original being Schindler's List)

Necromancy and the Fall of Vaughn[edit]

An avid necromancer, Vince Vaughn was often drawn into the public eye due largely to his bizarre Satanic rituals. Vaughn, a brave public figure, never denied the claims but embraced them openly, hoping to educate the world about necromancy and the vast good it can do for society.

Despite Vince's proactive approach to necromancy he was met with fierce despise from the public, which ultimately led to his inevitable break-up with Hollywood heartthrob, Steven Spielberg. In order to show necromancy in a more positive light Vaughn hosted an HBO special on the provocative subject. The special, entitled "The Vince, Ben, Owen, Will and Satan Comedy Hour" turned in more then one million viewers. The show was largely sketch based, with the comedy crew delivering some hilarious jokes concerning the Anti-Christ.

After the HBO special, nation wide interest in Necromancy had increased ten-fold (so had virginal sacrifice subsequently), with Vince Vaughn leading the new wave of interest. It was on May 6th that Vaughn was to make history when fellow actor Kevin Costner was brutally shot by Tom Cruise's gang (The Cruise Cats).

Another HBO special was announced, titled Vince Resurrects Costner in which Vince planned to do just that. The new show which featured the same group of comedians plus Steve Carell, tuned-in over 2 million viewers. There, Vince sacrificed four Slavic girls (all the age of eight) and an enraged David Bowie. Vaughn then chanted an ancient Necronomicon chant and breathed life into Kevin Costner. The nation wept with happiness as the actor they loved brought an actor they liked back to life. From here however, Vince was to begin a horrible downward spiral, which ultimately ruined his career.

Kevin soon appeared in over 10 pictures including the much anticipated Godfather remake in which he would play the Don himself. Shockingly, the film performed poorly, film-goers attributing Costner's wooden acting to his reincarnation. Vince, concerned that he would be appropriately blamed for the mishap, called in the help of horror writer Stephen King, an expert on necromancy and its subsequent effects to help him.

Stephen correctly predicted that Costner was now pure evil, and would soon go on a Hollywood rampage. The aptly named Hollywood Massacres, resulted in the deaths of high profile actors; Scarlett Johansen, Uma Thurman, Vin Diesel and Leonardo DiCaprio, all at the hands of Demon Costner.

Vince used his privately owned helicopter to hunt down Costner, but by then it was too late. Kevin had already killed many celebrities as well as common people, and Vince was blamed for the deaths.

Vince faced a sentence of 44 years in Shawshank Penitentiary. However, the wily actor bargained with the presiding judge to let him free if he could defeat Costner. The country court agreed, and Vince fought Costner armed only with a Colt Revolver, a 50kb modem, and Satan on his side. The historically acclaimed Costner vs. Vaughn battle (which raged for 6 weeks) ended when Vince threw the zombified Kevin into a conveniently placed minefield.

Although Vince had earned his freedom, he was since then hated by the public, and denied movie roles at every turning point.

Facts[edit]

  • Vince Vaughn is the patron saint of Godzilla.
  • Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson once amalgamated to create the 'least funniest living being in existence'.
  • Worlds greatest grandpa 1982-1983
  • Vince Vaughn's voice is so throaty that not even a million Butter Menthols can cure it.
  • Vince Vaughns fat cheeks can stretch to form two beaches, Vaughn Cove and Vaughn Bay.
  • Contrary to popular belief Jennifer Aniston never dated Vince Vaughn, she was just being followed by a translucent blob in a Remake of the the film "The Blob".
  • If Vince Vaughn was to ever smoke a cigarette, his voice would become so throaty and husky that that he 'smoke to death' all those who heard him.
  • Canada named a region above Toronto, "Vaughan" to honour Vince Vaughn (the extra 'a' was thrown in to make this one syllable word pointless longer, and to irk people who realize that, in truth, the word only need be three letters long.
  • A little known fact is that Vince Vaughn is the pen name of Butch Hartman, creator of the TV shows The Fairly Oddparents, Danny Phantom and the 2006 movie The Break-Up.
  • And remember kids, VINCE VAUGHN DOES YOUR MOM!!!

Accolades and Awards[edit]

In 1933 Received the Distinguished Conduct Medal and Bar. Best Actor for his performance as Young Pac-Man in Pac-Man: The Man, The Legend.