Vowels are those elitist, stuck up letters of the alphabet that insist on being in every word, hogging all the attention. They live in a gated community behind your throat, segregated from all the other letters that live around your tongue and lips.
You have to be careful around vowels, since they tend to roam around in malicious vowel groups. You might be assaulted by A and I on a train or run into a couple of O's in the hood.
They also think they look so cool wearing those umlauts on their heads, but everyone knows it just makes them look fat.
People interested in buying vowels may be disappointed to know that they cost a whopping $250.
ee e oe
A- A is for asshole, and ain't it the truth. They're so conceited that they're not just the first vowel, but the have to be the first letter in the entire alphabet. What a bunch of divas! They've been putting up vanity pages on Uncyclopedia too.
Æ What the hell is going on here? Even other vowels shun this deformed hermaphrodite. At least there were in the Æon Flux cartoons, which were pretty cool. Too bad about that movie though.
E - What a bunch of pretentious dickholes. The E's weren't so bad before they got on the internet then then it was all E-commerce and E-business and E-everything. The E's are the masters of shitty buzzwords trying to sound modern. They also think that posting Goatse links everywhere is totally funny, but it got lame years ago.
I - As a first-person pronoun these might just be the worst of the vowels. At least A has the decency to be an indefinite article sometimes. Hey I's, you look like skinny sticks. That's not hot, that just makes it look like you have anorexia.
O - The O's are not too bad as vowels go. I mean sometimes they get into the booze and act stupid, but usually they're cool.
Œ - Another hermaphrodite vowel nobody cares about.
U - What the hell is wrong with these guys? I heard they invented Interweb-§[email protected] just because they didn't want to share the word you with a Y and an O. Now it's all "r u ther? i <3 u kthxbi"
Ü - THIS LETTER IS TO BE ÜSED ONLY BY JESÜS HIMSELF.
Sometimes Y - Yeah, only sometimes. It was once a proper vowel, but after the forgotten incident involving the letter G, umlauts, Shakespeare, an economy-sized tub of lard, Ronald Mcdonald, a can of creamed corn, and a basket of dirty undergarments, it was demoted to "SEMI-VOWEL" status.