IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER! DO NOT BLINDLY THROW AWAY BEFORE READING!
Thank you for purchasing a free copy of Uncyclopedia to read in your web browser, courtesy of Uncyclopedia Inc.! We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it. To guarantee your complete satisfaction with our product, we have included a 1-year limited warranty, which covers your copy starting at the moment you loaded it in your tab. Read below for the full terms and conditions prior to using this product.
For the purposes of clarifying further sections in this document, our lawyers have conveniently decided to define the following terms. They could have been happy English majors employed to work on a reputable dictionary, but they instead had to fall back on a law career and can now only enjoy offering shorthand to making reading legalese a bit easier for lesser humans. Please take the time to read this section if you want any hope of understanding the rest, assuming you can remember all of this.
- "Agreement" - This agreement. Hope that clears up any confusion before we proceed further.
- "Limited Warranty Period" - The time span during which this Agreement is effective.
- "You" - Take a wild guess. If you have multiple personality disorder, this Agreement applies equally to you, you, you, and you.
- "Product" - The Uncyclopedia website, and all the hilarious articles it contains.
- "Reseller" - Your ISP, whether it be Comcast or your neighbor's unsecured WiFi router.
- "The Company" - Uncyclopedia Inc. and everyone who contributes to it.
Product Limited Warranty
The Company warrants that its Product will be free from defects in materials and worksmanship for the Limited Warranty Period. During the Limited Warranty Period, the Company, if it feels like it, may (i) provide replacement articles to fill in for shitty ones, (ii) provide replacement words within articles at any given time regardless of any difference in quality or Your personal opinion, (iii) repair faulty editors or offer a suitable replacement at no charge to You, or (iv) provide a full refund of $0.00 USD to You for the Product, without any appreciation, upon Your returning all bytes in their original packaging back to the Company's servers in like-new quality.
Any replacements will be shipped to You via the Internet in "like-new" or serviceably-used condition, provided Your complaints are repeatedly sent to the appropriate admin's talk page within the remainder of the Limited Warranty Period.
The Company will make every effort during the Limited Warranty Period to provide You with free technical support, should You experience any difficulties using our Product. After the Limited Warranty Period, you're screwed. Please note that if You choose to contact the Company by telephone, we may put Your call on hold indefinitely before transferring You to India. You will be fully responsible for paying any and all exorbitant long-distance and international call fees after our call center technician babbles incoherently at You in Hindi for half an hour.
Limitations and Exclusions
THIS IS THE SECTION OUR LAWYERS TELL US TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS. THEY THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE DOZED OFF AT THIS POINT AND NEED TO BE WOKEN UP, IN CASE YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. SO PAY ATTENTION, DAMMIT!
THIS AGREEMENT DOES NOT COVER THE FOLLOWING:
- DAMAGES CAUSED BY MISUSE, ABUSE, INTENTIONAL DAMAGE, ACCIDENTS, WILDFIRES, THEFT, DISAPPEARANCE, REAPPEARANCE, DIMENSIONAL SHIFTS, MALWARE, ADWARE, SPYWARE, FREEWARE, WINDOWS, ACTS OF GOD, ACTS OF SATAN, NEGLIGENCE, IDIOCY, OR ANYTHING WE PLEASE;
- DAMAGES CAUSED BY SERVICING THE PRODUCT ON YOUR OWN, LIKE IT WAS A WIKI OR SOMETHING;
- DAMAGES CAUSED BY USING THE PRODUCT IN HILARIOUSLY UNINTENDED WAYS;
- DAMAGES CAUSED BY UPLOADING MATERIAL YOU WERE TOO LAZY TO CREATE;
- DAMAGES CAUSED BY READING THE MATERIAL CONTAINED IN THIS PRODUCT;
- NORMAL (AB)USE OF THE PRODUCT OR THE POWERS IT PROVIDES YOU;
- AND ANYTHING WE CAN USE OR MAKE UP AS A LOOPHOLE TO AVOID GIVING YOU YOUR PROMISED REFUND OF $0.00 USD IF YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.
ANY WARRANTY APPLICABLE TO LINKED 3RD-PARTY SITES IS NOT OUR PROBLEM.
The Company strongly recommends You register Your copy of the Product within 30 days at uncyclopedia.wikia.com. Registration may require proof of purchase at the time You complete it; this can be done by finding the hidden UPC code on this page and uploading it as a new image. If You can't find it, Your copy of Uncyclopedia may not be genuine. Registration allows the Company to retain records of Your username, email address, physical address, phone number, date of birth, favorite color, all of Your pets' names (alive or dead), and Your complete DNA sequence. This is just the basic information the company requires to personalize and enhance Your browsing experience. Plus, register within the next 10 minutes and the Company will ship You a free Oscar Wilde collectible plushie - just pay ten easy payments of $666 for shipping and handling!
You further agree, in using our Product and accepting the terms of this Limited Warranty Agreement, that You will resolve any disputes with the Company through arbitration. This requires that You give up Your right to sue our pants off in a jury trial, and instead have Your complaints resolved by an arbitrator of our choosing. By accepting this Agreement, You agree to give up Your constitutional right to a jury trial or trial by judge in a court of law, and possibly several other rights You don't even know You have. You will be completely and solely responsible for paying any and all arbitrator fees, especially the arbitrary ones and the Company's own legal fees.
How to Contact the Company
In the unlikely event that You wish to contact the Company to inquire about this Agreement or seek additional customer service, You may state your concerns on a 3"x5" card sent to:
- Uncyclopedia Inc.
- Customer Liaison Department
- 20 Madison Avenue, 19th Floor, Suite 1909, Lockbox U, Processing Code: STFU
- New York, New York 10020-9998