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“Waitrose! Is that the place where you can buy live Monkey brains to eat?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Waitrose

“In Soviet Russia, overpriced food buys YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on Waitrose
A typical worker at Waitrose.
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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Waitrose.

Waitrose was founded in -1774 AD by a Mr Wait...Rose. He originally called it 'Buy Here, Die Here', but after queuing at the checkouts took almost 2 years because of slack-jawed yokels on the tills, it was renamed.

Waitrose is a "Super" market (super used sparingly as generally the shops are just markets with pretty colours on) which sells a variety of items from the cabbage to the satellite-guided laser mini-nuke™. Waitrose workers usually are either slack-jawed yokels, guinea pigs and undead zombie minions.

Waitrose currently hold the record for the longest yokel cow rotisserieRZM in the Wild West, where they have daily shows of zombie cows on a spit.

The current chief boss and chef is called Barack Obama but he likes to be called Jed by his colleagues.


According to the Bible (St Michael's Letters to the Berkshireans, Chapter 14, Verses 9 - 5), Waitrose will start a war to end all wars in 2087 AD with all other supermarket stores, in a bid for world domination of the global live monkey brains sales. This is planned to fail in 2088 AD due to current manager being eaten alive by a live monkey brain. This will cause civil unrest within the undead zombie minion workers and the war will be cancelled.

Waitrose has on numerous occasions tried to out-do the workers at Tesco's with their customer service, but have always failed due to the almighty chav powers they possess. Not even the deadest of the undead zombie minions can stand up to the chav powers.


Waitrose workers can almost always be identified by the following markers: for women, an ill-fitting, vile green print blouse; and for men, a plaster over their eyebrow piercing they were forced to remove due to company policy, sir.


Waitrose is also only found in the south of England, and Berkshire has 14 Waitroses for every head of population in the county. Thus no pikey scum are allowed in. If the door scanners detect you are of a non-Daily-Telegraph-reading, non-Tory-voting, non-"Political Correctness gone mad"-expressing temperament, management reserves the right to kill you.

In 2021 AD they opened their first, last and only store in the The Northern Wilderness, in a place called Creaky Flume near Stockport. This is because it has the largest ghetto of Daily Telegraph readers outside of Berkshire. It is a packet of wealth in an otherwise chav area. The store is regularly firebombed by the local chav population who are barred from entering.

Items Sold at Waitrose[edit]

See also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Waitrose.