War Against Secularism

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O'Reilly and Limbaugh command an amphibious landing on Santa Monica Beach.

The bloodiest conflict in human history, The War Against Secularism began in October of 1997 with Bill O'Reilly's rise to power over the newly-christened United States of Jebus, and ended with O'Reilly's trampling death under the heels of a crowd of teenage lesbians in July of 2005. At stake in this war were America's core Judeo-Christian values and traditions, such as claustrophobic sexual repression, and always allowing The 700 Club the last word on scientific matters.

Prelude to War[edit]

Post-Simpson-Trial America was a charged environment. Many historians cite Britney Spears's bare midriff as a key factor in dividing the nation, while others point to Jim Carrey's blasphemous act of talking with his anus in both Ace Ventura films.

Outbreak: The Lesbians of October[edit]

A scene from Slutty Sisters 7, the very first lesbian porn film aired on American television.

For the first time in history, a lesbian sex act was shown on cable television on October 14, 1997. In the global panic that ensued, the entire American airspace was shut down, as well as all power grids in the industrialized world. Freeways in and out of major cities became congested with fleeing refugees. Cannibalism became commonplace.

Attack of the Coreys[edit]

That same week saw a second blow to American moral values by the Michael Shermer led secularist movement: a researcher at MIT announced the creation of a batch of human clones. Specifically, these were clones of Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, two actors who had dominated both the box office and the Academy Awards for much of the eighties. Scientists assured the public that these clones would only be used for medical testing, and would not be allowed to escape and take over Hollywood. But fears remained. "Do not underestimate the star power of these Coreys, even in clone form," urged Ted Nugent, head of the Christian Coalition. "Those two boys are so fucking hot."

But even using the Coreys for disease research worried most conservatives. "I don't want these scientist types meddling around, curing some disease that neither I nor any of my relatives currently have," said Pope Shasta McNasty XVII, "and I haven't thought the matter out any further than that, thanks to this stupid fucking hat that minimizes the blood flow to my brain." Three billion people instantly agreed with the Holy Father, but secularist researchers plunged ahead with their reckless work anyway.

O'Reilly and Limbaugh: A Pact Between Gods[edit]

William O'Reilly, Sr., circa 1939. All four of his wives left him for other women. His son never got over it.

America needed a father figure. It got two. Bill O'Reilly, a paragon of integrity and honor, who had never sexually harassed a subordinate, and specifically had never told one he wanted to stand behind her in the shower and fiddle with her pussy, overthrew the inept American President in a mostly bloodless coup in late October.

At the same time, Rush Limbaugh, a former decathlete who had risen to fame by winning seventeen gold medals in the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles, seized control of all American radio and television airwaves. In what later came to be known as The Tuesday Massacre, Limbaugh beheaded Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and CNN's Candy Crowley on live television.

The Trenches[edit]

Fox News Anchor Shepherd Smith is killed by an atomic blast while spying on a lesbian army camp in the desert.

The fighting between the divided halves of America quickly became a nightmare of trench warfare. Among the millions killed in the conflict were pastor Ellen Degeneres, gay porn producer Pat Robertson, and anal penetration queen Nancy Pelosi.

On the lesbian sex battlefront, conservatives won a decisive victory with the passage of the McCain-Seagal Bill to stop internet porn. The bill was lobbied for by millions of mothers who couldn't be troubled to keep an eye on their own kids, and decided to make things easier on themselves by outlawing pornography for the entire country. With the passage of McCain-Seagal, all pornography on the internet disappeared instantly and was never seen again.

Meanwhile, on the battlefront against science, O'Reilly and Limbaugh were called hypocrites for using many creations of science in the very process of attacking science. Such creations included satellites, the rockets used to launch those satellites, television cameras, broadcast antennas, computers, microphones, lights, and electricity, among many, many other things.

O'Reilly brilliantly defeated this argument by pointing out that all of those inventions had already existed by the time he was middle-aged, which made them okay. "I don't have a problem with old science, like back when they used cowpox to defeat smallpox, which was risky as hell but saved a billion lives," O'Reilly told a hot female reporter for the L.A. Times. "My beef is with anything new, like this stem cell bullshit. Essentially I'm dividing all of scientific history into old and new based on an arbitrary point in my own life, and I don't grasp the massive fucking error in that logic." O'Reilly then grasped the reporter's hot little ass.

The End of the Nightmare[edit]


In addition to O'Reilly's death, several factors contributed to the end of the war. Chief among these was the North American release of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Its scenes of graphic sex between men and women, the way God intended it to be, became a guiding beacon for Americans, as well as the rest of the world. Homosexuality was soon abandoned by everyone on Earth, and as a result, all crime, poverty, and disease ceased to exist. And with the end of disease came the end of the battle between risky medical science and proven, dependable religion.

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