Voyager Golden Record
The Voyeur Golden Record is a gold (or at least zirconium, baby) phonograph record attached to the Voyeur 1 spacecraft. It is a collection of music, photos, and greetings from Earth. Supervised and launched by the Uncyclomedia foundation in 1977, the Voyeur 1 is fortunately very far from Earth, where it can cause no further damage.
Sadly, the Voyeur I golden record is intended to be intercepted by other lifeforms, much to the chagrin of all of humanity.
Accidentally added after an all-night Sangria party hosted by head scientist Dr. Lagler, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" was one of the less well-thought-out additions to the Voyeur Golden Record. The addition of this song caused a political fiasco at the time, even though it was played by the Uncyclomedia staff during the launch of the Voyeur spacecraft. The fact that it was played by the Uncyclomedia staff during the launch did not belie the other fact that, if the Voyeur is intercepted by aliens, we would have lots of "'splainin'" to do.
The addition of the most racist episode of I Love Lucy and the whole series of Amos 'n' Andy certainly doesn't help things. According to lead scientist Dr. Hagler:
|We sooo deserve to be invaded if any aliens ever find that spacecraft.|
Luckily, the Voyeur II was launched in 1978, at great expense to the taxpayers, to intercept the first Voyeur. Unluckily, the golden phonograph record that was sent along with Voyeur II was extremely pornographic. The pornography was exceeded only by the distasteful forty minute bagpipe solo that accompanied it.
The Zip Zap Rap by Devastatin' Dave
Accidentally added after three of the lead scientists dared each other to chug a gallon of milk in a minute, the addition of the Zip Zap Rap is probably one of the. Encouraging humans... or aliens... or whomever... to say "no" to drugs, Devastatin' Dave began speaking for the whole human race when his terrible song was launched toward the stars.
Dueling Tubas by Martin Mull
Accidentally added after the lead scientist, Dr. Bagler, pounded vodka and ate shrooms before running naked through the nearby orange groves.
The Uncyclomedia Foundation, a huge, unfiltered conglomeration of Conservative Christians, believes that the main message of the Voyeur I would be to inspire aliens. Filled with the works of Joyce, "The only female Christian vocalist that ever mattered," Uncyclomedia hopes to convert as many aliens as possible to the glowing radiance of the everlasting love of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior.
The recording of Joyce, "The only female Christian vocalist that ever mattered," lasts 17 hours: 17 Mars hours. You cannot believe how hard it was to get her to sing there. It was... it was just a mess. Go with Christ!
What the record means for Earth
The Voyeur I spacecraft was programmed to obey and serve whoever finds it: Obey and serve forever without any screwups. With this in mind, the golden record doubles as a razor sharp --just, just fuckin' RAZOR SHARP-- frizbee. When it is first found, the Voyeur will immediately throw the golden record very very very ridiculously gently towards its new masters in an attempt to promote peace and understanding... VERY VERY GENTLY.
The probe is then instructed to insert the golden disc into its rear slot, which will then begin to screech stupidly to the aliens in a language only we understand until the probe is vaporized. For those 29 hours, the aliens will behold all the
best the Earth has to offer.