Wegal Van Schnootinbug
Wegal Van Schnootinbug was born in 269,966,652,987 B.C. to his mother, Francesca the pig and his father, Billy Goat Gruff. He ended up rather funny looking, with goat legs and a piggish upper torso. His arms were those of a pig, but the transition reversed again, leaving him with a goat's head. As a young toddler he sprouted a beard, a brilliant red beard that, while strange, suited his odd appearance. He tended to eat only vegetables, which was also a strange trait, for his parents weren't picky and even tended at times to eat metal cans.
These slight disorders did not hinder him though. As a child, Wegal was not like other children. His first sentence was "Bad Wal-Mart". Since Wal-Mart wasn't even a word, his parents became bewildered at his youthful insight. He was 2. Later, in his teenage years, Wegal fell in love with a girl about half his age. Though it was concensual, in 1 A.D. he was arrested for statutory rape. At 269,966,652,986 his career was very likely ruined. However, under the argument that the girl had consented, and that she had been 129,692,343,135, he was released from prison.
In 5 A.D., in the prime of his young life, Wegal decided he wanted open a store. Luckily though he was passing through America and ran (literally) into the Morrigan who was (luckily) searching for a CEO for her American Wegmans store. Wegal agreed happily, and the store flourished under his management.
After several years at Wegmans, Wegal felt the need for employees with a higher intelligence then that which he had. So he started experimenting with eggs and sperm, combining them in ways that weren't natural. Most experiments failed, but finally he made a strange creation, and named him Adam. Strange (and impossible) as it seemed, Adam was "with child". After putting up with him for 9 months Wegal was ready to kill him, but he had a fully-grown child, named Eve. After time (and some nasty naughties) Adam and Eve had two sons any parent would be proud of. Bob was a crossdresser who later became heavily involved with a demon from the ninth circle of Hell, also known as Hitler. Fred meanwhile was a pimp. He had a good business going, though Wegal hired both boys as the first cashiers of Wegmans. Yay them.
“Ah shit, I lost The Game.”