Vortex healing

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The VortexHealing Institute (it's one word, the space between just wasn't in the budget) is an alternative healing therapy establishment created sometime in the late 1700's in anticipation of the mass casualties of the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons. It claims to have the remarkable ability to awaken the spirit of the human heart, something that is supremely important as the human spirit has to go to school and his mother has been waiting in the car for 10 minutes now.


Dr. Phil applying vortex healing to a patient

According to both their website and a disembodied voice one can only attribute to the spirit of Obi-Wan Kenobi, VortexHealing is a divine art that comes directly from the ancestors of Merlin. When questioned on how a fictional medieval character created a divine art, representatives are quick to point out that "He's just that f***ing divine.". (Note: Merlin is actually a formal title, rather than a real person. This is somehow lost on people.)


Potential teachers are informed of the need for an 'energetic spine'. Not any old spine's gonna cut it folks. Your spine has to be up at 6 a.m. jogging up steps and listening to 'Eye of the Tiger' in order to learn the mysteries of the divine light. The true need for such a spine is a mystery to all but the most dishevelled and senile of Monks, but from the information our researchologists can gather, it is because in order to properly harness the divine light, your spine must actually leap from your back and perform the healing itself.


There exists a sinsiter conspiracy within the teachings of VortexHealing. At one point on their site, they claim that:
"There are 49 different forms of Vortex Light, each with a different function, and each goes exactly where it needs to go to optimally help the person who is receiving healing. ".

While later, they claim:
"As stated earlier, VortexHealing uses 44 forms of divine Vortex light"

This is an oversight from the great divine light war that began between two light factions over the subject of the correct way to consume cheese. Whilst not being a particularly bloody war, what with the combatants being made of light and all, 5 divine lights fell dead. The winning faction attempted to erase their existence from the holy scriptures of the web site.

External links[edit]

  • [1] The VortexHealing website.