Wand of Gamelon

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Zelda: Wand of Gamelon
Interactive animated adventure... why the hell can't you just say "video game"?
Developer	Gannon
Release Date	666 A.D.
Genre	Crap
Platforms	Compact Dick-interactive.
Rating	Not appropriate for children who aren't already scarred for life.
Would Fatty Arbuckle play it?	Maybe.

“You dare bring light to my lair? You must DIE!”

~ CD-i Ganon on the necessity of your death

“Only Link can defeat Ganon my ass.”

~ Zelda on defeating Ganon

The Wand of Gamelon was created when Phillips decided to make a sequel to Faces of Evil, as if one weren't bad enough. The Wand of Gamelon suffered from the same problem most sequels faced, there was no crazy old man on a flying carpet who could read scribbles and shout SQUADALA! What really set it apart from the typical sequel was that it wasn't much worse than its predecessor. Admittedly, there wasn't much room for further degradation.

[edit] Story

That must have been one hell of a month...

The game opens with an FMV that explains the story. King Harkinian the Obese has been informed that the evil forces of Lord Ganon the Squiggly are attacking Duke Onkled the Strange-Named. Princess Zelda the Bitchy is very worried and begs him not to go in stereotypical whiny girl fashion that greatly angers feminists. Nurse Impa the crotchety tries to console Princess Zelda the Bitchy, but fails because the console is horribly evil. King Harkinian the Obese randomly wonders aloud what's for dinner, and Link (who has no title in front of his name because he's poor and insignificant and nobody likes him) the Spastic and Much Bitchier interjects that he is so hungry he could eat an Octorok, as if anybody cares. ONE MONTH LATER, Princess Zelda the Bitchy, in a move that will henceforth be referred to as Really Stupid Mistake Number 1, sends Link the Spastic and Much Bitchier to Gamelon to find the King. LATER STILL, Zelda finds out what a really stupid mistake she made, and goes to Gamelon herself with Impa. And thus, the adventure begins. We're all gonna DIE.

[edit] Characters

[edit] Princess Zelda the Bitchy

Zelda is the spoiled brat princess of Hyrule and the heroine of this game. There are rumors that she is actually the seventh sage and the wisest of them all. These rumors have been proven false, as Zelda is a ditz in this game.

You don't mess wit' DA KING! And if you do, you will either wash every floor in Hyrule or DIE.

[edit] King Harkinian the Obese

His name may be King Harkinian the Obese, but everyone just calls him The King, because he's just that badass. Unfortunately, that old Ganon was not no match for the King, so the King DIED. Then Ganon put a clone of the King in his dungeon for Zelda to rescue. After the credits rolled, the clone of the King took control of Hyrule as a puppet dictator and turned it into a Pastafarian Theocracy while Ganon ruled from behind the scenes, until the Hyrulean people revolted and overthrew the government, instituting a communist regime in its place.

[edit] Lord Ganon the Squiggly

He is the villain of the game, who is bizarrely obsessed with people DYING. He didn't get enough love as a child, possibly because is a freak who creeped out his parents. For some reason, no one can ever kill him, they just seal him away somewhere and he comes back for the sequels.

[edit] Link the Spastic and Much Bitchier

Heeheehee...

He is known for trying to kill Ganon in the first game and failing miserably. (see above) Link is a pervert, who is constantly trying to kiss Zelda, buy hookers with canteens, and get trapped in some girl's mirror so she will undress in front of him. Of course, because he is Spastic and Much Bitchier, Zelda never wants to kiss him and he gets himself trapped in a looking mirror, not a full-body one that people undress in front of. He is also obsessed with with eating Octoroks and bombing Dodongos.

[edit] Setting

The game takes place in Gamelon, which was named after its founder, Gamelon, an obscure relative of Malon and Talon. It is ruled by Duke Onkled the Strange Named, who is not a relative of Gamelon. For some reason, Ganon is trying to take it over, even though it doesn't have the Triforce or any other random divine artifacts.

[edit] Plot Synopsis

WARNING: playing Wand of Gamelon may cause depression, severe constipation, and random episodes of maniacal, psychotic laughter that looks strangely like incest.

After she gets to Gamelon, Zelda fights her way through horrible, evil monsters and creepy shopkeepers who want her rubies. She is hampered by many obstacles, such as rough terrain and crappy, unresponsive controls. Due to this, she will DIE a lot. Eventually, she obtains the titular Wand of Gamelon. She then goes to Ganon's lair, and brings light to it. Ganon is pissed, and decides Zelda must DIE. Zelda then uses the Wand of Gamelon to pwn Ganon's ass in one hit, making him quite possibly the weakest boss in the history of crappy video games. Zelda then rescues her father. After reducing the sentence for treason from death to community service, the King decides to have a feast of lotsa spaghetti, then he and Zelda laugh like psychos. It would have been a happy ending, but Zelda accidentally broke a mirror, releasing seven years of bad luck. Then everybody DIES and no more sequels are released. The end.

[edit] Development

A ROM hack making Link somewhat cool.

Contrary to popular belief, the developers of this "game" were not on crack when they made this "game". They were, in fact, drunk. As a result of this, the only way to enjoy this "game" while actually playing it is to play it while drunk. Playing it while on crack will not produce the same result. It is believed that playing this "game" is the only way not to be high while on crack. So you just end up DYING without getting high. Nice job, idiot.

[edit] Gameplay

Players play as Zelda for the first time in this game. As it turns out, Link is too much of a dumbass to beat it.

[edit] Reception

No one liked it.^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]} What more do you need to know?

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wand of Gamelon.