Penis
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“My one has a mind of its own.”
The penis is the primary functioning organ of a male human being, with the brain coming in a close second and the heart in a disappointing third. Penises, or penii, come in many shapes and sizes, all of which are useless to a man unless they are one specific shape and size.
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[edit] History
The origin of the penis is disputed. The Lithuanians like to claim that it is named after the President of Lithuania Sukis Penis, a depressed emo who in 1832 was believed to have invented the penis as a form of population control, as in those days people reproduced asexually. Since it was during the Industrial Revolution that it was released to the general public, it soon got mass produced, and man was so dependent on it that asexual reproduction all but ceased. But the Brits like to claim it originated from the Pennines town of Penistone in South Yorkshire, although the reason for that is unknown. The golden rule regarding penises is if "she" says it's too small, chances are, her vagina is just too large and floppy.
[edit] The foreskin
The foreskin is a colorful piece of skin that makes the penis look like the tip of an elephants trunk. It gives off a pleasing aroma, and produces its own cheese which is sold in stores as ricotta cheese. The foreskin is known to taste much like chocolate chip cookies. Jewish people have no foreskin. Many times in Jews the foreskin is often sewn back on the body (usually near the chest or rectum) as a secret pouch to hold the ever elusive Jew gold
[edit] Circumcision
As a way of welcoming male Jewish babies into the world, circumcision was invented. This process involves removing the foreskin. This greatly pleases God. It is a piece of skin that is removed also by many other people at child birth so they cannot masturbate without lube (illegal in Israel) and has been proven to increase the chance of finding magic items by 30%.
[edit] Size
After many hours of careful, meticulous research of pornographic films, it has been shown that there is not a penis in existence under 6 inches. The size of the human penis depends much on the gender. Females often have bigger penises than men, but this is yet to be proven. But as a general rule of penis, Collins, and all people similarly named penis
Due to the great amount of penis females had when the world was born, God gave most of it to a new creation, man. A warning to many, though. If the size of a penis is scanned, it will asplode, creating utter chaos and disabling the ability to edit Uncyclopedia.
[edit] As an exclamation
"Penis" can be used as a "sentence enhancer" to express any extreme. Some examples are: Wow! That head shot was penile! or looking down your pants and realizing you have nothing there (given that you used to be a man), exclaiming Holy Penis! I have no penis!!! Or the classic "This show would be so much better with penis + Anoos"
The language "Donglish" consists entirely of saying "penis", and when translated to English, it is always "PENIS!" In some societies it is customary to ring a cowbell whenever someone speaks dongish.
[edit] Penises and conditions affecting the penis
There are a number of conditions affecting the penis. This number is three.
In the Andes, people with the height of over 5"3 have all been affected with a disease that extends their foreskin to three times their penis length. Also another side effect include sudden craving for carrots.
Zombie Crotch Rot is one affliction that occurs when you have sex with zombies. Most common symptoms are leprosy of the genitals, un-circumcised penile automatic circumcision (Yes, that's the technical term.), and acidic semen. Symptoms have been found in most horny D&D players, and amongst sex-crazed tech jockeys.
[edit] Unusual regular rare common swelling of the penis
- If this frequency of occurrence is proportional to the number of
- hot chicks in the room then the patient is referred to as heterosexual or straight.
- hot men in the room then the patient is referred to as gay or homosexual.
- male children in the room then the patient is referred to as Michael Jackson (also see Catholic Priest).
- female children in the room then the patient is referred to as Gary Glitter.
- men and hot chicks in the room then the patient is referred to as bisexual.
- If there's a Disney cartoon playing in the room (or a live animal in some cases), then the patient is referred to as a furry.
- If there's nothing in the room, then the patient is referred to as plain lonely or...
- It's on fire!!!!
- If something white comes out, the best way is to drink it or put it into someone's drink.
- If you or someone in the room has been touched by Jesus ( if so, call 911 immediately!)
- Porno's involving being gang raped by midgets,Unicorns, Pixies, Bar wrenches, and massive usage of J-pop.(15% of white population only)
[edit] The anti-erection
This occurs when, under normal circumstances, a man would find his blood drained from the brain in favour of the [penile route: instead the penile route is drained in favour of the brain. For a short period of time, sufferers of an anti-erection become incredibly smart but at the cost of his penis shrinking, and eventually being sucked right up within the abdominal cavity (spaghetti-slurp). At this point, he can be officially classified a woman as he meets three of the most important criteria:
- No-penis
- Clarity of thought
- Regular non-lethal bleeding
- The growing or caking of the genitalia that resembles yeast and other baked goods
After a few minutes in this state however, the man realised the pointlessness of being horny and no longer becomes so. Hence the blood is redirected to the penis and he becomes horny (provided the stimulus is still present) and therefore unintelligent. Luckily, sufferers of this condition are rarely able to reproduce. There are reports of cases where the intelligent male has been able to self-fertilise, but this action is against the will of nature, God and the Law, and simply results in Steve Balmer Fucking Killing™ both parent and offspring. Another way of inducing this is the sight of Margaret Thatcher.
[edit] Words for..eh...em...Penis!
Now that we have your attention, here's a few words for the penis...
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Some people prefer the personalised approach and invent a pet name for their penis. Less imaginative people source names for their penis from a penis name generator.
[edit] See also
- Software
- Penis jousting
- Masturbate
- Public
- Problems
- Penis Mightier
- Penis penis Penis penis penis penis Penis penis
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