Waldir Saenz

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Waldir Saenz
W saenz.jpg
Date of birth 15/5/1652
Status Looking for new bitches
Home Peru
Occupation Phylosopher
Powers Salsa dancing, hairdessing
Weakness Vedettes
“He could even score blindfolded, but that apparently made him blind.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Waldir´s younger years
“I looked up to be like him, but then I grew up.”
~ Some random Alianza fan on Waldir Saenz
“uta chochera con todo el rezpeto q t mereses porq no t regresas a la concha tu mare jajajajaj ”
~ asbraul37 on Waldir´s return to football
“I didn´t do it”
~ Waldir Saenz on robbing the Casa Blanquiazul
“He did it.”
~ Negrillo on Saenz robbing the Casa Blanquiazul
“Yeah, he did it.”
~ The case judge on Saenz robbing the Casa Blanquiazul
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Waldir Saenz.

Waldir Saenz is a peruvian footballer, historical goal scorer, former Mortal Kombat contestant, national hero, past Colorado governor, superhuman salsa dancer and one of the 6548 sons of Wilt Chamberlain. He was born on 15 may of 1973 in Lima, Perú. He plays as a striker for Sport Boys del Callao, in the second division of Peru.

Birth and childhood[edit]

Waldir never knew his father, as he was born in the wilderness and raised by a group of primates in the province known as Chincha. He was raised as one of the pack, learning to survive in the hot and dry Peruvian steppes. As a child he displayed great athletic skills, often comparable to those of his monkey cousins, which caught the attention of a group of scouts, one of them being the legendary ‘Cholo’ Castillo, who were studding the group for a Discovery Channel special. After watching the young Waldir kick a coconut ten kilometres into the sea (which made some of the moneys run after it and drown), Cholo Castillo decided to raise him as his own son and teach him the ways of Peruvian 'fulbo'.

Early years and self-discovery[edit]

Saenz during his extensive training in He-man's Dojo.

The now teenaged Waldir felt grateful to Cholo Castillo and his former girlfriend Paris Hilton for raising him and teaching him to talk and play fulbo, yet he felt a hole in his soul, so he retired to Tibet for some time in a trip of self finding and understanding of his human nature, where he understood that he had to meet his real parents in order to live his live at its fullest. This experience was used as inspiration to Waldir’s first novel ‘Seven weeks in Tibet, what a shit hole’

So a teenager Saenz set out to investigate his origins, travelling to the farthest regions in the world and learning some of the most ancient arts humans ever dared to create. He spend several years training in the ninja dojo of He-man in Ireland, becoming friends with the hero and even copying his look for a short period of time (during which He-man felt really awkward when being around him). After some time, a set of TV was bought in the dojo and installed by Waldir himself who turned it on just to see the real He-man on screen, learning that the man who was actually training him was the smurf Wee-man.

Encounter with his real father[edit]

Giorgio the plant, possibly the mother of Waldir Saenz.

This marked a rupture in Waldir’s life, were in disappointment of the fraud he had been living, he gave in to an endless sea of beer and salsa dancing. He ended up in Los Angeles, where in he reencountered some of his old monkey siblings, including Andres ‘Balan’ Gonzales, Juan ‘Chiquito’ Flores and Morgan ‘El Galgo’ Freeman. They formed the briefly successful rap band ‘Black men can jump’, playing in several Latin festivals and shithole bars around L.A.

In one of his shows he would meet his father Wilt Chamberlain, who would not recognize his parenthood given the fact that he had been involved with several humans, animals and plants in his visit to Peru, nevertheless he later became certain that Waldir was his child, either with the exuberant plant Giorgio or the singer Bartola.

Mortal Kombat Tournament[edit]

Waldir Saenz was invited several times and eventually participated in the tenth edition of the Mortal Kombat tournament, where he finished in the last place but won the ‘Most Charismatic’ Award. His father, Wilt Chamberlain, participated too.

Most people were intimidated by Saenz' appearence during the tournament.

The representatives of Earth were:

Saenz was beated by the contestant Abencia Meza, who tried to anally rape him as a fatality (not allowed on MK)

The Outworld representatives were:

The winner of the tournament was Chuck Norris.

Professional ‘Fulbo’ Career[edit]

In 1987 Saenz returned to Peru and entered the youth squad of Alianza Lima FC. In 1992, Waldir Sáenz was the youngest player in history to be promoted to the first team with only 9 years, and became the best payed footballer of the team, with a record cap of two ‘visitas al troca’ (peruvian currency) per month.

The next year he was the top scorer of the league, scoring 31 goals, an achievement he repeated in 1996 and 2094. He also had an unknown number of bastard childs, breaking the record of 7 in a season (set in 1993 by Paolo Maldonado, who also has the record of most homosexual relationships in a season).

In 1997, Saenz scored his 100th career goal playing for Alianza Lima, although there is only record of 23 goals taking place. Nevertheless, the peruvian authorities gave the benefit of the doubt to Saenz, as he had already made the preparations for his 100th goal party. This would be later known as the ‘Saenz Incident’ which helped utter failures as El Checho Ibarra claim the realisation of an unreal number of goals.

That same year, Saenz won the League Title of 1997 with Alianza Lima, breaking a dry streak of 18 years without titles. After the achievement of the title, Saenz entered a crazy period were he made ilogical and arrogant claims about himself.

Some include:

*’I’ve ben training and now I can score goals with my dick.’
*’I’ve been thinking and I have decided to retire from professional soccer and try out a baseball career as my father dreamed.’
*'All the electrical apliances in my house are powered by my dick.’
*’I want to marry the purest girl in town, so I choose Tula Rodriguez.’
*’The other day I turned around and without noticing knocked three people out with my dick.'

The Colorado incident[edit]

After his great success in Perú, he moved to USA and gained great political fame for his exotic looks and salsa dancing capabilities (which, for some reason, rendered Americans powerless). This gained him a clear win in the 1998 election for Governor of Colorado, running against Patrick Swayze. After some weeks in power, a tipsy Saenz in a demolition truck ran over and killed American heroine Rosa Parks while she was waiting for the bus. This generated the great revolt of 1998, which ended in the creation of the Major League Soccer, killing Saenz’s political aspirations. He then signed for the Colorado Rapids, utterly failing in his return as a footballer.

Back Home[edit]

After being judged and found guilty, Saenz fled from USA and found political asylum in Argentina, were he played in Union de Santa Fe under the name Jorge Caliente. He would eventually return to Perú in 1999, again playing for Alianza Lima.