Vladimir VII the Putin
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“Anyone who does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Anyone who wants it back has no brain. Anyone who was afraid of it had no balls. We will we will rock you!”
~ Putin on the CCCP
Tsar Vladimir Titicacapoopovich VII the Putin, Emperor of Russia, God of Hell Fire and amateur model car maker (Russian: Владимир Владимирович Пуддинг, born on October 23, 1952, in KGB Headquarters, Siberia, Russia), also known as Poo-tin, Put-put, Put in, Pooty the Pooh, Monster Putin Wallet and Vladimire Poutine, is the first and only communist czar of New Russia and a direct descendant of Ras Putin, son of Lavrenty Beria and Milla Jovovich.
According to some sources, Putin was the peak of communist experiments to develop a race of flawless superhuman dictators since WWII. Just as with all Russian inventions, the experiment came to use AFTER the Soviets fell apart (but Russians are still proud of it). Putin's only weakness is alcohol, as when he drinks, he becomes a horrible monster known as Verka Serdiuchka. The last time this happened, one of Chernobyl's reactors melted down. Though, according to him, those damned Ukrainians deserved it.
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[edit] Personal Life
Comrade Putin grew up late. His hobbies include Judo, killing Chechens, ping-pong, killing Chechens, discordance, killing Chechens, killing Chechens, hunting journalists, killing Chechens, collecting rare disease cultures, killing Chechens, feasting on children, killing Chechens, making sushi, injecting radioactive metals into anyone that hates him, dressing up as Jean Luc Picard at Star Trek conventions, killing Chechens, stamp collecting, killing Chechens, invading small countries and simply being a horrible piece of shit, killing Chechens, killing Georgians, torturing Kazakhs, making snowmen out of Siberians, being a fashion Diva, and polluting Central Asia. He lives in a lovely dacha outside of Moscow. However, true to his modest roots, Putin prefers humble accommodations, sleeping in a simple pine box filled with graveyard soil and carry women against their will, why not, they like it, it is nice! One day, he took his 180 John Deere riding lawn mower and declared that he was going to drive it all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico. He is also a fan of multi-player Call of Duty 4. Recently, incontrovertible evidence has surfaced that Putin, at the ripe age of 7, mortally wounded the Antichrist's penis, causing Obama--I mean, the Antichrist from focusing on anything else but his own shortcomings. Putin's dastardly childhood tomfoolery had thus prevented events foretold in the Book of Revelation from coming to fruition, and nullifying the Judeo-Christian religious tradition entirely. Jesus is now looking for a new job.
Also, Putin is a major fan of put-put golf... Put put put!
It is also a well known fact that Putin has no car insurance. But the rest of the Russian population fears being Force choked by him too much to do anything about it - face it, he's a badass. I meant, everyone has bad ass after meeting Putin.
Here is an example of his legendary sense of humour: one day a renowned Lithuanian journalist (now dead, tragic accident, long story) asked him: "Mr. Putin, what actor do you think would likely portray you if a film were to be made of your life?" To which Putin replied: "Why, myself, of course."
[edit] Darth Putin as President of Russia
Some claim that his real name is Ivan, in which case he would have been enthroned as Ivan VI the Cold Starer. But his methods have been stealthy and he covers up his tracks with his czarist powers, claiming to be connected with Russia's Czar almost a hundred years before - Vladimir VI the Lenin. In fact he actually was created in the future by a race of machines intent on studying human behavior when submitted to authoritarian dictatorship by utterly sickening Canadian snack food.
Gisovskij is also Putin's right hand. He really is, in every sense of the word. When Putin shits, he wipes his ass. When Putin needs his back scratched, Gisovskij's the man and when Putin needs to be humoured, he just have to look at Gisovskij to laugh at his funny looking face. All these services to Putin has led to Putin installing a special keyboard at Gisovskij's workplace. The keyboard's primary function is the Key of Mass Destruction, which will if pressed blow up the whole school except for the exact spot where Gisovskij stands. Everything will blow up but him. He'll never use this button though, since he's too lazy to push it.
The first Russian czar to have a black belt in Judo, he took over leaving Boris Yeltsin free to enjoy his retirement with the love of his life - Vodka. He even allowed the Good Old Gorby to retain his post as Pizza Hut's supreme cook.
On September 13, 2004, following the Beslan school hostage crisis, Putin put forth a system where governors would be appointed by him and approved by his Senate instead of elected outright, when asked to explain, Putin said, "The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line." Shortly after this, he took the title of Grand Moff Putin.
