Vladimir VII the Putin
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Vladimir Titicacapoopovich VII the Putin (Russian: Владимир Владимирович Пуддинг, born on October 23, 1952, in KGB Headquarters, Siberia, Russia), also known as Poo Teen, Put-put, Pooty the Pooh, Monster Putin Wallet and Vladimire Poutine, is the first and only communist czar of New Russia and a direct descendant of Ras Putin, son of Lavrenty Beria and Milla Jovovich.
According ot some sources, Putin was the peak of communist experiments to develop a race of flawless superhuman dictators since WWII. Just as with all Russian inventions, the experiment came to use AFTER the Soviets fell apart (but Russians are still proud of it). Putin's only weakness is alcohol, as when he drinks, he becomes a horrible monster known as Verka Serdiuchka.
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[edit] Personal Life
Comradde Putin grew up late. His hobbies include Judo, ping-pong, discordance, rape, hunting journalists, collecting rare disease cultures, feasting on children, making sushi, Killing minorities that hate him, dressing up as Jean Luc Picard at Star Trek conventions, and stamp collecting. He lives in a lovely dacha outside of Moscow. However, true to his modest roots, Putin prefers humble accomodations, sleeping in a simple pine box filled with graveyard soil and carry women against their will, why not, they like it, it is nice! One day, he took his 180 John Deere riding lawn mower and declared that he was going to drive it all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico. He is also a fan of multiplayer Call of Duty 4. Recently, incontrovertible evidence has surfaced that Putin, at the ripe age of 7, mortally wounded the AntiChrist's penis, causing Obama--I mean, the AntiChrist from focusing on anything else but his own shortcomings. Putin's dastardly childhood tomfoolery had thus prevented events foretold in the Book of Revelation from coming to fruition, and nullifying the Judeo-Christian religious tradition entirely. Jesus is now looking for a new job.
Also, Putin is a major fan of put-put golf... Put put put!
Rumors that Putin is the inspiration for the children's computer game "Putt-Putt" are generally thought of only by people with very little life-worth.
[edit] Putin as President of Russia
![Putin reading a secret message from the Interpol agents through a device disguised as a young Russian child [1].](/wiki/Image:Putinkiss.jpg)
Some claim that his real name is Ivan, in which case he would have been enthroned as Ivan VI the Cold Starer. But his methods have been stealthy and he covers up his tracks with his czarist powers, claiming to be connected with Russia's Czar almost a hundred years before - Vladimir VI the Lenin. In fact he actually was created in the future by a race of machines intent on studying human behavior when submitted to authoritarian dictatorship by utterly sickening Canadian snack food.
Gisovskij is also Putin's right hand. He really is, in every sense of the word. When Putin shits, he wipes his ass. When Putin needs his back scratched, Gisovskij's the man and when Putin needs to be humoured, he just have to look at Gisovskij to laugh at his funny looking face. All these services to Putin has led to Putin installing a special keyboard at Gisovskijs workstation at the school he's running his operations from. The keyboard includes a controlpannel if Gisovskij needs transport, in which case a magical wheelchair will appear. The Button of Mass Destruction is the primary funktion, which will if pressed blow up the whole school except for the exact place where Gisovskij stands. Everything will blow up but him. He'll never use this button though, since he's too lazy to push it.
The first Russian czar to have a black belt in Judo, he took over leaving Boris Yeltsin free to enjoy his retirement with the love of his life - Vodka. He even allowed the Good Old Gorby to retain his post as Pizza Hut's supreme cook.
On September 13, 2004, following the Beslan school hostage crisis, Putin put forth a system where governors would be appointed by him and approved his Senate instead of elected outright, when asked to explain, Putin said, "The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line." Shortly after this, he took the title of Grand Moff Putin.
Reports of him being sighted in the "Gremlins" movies have been confirmed, where he had the supernatural talent of playing all of them. I agree with a face like that, that many experts suspected that children had nightmares for the rest of their lives; however, this was not scientifically confirmed until it was published in Scientific American in January 2007.
