Welsh
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“What?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Welsh
The type of people having characteristics making them look like a well, the name Welsh is derived from 'Wellish,' because people are lazy and like using as few letters as possible, making their language looking like if a computer's on the blink and keeps typing loads of y, w, l, g, and f. If it continues on as such, will be known as 'Wlsh' within 45 years. [1]
The Welsh are widely believed to be the most beautiful and intelligent people on Earth. Don't you wish you were Welsh? I know you do. Don't lie to me.
Contents |
[edit] Welsh Food
All Welsh cannot cook. Rather brilliantly whenever a recipe goes wrong they simply rename it and claim it as a local delicacy.
Some examples:
- They cannot make Fruit Loaf so they call it Bara Brith.
- They cannot make Scones so call them Welsh Cakes instead.
- They cannot make Broth so they call it Cawl.
- They cannot even make Cheese on Toast, but instead add beer (they are all alcoholics) and call it Welsh Rarebit.
Because every Welsh person smokes, they cannot taste anything so are immune to their own cooking. [2]
[edit] Welsh Colonialism
Anybody who watches Dirty Sanchez (The Welsh Equivalent of "Prime Minister's Question Time") will see why the Welsh are not the dominating force in world politics - they are too busy throwing cacti at each other and running themselves over to actually care about the depths of world politics. Or at least that's what the English thought until academic studies showed that as a result of their constant drunken randiness the Welsh were out-breeding the English and by 2050 nine out of ten people in Britain would be Welsh. So as to avoid becoming a minority on an island filled with beer-drinking rugby-playing hordes the English decided to lower the Welsh birth-rate by teaching them how be English, which mainly involved singing properly and playing football.
However, the English quickly realised that when properly educated Welsh people are inherrently better than them at everything, ever. For example, Tom Jones has the singing power of ten-thousand Englishmen and Ryan Giggs is clearly the greatest British football player in the history of Britain. Realising that England was rapidly being outclassed the then British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher reversed the effects of education on the Welsh by personally grinding every last piece of industry in Wales into the ground and then giving the unemployed Welshmen unlimited supplies of lager.
[edit] Welsh Power
The Welsh have a strange power over cheese. They can shoot laser beams from their eyes, juggle Nebraska, ride the EU, blow out the sun and beat the Grim Reaper in a staring contest. The welsh also have sheep-controling powers which they use to ride sheep, use sheep as foot-rests and to wrangle, then rape, the sheep. It has also been widely specualted they may use sheep to take over the United Kingdom sometime after the leek harvest. If a Welshman were heated in a broken microwave oven in cardiff to exactly 300. 1 degrees C, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
[edit] Welsh Language
The Welsh language is a very unique item. It has an odd way of being entirely incomprehensible not only when written, but also when spoken. For example, "Dwynedd ab origach fwylled, look you". As you can see, Wayne Rooney is clearly Welsh.
Funky language isn't it? But it reminds me abit of the vowel-free consonant based language the Polacks speak.
[edit] Welshisms
Wales is known for it's many Welshism's, such as - "Who's coat is that jacket?" and "see those two houses over there? Mine's the one in the middle", "Ill do it in a minute now". It is not known if these ism's were made to confuse the English or if an Irish man has infiltrated the Welsh way of speaking somehow. Another Welsh way of speaking is to add an S on the end of words, for example, "I loves you" or "I knows that". Also, the adding of like to the ending of a sentence is very common, for example, "I like you, like." Also some welsh people add the word now on the end of the sentace like "listen now"
[edit] Welsh People
Little is known about the Welsh. We know they smell like roses, they live in giant fish that can't breath under water, they have their own strange fast-paced language that they call "LLyddpwdlldddddddddddddd" and that they have an odd ability to telepathically communicate with Chinese people. It is highly possible that the Welsh seek to dominate the world with the Chinese or simply buy their lamas from Tibet. Many confuse the Welsh language with an outrageous idea called "Cymraeg" (pronounced cum-rag), which actually is spoken in Liverpool due to the amount of spitting.
One iconic welsh figure in welsh mythology is tim grubb, an ex-sas south walian lunatic. After leaving the sas he wanted to continue to inflict pain on young men from north wales and by punishing an illegal imigrant called pop. Tim did not speek welsh nor english, instead he had his own uniqe quotes such as: "yeeeeeeer now ye little cunt" "if you fuck me around boys, i'll fuck you around all night" a disturbing thing for a 40 year old man to say to young boys as he still runs around in small shorts. Tim denies being a pedo and insists that he is training for a marathon, but i still have'nt seen him run one marathon. One of the many names the local welsh call this mythical beast is "danadd cachu" (or shit teeth in england speek).
These beings are otherwise unknown to us and may be more dangerous than we give them credit for - just think about it, all those rugby players in one country? They must be training for something. Evidence has been found that suggests Wales has a much smaller population than is supposed - the Welsh just move around a lot making it difficult to count them.
The leaders of this strange race, Tom Jones and Charlotte Church, have made the people of the world trust them by hypnotising them with their singing, so they have the opportunity to broadcast their voices all over the world: when the Welsh hear this signal they will spring into action and capture all those who were listening and make them do their bidding and force them to speak Welsh. They will capture world leaders and force the few that weren't listening to go into hiding.
Evidence suggests that the Welsh originated with the men who were exiled from Lancashire between 1956 and 1997, for refusing to smoke. The earliest fossilised remains of a Welsh man were found in the Brymbo Valley by archeologists in 1982. Carbon dating estimates that "Brymbo man" lived between 1960 and 1981.
An early Welshman of note was John Wheel moral philosopher and a pioneering mathmatician.
[edit] People who actually HAVEN'T laughed at Welsh, its fundamentals and the whole point of its existence
- Charlotte (Banned from a) Church
- Barry (banned from England) Ferguson
- Colonel Sanders
- Wesley Snipes
- 50 Cent
- Bangladeshans
- King Welsh LXIVI
- Tom
- Sheep
- None of the above
- Scotland and Ireland (Too busy hating England)
- Anyone with the surname Jones, Davies, Gethin, Thomas or Williams*
- Lord Gywnyterthygarthupilyhmanopwty
- Shaun the Sheep
- That sheep off wallace and grommit
- Baa Baa Sheep of ethnic minority
- Sheepman
- Sheeposaurus
- People who actually know bugger all about Wales. IE most of the world.
[edit] People who don't love the Welsh in equal measure
- That guy
- Jealous Englishmen
- Abraham Simpson chased all the Welsh (and Irish) out of Springfield.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Consequently, the Welsh are able to still provide a pronunciation for this spelling.
- ↑ When visiting Wales, bring enough of your own food for the entire journey.
[edit] See also
- UnNews:Welsh vodka advert complaints rejected
- 1963 Sheepo Cover Up Act
- Wales
- Cwmbrân
- Welsh Expansionalist Movement
- My visit with Aunt Myfanwy
- Welsh language
- Swansea
- Cardiff
- Britons
- Slate industry in Wales
Barmy British Stuff 