Reports of him being sighted in the "Gremlins" movies have been confirmed, where he had the supernatural talent of playing all of them. I agree with a face like that, that many experts suspected that children had nightmares for the rest of their lives; however, this was not scientifically confirmed until it was published in Scientific American in January 2007.
It was partly this problem which led to him choosing to appear as Dobby the House Elf in the film, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in an attempt to console the Russian public. However, Putin did not play the elf directly, cameoing only in dialogues. The rest was performed by his ex-double brother, Doboslavski, who was horribly mutated by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster and then arrested of practicing coprophagy.
Aside from judo with KGB trained bears armed with battle balalaikas, Voldemort Putin's favorite hobby is poking innocent Russian losers(the minority who don't like him)and liberals with sticks of hot iron in the bloody basements of Lubyanka. Of course, he answers "no no, I not do it please lawnmower cereal" when questioned about it.
Reported to be currently considering re-nationalising Afghanistan, and naming it UPAR(United Putinist Afghan Republic) .
Vladimir Putin is loved by all living good Russians. However, the good Russian Zombie Lenin, who recently rose from his glass case to terrorize the putinist government of Russia, is the only dead good Russian whose opinion has been consulted, and he responded to questions about Putin with "ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH... BRAINS................ KILL BOURGEOIS SCUM..........," which has been interpreted as "Vladimir Putin is the archenemy of the proletariat and must be destroyed.
It is rumored that Putin may be the reincarnation of Stalin; however, he has not yet reached Stalin's famed murder rate. Or perhaps all his murders hasn't been unveiled yet. Many believe that Putins spirit met Hitlers and they had a snowball fight in Russian hell and became best friends and eventually escaped from hell and took over Putins body when he was having sex with a dead reporters body.
Has also in his spare time decided to model for Rueshbadeuche, a modeling agency that caters only to former dictators and heads of state. Here is a shot from his recent shoot that was leaked to the press in the West.
[edit] Facts and Myths about Putin
- Myth: Vladimir Putin's favorite food is roasted Chechen babies smothered in ketchup
- Fact: Putin does not like ketchup, and he never eats it on his food.
- Myth: Putin hunts journalists using a shotgun
- Fact: Putin actually prefers bowhunting, but instead as he is a notorious shithouse he simply gets his bastards to poison people for 'lying'.
- Myth:Putin enjoys the nice things in life
- Fact:Putin killed Rasputin by stabbing his brain with his earbone, he also has the the highest kill to death ratio 200200000000:0.
- Myth: Putin's friends are at constant risk of death due to his paranoia
- Fact: A true Putin has no friends. He hasn't found anybody worthy, thus he only has minions.
- Myth: Putin idolizes Hitler
- Fact: His idol is Stalin.
- Myth: When an underling disappoints him, Putin has Russian security terminate them.
- Fact: When an underling disappoints him, Darth Putin uses The Force to crush their trachea.
- Myth: Putin can only be killed with a stake through the heart.
- Fact: Putin has no heart. The only way to kill him is to chop off his head and then bury it at a crossroads at midnight, so his spirit will never be able to find it. Very hard indeed. Unless your stupid enough to bury it in Moscow then shit will happen to ya.
- Myth: It has not been proven, even by the Scotland Yard, that the ex-FSB agent and a bunch of reporters have been killed by Putin, and in fact the murders stained the reputation and hurt the interests of Putin more than anything.
- Fact: The matter was thoroughly analyzed by the glorious ministry of OBS (Odna Babka Skazala (some guy told) - the most popular source of information in Russia) as well as Boris Berezovsky, and they came to the conclusion that, because of all the murders, Vladimir Putin gained billions of vodkadollars, killed even more Chechen's and went back to communism, but no one knows that, because there aren't any journalists left to tell the world! Also, KGB putinism Gazprom balalaika bears Lenin vodka evil. So there.
- Myth: Putin has an intense hatred of all who question him.
- Fact: Putin does not have emotions such as hatred. Rather, his behavior towards his opposition is merely a matter of his programming and also a bit of harmless entertainment. Don't be scared.
- Myth: Periodically throughout the year roughly 593 resurrected Soviet die-hards follow Putin around wherever he goes. This unusual event is very similar to that of the Pied Piper attracting rats to follow him around.
- Fact: Actually well over 10,384 Soviet Die hards have been recorded to follow Putin wherever he goes. Each resurrected Soviet has 1 Nuclear missile strapped to their backs for some odd reason. Although they hate the word "Putinist"
- Myth: Putin is no longer President of Russia.