It was partly this problem which led to him choosing to appear as Dobby the House Elf in the film, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in an attempt to console the Russian public. However, Putin did not play the elf directly, cameoing only in dialogues. The rest was performed by his ex-double brother, Doboslavski, who was horribly mutated by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster and then arrested of practicing coprophagy.
Aside from judo with KGB trained bears armed with battle balalaikas, Voldemort Putin's favorite hobby is poking innocent Russian losers(the minotity who don't like him)and liberals with sticks of hot iron in the bloody basements of Lubyanka.
Reported to be currently considering re-nationalising Afghanistan, and naming it UPAR(United Putinist Afghan Republic) .
Vladimir Putin is loved by all living good Russians. However, the good Russian Zombie Lenin, who recently rose from his glass case to terrorize the putinist government of Russia, is the only dead good Russian whose opinion has been consulted, and he responded to questions about Putin with "ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH... BRAINS................ KILL BOURGEOIS SCUM..........," which has been interpreted as "Vladimir Putin is the archenemy of the proletariat and must be destroyed.
It is rumored that Putin may be the reincarnation of Stalin; however, he has not yet reached Stalin's famed murder rate. Or perhaps all his murders hasn't been unveiled yet. Many believe that Putins spirit met Hitlers and they had a snowball fight in russian hell and became best friends and eventually escaped from hell and took over Putins body when he was haing sex with a dead reporters body.
[edit] Facts and Myths about Putin
- Myth: Vladimir Putin's favorite food is roasted Chechen babies smothered in ketchup
- Fact: Putin does not like ketchup, and he never eats it on his food.
- Myth: Putin hunts journalists using a shotgun
- Fact: Putin prefers bowhunting.
- Myth:Putin enjoys the nice things in life
- Fact:Putin killed Rasputin by stabbing his brain with his earbone, he also has the the highest kill to death ratio 200200000000:0.
- Myth: Putin's friends are at constant risk of death due to his paranoia
- Fact: Putin has no friends. He hasn't found anybody worthy, thus he only has minions.
- Myth: Putin idolizes Hitler
- Fact: His idol is Stalin.
- Myth: When an underling disappoints him, Putin has Russian security terminate them.
- Fact: When an underling disappoints him, Putin uses The Force to crush their trachea.
- Myth: Putin can only be killed with a stake through the heart.
- Fact: Putin has no heart. The only way to kill him is to chop off his head and then bury it at a crossroads at midnight, so his spirit will never be able to find it. Very hard indeed.
- Myth: It has not been proven, even by the Scotland Yard, that the ex-FSB agent and a bunch of reporters have been killed by Putin, and in fact the murders stained the reputation and hurt the interests of Putin more than anything.
- Fact: The matter was thoroughly analyzed by the glorious ministry of OBS (Odna Babka Skazala (some guy told) - the most popular source of information in Russia) as well as Boris Berezovsky, and they came to the conclusion that, because of all the murders, Vladimir Putin gained billions of vodkadollars, killed even more Chechens and went back to communism, but no one knows that, because there aren't any journalists left to tell the world! Also, KGB putinism Gazprom balalaika bears Lenin vodka evil. So there.
- Myth: Putin has an intense hatred of all who question him.
- Fact: Putin does not have emotions such as hatred. Rather, his behavior towards his opposition is merely a matter of his programming and also a bit of harmless entertainment. Don't be scared.
- Myth: Periodicaly throughout the year roughly 593 resurrected Soviet die-hards follow Putin around wherever he goes. This unusal event is very similar to that of the Pied Piper attracting rats to follow him around.
- Fact: Actually well over 10,384 Soviet Die hards have been recorded to follow Putin wherever he goes. Each resurrected Soviet has 1 Nuclear missile strapped to their backs for some odd reason. Although they hate the word "Putinist"
[edit] Famous sayings
Puting has been noted for his clever ways of wording things. Unfortunately, Russian is such a shit language that nobody who speaks like a normal person can appreciate Putin's words of wisdom in their original context.
