WARNING: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
The following data, up until now has been heavily guarded information, and revealing it will probably get us in trouble. So don’t take this information lightly.
The pretty town of Wank nestles peacefully in the valley of Tits, near the beautiful and viscous River Spunk on the charming spice island of Fukkme Fukkme, which is so good they named it twice. Millions of people cum to see Wank, which has the largest gyratory masturbatory motorway system in the known universe, as well as hundreds of buildings and monuments that constitute enormous erections.
Wank is also famous for inspiring the rudest, dirtiest, sauciest, smuttiest, naughtiest, and most obscene article ever written on Uncyclopedia, or pretty damn close. And you’re reading it right now. How does that feel? Is that exciting? Does it turn you on?
The history of Wank
The town was founded in 1723 by a lusty seaman called Hans Shandy, though he did not give it the unusual name it now enjoys. Seeing a clump of houses and shacks near the River Spunk, and noting that they bore a strange resemblance to a heap of nude female bodies, Shandy was reminded of an orgy he had attended two years before, when he had reached orgasm 125 times with 37 writhing naked women. He had also instigated 260 orgasms in the delighted women before they had nymphomaniacally drained him of sperm. So he called the little town Gangbang in honour of that sweet memory.
The good people of Gangbang lived happily for a while, until it came to the attention of a dim but apparently prudish washerwoman, Wendy Bighand, that the town had an extremely rude name. She had been oblivious of this fact until she had cum across a definition of the phrase “gang bang” in a dick-tionary. Not liking what she was reading one little bit, Bighand (37-28-48, with gorgeous melon-like tits you could get lost in forever, a huge red clit, and a thumping great ass) ripped off all her clothes and ran into the street, shouting “Do you know what Gangbang means?”
Here is a picture of her:
A lot of people did
Many men knew exactly what it meant and took it as an invitation, and Bighand was immediately surrounded by a huge crowd of newspaper vendors, photographers, boot-blackers, barmen, postmen, highwaymen, and travelling salesmen, who all got their erect dicks out and took turns to insert them in her various orifices, including her mouth, anus, and ears. Though she refused to admit it, she really enjoyed it and pleaded with the men to continue for more than four hours. She pleaded very loudly, because she had a dozen cocks in her ears and couldn’t hear anything. Everybody was shagged out afterwards.
More than 680 small boys brought large picnics so they could hide in trees and bushes and watch the whole scene, the like of which they had never seen before. Amateur oil paintings of the Gangbang landscape on that day show most leaves and branches quivering as the little boys relieved their aching cocks while they watched the sex. More than 56,000 litres of creamy young sperm showered the town, staining walls and people and causing a right old stink.
The people’s campaign
There were cuntless complaints from people about the scene they had spent hours witnessing in great detail, with binoculars and towels to hand. One observer, Fanny Juice, noted that the incident had been inspired by the name of the town, Gangbang, and started a petition to change it. She proposed a series of alternative names that sounded delightful and innocuous to her unworldly ears (which had never had a cock in them), including Ballsuck and Titphuck. But she also allowed people to suggest their own names.
And so it was that 680 small boys, whose sleep would now be disturbed forever more by visions of Wendy Bighand and her penile assailants, asked the town to be called Wank in honour of the unforgettable Gangbang gang bang. The boys ended up outnumbering the people who wanted the town’s name changed to Chicago, Tunbridge Wells, or Crawley. And so Wank it became, and has remained ever since.
The annual Wank Festival
Every year, Wank holds a mass debate followed by an enormous party, where the lights are extinguished while all the men get their cocks out and start wanking. Women are also encouraged to ferret around in their nether parts and groan a bit, so they don’t feel left out. The first time the party was held, in 1735, all the lights went on after five minutes to reveal that Hans Shandy, who was now President of Wank, was the only person wanking. He had been tricked by all the other people! The shock made him cum profusely.
Holidays in Wank
What happened to Wendy?
The delectable Wendy Bighand, who was named after a well-known Michael Jackson joke, lived to a ripe old age and made cuntless men very happy. Her catchphrase was "Go on, get those trousers down, big boy!" You can scroll up and look at her picture again if you like. Oohhh yes.