- Fact: Technically Putin is Prime minister, but the new president Dmitry Medvedev answers to him, and was built in his garage. Putin is also the leader of the Order of the Communist Pear. An secret organization that really controls Russia.
- Myth: Putin had sex with a genetically modified cow in Greener Pastures.
- Fact: False. It was genetically modified PROSTITUTE in some top secret whorehouse in Dubai.
- Myth: Putin was highly amused when he found this article while surfing the net.
- Fact: False. He ordered the KGB to "disappear" everyone who uses Uncyclopedia.
[edit] Famous sayings
Putin has been noted for his clever way of wording things. Many in Russia often seek his counsel when it comes to life in general. Putin has since established his own brand of Philosophy, entitled "Putinism". His wisdom has proven to be powerful and true, often killing those who attempt to refute it. Below are some of his more noteworthy sayings.
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for me!”
~ Putin on patriotism
“Give a man some fish and you feed him for a day. Kick a man to death and you never have to feed him at all.”
~ Putin on poverty
“It put's the lotion on it's skin, or else it get's the hose again.”
~ Putin on meeting Cherie Blair
“I have decided to leave the postion as Russias President to the lowly government position of Tsar of all Russians.”
~ Putin on resigning as president of Russia
“My proposed legislation was finally passed with a unanimous vote. Of course, it was quite loud in the Duma that day, what with my KGB agents severing the vocal chords of all who stood opposed. ”
~ Putin on his political success.
“ Whats so funny? There is nothing funny about that!”
~ Putin on you amused about that gay fish joke.
[edit] Putin and the Bolshevist Alternation
Westerners who are hip to how things really worked in the USSR keep careful watch on the succession of leaders. Many predicted the end of the "Bolshevist Alternation," the unbroken and inexplicable pattern in the amount of hair on Russian leaders. Namely: Lenin bald, Stalin hair, Krushchev bald, Brezhnev hair, Andropov bald, Chernenko hair, Gorbachev bald, Yeltsin hair. However the pattern has continued: Putin bald, and, currently, Medvedev hair. Medvedev is showing a bit of a receding hairline however so the jury is still out on whether the Bolsheviks are in fact still in power. Of course, anyone who really wants to know that, just has to ask a Bolshevik.
[edit] Trivia
- The name "Putin" is derived from the Canadian snack food "poutine," a uniquely authoritarian variety of sickening glop, indeed a better version of Britain's goulash.
- Some sources hint that actually the name "Putin" is a short for emperor Palpatine.
- Some other sources mention 'putane' /from Ital. for a 'whore'/ as an original source of this comrade's mentalitet / Russky version of Eng. 'mentality', as they don't like their own language, they do not use their original word for the same 'umonastroenie' anymore, since they decided to jump over the 'bright Communist Future' stage straight back into a Russky-capitalism, leaving the vast bovine population of the 'Russians' /of the very varied and mixed ethnic origins indeed/, in a suspended animation limbo, half-way between the two major ideological polarities.
- "Vladimir" means "rule the world" in Russian, or, rather, own the world.
- It is widely believed that Vladimir Putin has the most appropriate name in history, well, wishful thinking, maybe (?).
- Was named Time Magazine's 2007 "Most Menacing Man of The Year Award". The award was originally going to go to Lord Voldemort for his chilling portrayal of himself in Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix, but he was found dead shortly before he was to receive the honor. Autopsy reports confirmed his trachea had been crushed by the use of a Force Choke, Putin's preferred method of execution.
- Special commemorative editions of Pravda have been published, featuring articles concerning his love life, top techniques in the bedroom, and a how-to guide on eliminating political opponents at home and abroad. He confides in the edition that his two role models are Stalin and David Hasselhoff, presumably the former to keep in shape and the latter for his political skills.
- Putin has created his own brand of tea - "Atomic Blend", marketed as a refreshing blend that packs quite a punch although might result in serious internal organ failure. This is only available in one Mayfair hotel.
- Putin has also dabbled in acting, playing the KGB Colonel in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". Dismayed to discover that the film was not real, and the crystal skulls concerned did not possess mythical powers, Putin set about sabotaging the film in exchange for authentic blueprints of the Death Star from George Lucas.
- Putin's morning routine consists of waking up at the crack of dawn, drinking pure Colombian brand coffee (Mixed with Pure Siberian Oil) and then engaging in single unarmed combat with a bear. This has been his morning routine since the age of twelve.
