Vinnie Jones

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Vincent Peter "Mrs" Jones (born 5 January 1965) is a British footballer-turned-film actor/full-time turdstain. Vinnie is most famous for getting smashed in the face by a disgruntled American fan in a bar. Jones later admitted that he got into the fight because he still believed that he was Juggarnaut from the X-Men movie he made and thus felt invincible to all humans.

Jones represented and captained the Welsh national football team having qualified via a Welsh scumbag Grandparent. He also previously played for Chelsea and Leeds United. He wasn't good enough to represent England, Scotland, Northern Ireland or Trinidad and Tobago and thus his decision to represent Wales was confirmed. As a member of the "Crazy Gang",a self titled group of egotistical steroid pumping homosexual footballers, Jones won the 1988 FA Cup Final with Wimbledon and the Crazy Gang award for Craziness for sticking his finger up a fellow member's anus and consuming the resulting brown finger smear.

He has capitalised on his tough man image as a footballer and is known as an actor for his aggressively poor style and intimidating demeanour, often being typecast into roles as coaches, hooligans general arseholes and fantasy hardman mutant characters.



This is Vinnie in a good mood...

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!”

~ Vinnie Jones on anything

“Oh, you want some do ya?!? DO YA?!? D'YOU WANT SOME?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

~ Vinnie Jones on offering some tea and biscuits to visiting relatives

“In Soviet Russia, Vinnie Jones doesn't wanna mess with YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Vinnie Jones

“Vinnie Jones is a disgrace to the last name, 'Cor blimey I'm a gangster', 'Cor blimey I'm another gangster', 'Cor blimey I'm a convicted criminal', 'Cor blimey I'm the juggernaut'.”

~ Bradford comedian and Chones FC star Callum Ellis Jarvis-Jones on Vinnie Jones


Vinnie Jones is hard. OK?!? Very hard. You DON'T want to mess with him. He could take 5000 Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face, 25000 punches to the groin from Mr T (with knuckle dusters on), 1 million baseball bat hits to the head, a knife to the gut and still yawn.

"Oh, really?!?! How do we know this??" you might ask.

Well I'll tell you why, because that is his morning routine to get him out of bed. He's waaaay too hard for a sissy alarm clock. Then he goes into the bathroom, cleans his teeth with a flamethrower and has a bath in liquid nitrogen.

...this is not.

For his breakfast he normally has grenades on toast (or cyanide pills if he isn't that hungry), washed down with a glass of petrol. Then he begins his routine of lifting weights (normally a London bus) and having a massage from a steamroller.

You see??? THAT'S how hard Vinnie Jones is. Seriously. He could kill you just with one flick if he wanted to, so don't be laughing. He has more testosterone in his little fingernail than you could ever hope to have in your entire lifetime.

Family[edit]

Most people as a small child would kiss their Mum on the cheek as a way of saying goodnight or something. Not our Vinnie. Oh no. In his household this was seen as 'totally pansy' and they instead showed affection by cracking each other across the face with a hammer. And no bedtime stories either. Instead, a young Vin would have to endure a kind of 'survival challenge' which would normally involve trying to escape from a room full of Cobras or Lions, or his father would attempt to gun him down with a machine gun.

Either way, the Vinster would always manage to survive with relative ease, and at the age of 5 won the World's Strongest Man competition and has won it every year since, ever.

Career[edit]

Vinnie's frequent episodes of man-love with Gascoigne during games cut short an otherwise successful career

Vinnie's first foray into the business world was nothing short of a disaster when he started his own "£5 for a punch in the face" business at the age of 17. To his utter amazement, he didn't manage to get a single customer and this made him very angry. To vent his frustration he opted to instead go around giving away punches for free, to random people in the street.

He acted once or something, and played football I think or something like that. He was a bit crap at both, but basically everyone was too scared to tell him so they just let him get on with it.

Actually hang on a minute.. I'm scared of him as well... um... I mean.. Vinnie Jones was brilliant at everything he did!! Yes. I hope he won't kill me now.

Anyway.... in reality he was actually quite a surprisingly good actor, especially good at playing the role of hard man from some reason. Hmm... he appeared in two short films called Your Mom's Snatch and Cock, Cock, and Two Smoking Bollocks (both pornos)

He also played football for Wombles of Wimbledon FC, and rumour has it on the rare occasions when he actually kicked the ball instead of someone's head, he was actually quite good at that too. However his career was cut short when he kept getting sent off for giving Paul Gascoigne handjobs throughout the game (see right). He was told by manager Mike Bassett that this was 'utterly inappropriate' and to 'save that shit for the dressing room'.

Random Facts that you probably don't even care about[edit]

Vinnie Jones does not like people bringing up his computer geek teenage years. Many people died to bring us this photograph.

Vinnie Jones' little finger is bigger than your entire body.

No-one shakes his hand anymore, ever since an incident in 1987 where he shook the hand of the chairman of Wimbledon FC and accidentally ripped his arm off (he was only doing it gently)

You DON'T want to call him Vincent.

Vinnie knows where you live, and if you EVER even think about disrespecting him, he will come over to your house and break your face.

Every earthquake in history has been caused by Vinnie farting.

His hobbies include saving the Earth by punching asteroids away, removing landmines from warzones (with his teeth), and going to Harlem with a 'I don't like black people and really want to have a fight with them' T-shirt on.

Screams 'Yabba-Dabba-Doooooooo' at the point of orgasm.

All your base are belong to Vinnie.

Vinnie Jones was in a knife fight once... The knife lost.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Vinnie Jones' computer. Vinnie Jones is always in control.

When Vinnie Jones makes coffee he boils the water with his own rage.

If he ever reads this, I really hope he finds it funny otherwise I am so dead.

Vinnie Jones can't read, so all is well.

Vinnie Jones eats his enimies

Was once nominated for best actor in a straight to DVD movie, but instead lost out to the tree in his garden.

If Vinnie Jones and Chuck Norris were to battle it would result in Immediate implosion of the Universe. But he would survive because he's Vinnie Jones

Memorable Quotes[edit]

You shleg!! You muppet!! I'll 'ave ya!! Mind your language!! You tit!! What 'ave you done?! Lucky bawstard!! You cahnt!! There's no need for theht!!! Apples and pears!! Okey dokey!! Runaround!!!! Fuck it!! Oi, ref!! You're 'avin' a laugh!! You shleg!! Pond! Do you not know who i am ?! I am the Jugernaught BITCH !!-kws