Vintage Jesus

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Vintage Jesus[edit]


After the battle between Ultra Jesus and Chuck Norris, over the ownership of a blue ballpoint pen which resulted in the ultimate destruction of the universe (Excepting both Chuck Norris and Ultra Jesus, who would never allow such a small thing as the destruction of the universe to be their end), Ultra Jesus, hoping to find a smaller, weaker Chuck Norris to kick the crap out of decided to use his master carpentry skills and connections to The Big Man to create a time machine which would allow him to return to the start of time (where Chuck Norris is believed to have been created).

Upon his return to 1936 (yeah, Ultra Jesus has been there before), Ultra Jesus decided that he would need to change his appearance in order to deceive Norris long enough to try and destroy him, and as such, Vintage Jesus was born. Sporting a red cap and a smiling, innocent face, this latest incarnation of our messiah began his journey to hunt down the colossal superbeing who refused to return the pen which he had lent him. Needless to say, he failed miserably, as Norris still exists in our time.

What he does with himself nowadays[edit]

When he hit his teens again with the possibility of getting a drivers license this time round (as opposed to the camel licenses he could get back in his "original youth"), he found himself to be overcome with joy, and crashed into a tree at 5km/hour. The injuries were so extensive, that the doctors ordered all his bones removed and he be put into a bag and beaten with a pointed stick. Sadly he died that night in hospital due to a mixture of boredom and hospital food.

Why that's not the end[edit]

Vintage Jesus shows off the Yo-Yo trick he hoped would be capable of finally removing that horrible Chuck Norris from existence.

Due to a loophole in Christian folklore, All Jesii are prone to reincarnation as themselves in a mere 3 days time, providing that there is a cave covered over by a boulder nearby. After his initial rebirth in this form, he went on to study physics and general science by taking a course he heard about from a friend of a friend of his. He passed the course with flying colours and started to move on to bigger and better things.

What were those things?[edit]

His excellence in the fields of physics and biology led to a case where he was too smart for his own good in which he accidentally proved that he didn't exist. The lack of such deity which was badly needed is now considered by many contemporary scientists to be the main cause for world war II.

See also[edit]