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for me!”
~ Putin on patriotism
“Give a man some fish and you feed him for a day. Kick a man to death and you never have to feed him at all.”
~ Putin on poverty
“It gives good advice to have a bear in the park after sunlight. Never such before though, has a mind of its brighted fallen.”
~ Putin on the meaning of life
“I have decided to leave the postion as Russias President to the lowly government position of Tsar of all Russians.”
~ Putin on resigning as president of Russia
[edit] Likes
- Poutine , you know. fries , cheese and sauce
- children, but especially type O-negative, it got that special zing
- duh... vodka
- hunting journalists
- Shiatsu Massages
- Vladimir Putin' it to the ladies
- Call of Duty 4
- Movies where Tommy Lee Jones saves Los Angeles from volcanic destruction
- "The Hunt for Red October" - only the first four minutes
- Comedy sitcoms involving a group of friends in (as Putin said): "sticky situations"
- Your Mother.
- Tracking Devices
- Fondling nuclear warheads
- Serbia
- Open, democratic, non-toxic Ukrainian elections (we swear)
[edit] Dislikes
- Journalists
- Hooligans
- Chechnya
- Fat Chicks
- NeoCons
- Children with thick, difficult-to-suck blood
- Goths
- Anyone who looks like Howard Stern
- Poets
- Muslims
- Kittens
- Political Cartoonists
- Teletubbies
- Clerics
- Trailer Trash
- Hippies
- Croats
- Uzbecks
- Comedians
- Catholics
- Historians
- Human Rights Activists
- Buddhists
- Scum
- Mystics
- Bleeding Hearts
- Apologists
- Slackers
- Trekkers
- Mimes
- People Who Ask Too Many Questions
- Critics
- His aging aging wife
- Georgia
- Poland
- Kosovo
[edit] Vladimir Putin PWNS
- Your Mom
- Capitalism
- Georgia
- Microsoft
- Death
- NATO
- Georgia
- Kulaks
- Georgia
- Drunk Drivers
- Georgia
- Wikipedia
- Georgia
- Hottness
- Georgia
- His Wife
- Georgia
[edit] Trivia
- The name "Putin" is derived from the Canadian snack food "poutine," a uniquely authoritarian variety of sickening glop, indeed a better version of Britain's goulash.
- Some sources hint that actually the name "Putin" is a short for emperor Palpatine.
- Some other sources mention 'putane' /from Ital. for a 'whore'/ as an original source of this comrade's mentalitet / Russky version of Eng. 'mentality', as they don't like their own language, they do not use their original word for the same 'umonastroenie' anymore, since they decided to jump over the 'bright Communist Future' stage straight back into a Russky-capitalism, leaving the vast bovine population of the 'Russians' /of the very varied and mixed ethnic origins indeed/, in a suspended animation limbo, half-way between the two major ideological polarities.
- "Vladimir" means "rule the world" in Russian, or, rather, own the world.
- It is widely believed that Vladimir Putin has the most appropriate name in history, well, wishful thinking, maybe (?).
- Was named Time Magazine's 2008 Putin of the Year. This honour was meant to have been awarded to the Hypnotoad, but was given to Putin in a case of mistaken identity. Because Time are big wusses.
- Special commemorative editions of Pravda have been published, featuring articles concerning his love life, top techniques in the bedroom, and a how-to guide on eliminating political opponents at home and abroad. He confides in the edition that his two role models are Stalin and David Hasselhoff, presumably the former to keep in shape and the latter for his political skills.
- Putin has created his own brand of tea - "Atomic Blend", marketed as a refreshing blend that packs quite a punch although might result in serious internal organ failure. This is only available in one Mayfair hotel.
- Putin has also dabbled in acting, playing the KGB Colonel in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". Dismayed to discover that the film was not real, and the crystal skulls concerned did not possess mythical powers, Putin set about sabotaging the film in exchange for authentic blueprints of the Death Star from George Lucas.
