Virus (computer)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
For the Viruses that will infect you, see Get Some Sick and Cure for the worst plague ever
“Getting a virus is like your computer having unprotected sex with the internet.”
“YOU SHALL SUFFER THE WRATH OF XORAX.”
~ that nerd who plays too much WoW on YOU
“Virus, eh? Well Let me introduce you to my main man Edger!”
~ Strongbad on Viruses
“In Soviet Russia, Virus programs YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Viruses
“D@NGER!! You have definitely got 92384029849208 virus!
CLIK HERE TO RUN A MANDETORY VIRUS SCAN OR YOU COMPUTER WILL BE DESTROY!!
WHILE YEW ARE WAITING FOR LOAD, YOU CAN DOWNLOAD PORNZ + WAREZ!!”
~ virus on posing as your virus protection
 Please Wait it takes some Minutes |
Contents |
[edit] Properties
A virus (plural vagina, virii, viruseses, or viral thingies) is a tiny infectious nerf soccerball which enters the body through unprotected orifices and rapidly multiplies by feasting upon the juicy and delectable tissues of the brain, often turning the victims into zombies and/or Christians in the process. Some viruses are naturally occurring, such as Michelangelo, Human Funk Deficiency Virus, disco fever, and The Clapper, while others are artificially produced, such as The AIDS, spring fever, and The Clap.
Probably the best description of a virus thus far: "If it is a virus, that means it will just gather what it's been designed to and keep going.
Essentially it's like trying to pee in a public men's toilet facility (your computer) while a man who's three feet taller than you (the virus) looks down at you and discovers what your features and attitude are like so he can report back to his buddies to prepare for the next contact. If you want it like this then I won't stop you, but that's what it's like.
Is it safe though? As with all root kits, viruses, malware and bots, if it sticks to its designed goals (assuming there have been no new orders to take on such as gathering your PC's passwords from certain sites and transmitting them to dubious sites) it shouldn't be much of a problem, but it would be wise to keep an eye on it."
A computer virus is a little green monkey that invades your computer when you download pathetic Pac-Man games. If they manage to devour your computer protection your computer will start growing more and then infect other computers. The monkeys will then devour the terabytes of porn that you had downloaded about 5 seconds before.
The following is a list of the newest discovered computer vagina:
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDALL VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS: Slowly fucks everything up over eight years and walks away with it.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".
PLANKTON VIRUS: Steals your computer's formula.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
DR. EVIL VIRUS: Threatens to take over the world unless it gets one billion dollars.
VIRUS VIRUS: The redundancy makes your computer explode.>>
[edit] Viruses in the Environment
While they are often dismissed as mere non-sentient diseases, viruses possess a rudimentary intelligence, self awareness, and social structure. They prefer to remain in the company of sentient hosts, and dislike the negative connotation of the term infection, preferring instead to be called unexpected guests or surprise visitors.
Viruses are family-oriented, and mate and reproduce early and vigorously, though their organic similarities soon makes it difficult to determine who's married to whom. Despite best intentions, the result is a rather sick and incestuous biological orgy, which may explain why the most repulsive and socially inept members of the human species are often also the leading microbiologists.
When habitation of a living host is impossible or impractical, simulated bipedal life forms such as lawn gnomes and pink plastic flamingos can serve as temporary lodging. Small forest creatures have been known to help prevent your lawn "decor" items by going into a rabies like reaction and getting super powers that enable them to shrink to the size of a virus. The forest creatures then make makeshift weapons and armor out of all of the dead viruses they slaughtered. Just imagine how awesome it would be to see a tiny battle of Sparta with forest creatures, like rabbits and what ever live in the forest, fight to the death under a microscope!!!
[edit] Role of Viruses in Human Society
Viruses perform a vital role in society, bringing people faith, love, joy and eventual destruction. Some scientists suggest that viruses play an important role in wiping out the weak and evil. The main problem with this theory is viruses' tendency to attack the strong and good, thus making them the weak and evil. One must not discount a virus's role in organized religion. Thousands of Americans fall victim to viruses every year only to be miraculously cured by gospel preachers. This allows the church to maintain their strong-hold on the deluded public of their world. Viruses also bring families together. How many people have only realized the true worth and scabbiness of a relative when their life is threatened by smallpox? Viruses also eliminate the problem of wagging, skiving and malingering by creating a real need for laziness, and so abolishing one of the Western World's biggest downfalls. No one ever chucks a sicky in Tanzania, because they are all actually dying.
[edit] What Would Life Without Viruses Be Like?
Life without viruses would be a very lonely place. Mostly due to the absence of something to talk about at the coffee machine, and the familiar virus alert every time you visit your favorite websites. People would become living divine gods that would then colonize other worlds and systems and eventually becomes viruses themselves. The end result would still bring a rather large case of wombats regardless of where you would go.
[edit] From Wikipedia
"Viruses have genes and show to complex molecules." And everyone knows this is not true. We must stop Wikipedia's false information!
