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“You sad, strange little man.”
“He was the secret to my success.”
A well-known and beloved chef, actor, crime-fighter, and philanthropist, Voltron is perhaps the most famous of all time-travelling Mexican robots. Born February 12, 1916 in the town of Villahermosa to a magic toaster and super-intelligent camel, Voltron spent much of his youth talking like a pirate, throttling chickens, and dreaming of one day cooking omelets for famous people.
On his eighteenth birthday, his dream was finally realized when he was accidentally and inexplicably sent forward in time while trying to crawl into the TV to the year 1976, where he found himself working in the kitchen of famous intellectual Ron Jeremy. It was here that he developed a reputation as an adept omelet chef and stunt cock, famous for his four-cheese omelets and revealing cooking attire.
In 1981 he opened his own restaurant with the full financial backing of the porn industry, and had great success serving high-level politicians and movie stars. In 1983 he was elected president of the National Restaurant Association, or NRA, a position he would hold for the next four years.
This was both a fruitful and heartbreaking time for the giant robot, as it was during his NRA presidency that he perfected his most fabulous cooking-related invention: the Seven Cheese Super-Omega-Ophrah Omelet, which granted those who ate it an awe-inspring sense of rhythm as well as enormous wangs. Heart-rendingly, however, this recipe was stolen by the great Oscar Wilde before it could be sent into production, and, as the legends tell, the only copy of the recipe in existence still resides in the highest room of the tallest tower in his great castle, waiting to be rescued by some fair and brave Prince.
In 1985, Voltron was mugged and raped by a drug-addled hobo dwarf, an experience that left him severely shaken and sore and inspired him to leave his position at the NRA to take up crime fighting. To this end, he allied himself with successful superheroes such as Captain Falcon, Your Mom,Chuck Norris and Napolean, and spent several years rooting out evil-doers and fucking them straight. He said that if it wasn't for Chuck he would have commited suicide to his Grandma
Sadly, it is widely believed that all his successes began to go to his head, and in the early 90s, Voltron became addicted to both cocaine and baby powder, and developed a taste for human blood, which he harvested from hookers and clowns. However, even in the midst of his fall from grace, he still managed several notable achievements, such as inventing a superior form of insulin while snorting a line of coke off a hooker, and coining the term "bologna" while beating a geriatric clown to death with his own shoe. On October 18, 1998 Voltron died of a massive overdose of cocaine and talc in a Las Vegas hotel room. His passing was greatly mourned by the collective porn, restaurant, and crime-fighting industries.
Not to be confused with: