Virgin Mary

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo5.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about The Virgin Mary.
“I said to her that we would keep our baby a secret”
~ God
“I was drunk”
~ God
“I would have let her get an abortion, but a cross wouldn't fit inside her womb!
~ God
“But I would do it all again SO TIGHT!!!”
~ God
The Virgin Mary gives Jesus a tit

Virgin Mary, also known as Pimp Mary was the hottest raving mad chick of the 1st century AD.

Prologue[edit]

The Virgin Mary is a woman who, according to various eye-witness accounts, gave birth to Jesus after "not having sex with an orange juice bottle." She never had vaginal sex with her husband. Anal, while finishing off ass to mouth was her preference. She lied to her husband when she got pregnant and declared that a ghost had impregnated her with "a magic bottle of OJ." Thus came the story that she was virgin, a story that no one originally believed except for her naive and trusting husband, the cuckold Joseph.

Origin of Virgin Story[edit]

Joseph wrote a biography of his wife and his deluded delusions about her. The other accounts which dealt with the real life of Mary, including all the sexual affairs and scandals, was banned by the church in 100 AD and all copies were burned and confiscated. Consequently, by 200 AD most people had forgotten the real story of Mary. Fortunately, a number of ancient manuscripts have survived which tell the real story. In 1924, in a cave in Palestine, an original manuscript of the real story of Mary was discovered and it was published in 1925.

The Dogmas of "Immaculate Perception" and "The Immaculate Bodily Return of the Virgin"[edit]

Roman Catholics are ardent worshippers of the Virgin Mary, which is why they are ontologically superior to Protestants[citation needed].

Mary's virginity is the most ardently debated (de)floration occurrence in the history of humanity. If us humans had devoted the same energy to space exploration we would be commuting to Mars, daily. Indeed, it's not quite clear: so she was allegedly a virgin before giving birth, but in this case baby Gez should have popped that cherry coming out to save the woild? Or C-Section was widely practiced by Mid-Eastern ob/gyns at that time[citation needed] ? Or Scotty along with Jeff Goldblum stopped by to help baby Gez to come out without bursting mommy's hymen? At that time when by the old Moses' law pregnancy out of wedlock was supposed to be punished by stoning to death, knocked up maids had to come up with most believable, most vindicating excuse to give the community an excuse to bypass the old law. Most common and most believable excuse at that time happened to be a story of a ghost boy making his way in ghostly manner, i.e. not sexual[citation needed] but still resulting in pregnancy. Considering the case, community elders nodded and cursed[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] them ghost boys and quickly searched for a suitable husband among sexually frustrated mid-age widowers around. Later they went liable to wonder, how come this ghost kid looks so much just like that lad who lived over there across the hill in the other kibbutz...

An image of the Virgin Mary on a freeway underpass defaced with spray paint

Perhaps to distract the masses from questioning the Virgin Mary's virginity, the Pope invented two new teachings that have no direct account in the Bible.

  • In 1854, Catholics began teaching that the Virgin Mary was free of original sin. In other words, while we are all sinners and vicariously have to pay for Adam's sin of eating a juicy plum from the Tree of Knowledge, the Virgin Mary does not. The Virgin Mary sees sin, but she doesn't Do it. This dogma is known as Immaculate Perception.
  • And, in 1950, Catholics began teaching that the Virgin Mary was directly received body and soul into heaven without dying. This dogma is known as The Immaculate Bodily Return of the Virgin. So, if you make it into heaven and you see an ancient, decrepit, corpse-like body floating by, be very scared, because that's not the Virgin Mary but someone (other than Mary) whose body was corruptible and snuck in!

At this rate, by the year 2250, it is expected that Catholics (if there are any of them left) will have begun teaching that the Virgin Mary had extra-sensory perception, bionic powers, wonder woman powers, and boobs the size of watermelons, and Wonder Twin powers (with her twin brother Gary)*disputed.

  • A poem by James about his Mom when he was in the seventh grade:
Call the doctors, call the surgeon,
It's a miracle, like no other!
The mother claims she was a virgin.
The baby has an older brother! (me, of course)

Cameo Appearances by the Virgin Mary[edit]

Images of the Virgin Mary often appear on windows, fence posts, and walls and on food. People react in a variety of ways to the images. Some throw rocks. Some simply deface the images with spray paint. Some line up for hours to see the images. Others sell the Virgin food item on eBay (see: The Sandwich, below).

An outlet that sells much of her merchandise

Marketing[edit]

Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese (although God has confirmed he was actually going for a more Chewbacca appearance)
  • The Virgin Mary is a non-alcoholic Bloody Mary. It is three parts tomato juice and one part tomato juice, the one part tomato juice being in the place of alcohol in the original mixture. Somehow, it sells for the same price as the better-value, alcoholic Bloody Mary. Clever Marian marketing!



  • Virgin Mary is also a brand of cigarettes sold by Virginia Slims in an attempt to market to Catholic Hispanic smokers, an ever-growing consumer group according to market research.

Genealogy[edit]

Family Tree[edit]

                         Wendy   + Peter Pan
                                 |
                                 |
                                 |
                    Joseph   + Mary  + ? Zeus
                            |        |
                            |        |
                            James    |
                                     |
                                      lord baby Jesus

descendants Yes Jesus had sex[edit]

       Jadis +  lord baby Jesus 
                         
                         |
                         | 
                         |
 Gorlois + Ygraine     + Uther Pendragon         
           |         |                            
           |         |         
           |         |
           |         |                                                                    
       Morgause*  + Arthur 
                  |
          +--------+--------+ 
   Marilyn Manson   Mordred