Wembley stadium

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Wembley Stadium (affectionately known as Wembley or White Elephant) is England's national football stadium located in Wembley, London. The current stadium, complete with the world's largest and most pointless scaffolding loop, opened in 2007 after the much-loved original stadium was destroyed by terrorists from The FA in 2000.

The new Wembley is widely cited as a fine example of British engineering efficiency, having being built several years late and hugely over-budget by an Australian company.

The Old Wembley[edit]

In 1920 King George V (who popularised the 'V' sign) commissioned the building of a new castle in London, with a large garden as a centre-piece. This was intended to replace Buckingham Palace, which had curtains that did not meet with the King's taste. The King asked for two towers, in the shape of a woman's erect nipples, to form his living quarters. However, one day George returned from a hard day's peasant taunting to find his wife (known to friends simply as Queen consort of the United Kingdom and the British Dominions) had purchased some new curtains which he quite agreed with, so he stayed in Buckingham Palace after all.

Construction workers, upon hearing that the King no longer required the Palace, broke into a spontaneous game of football on the lawn garden, thus inventing the game. The large crowd that had gathered for the formal opening of the venue enjoyed the spectacle. As there were more people watching the game than knew how to play cricket, football became the national game and Wembley the home of football.

Whats that old chap? How out of all this ruddy marvelous show of spirit did Wembley get its name? If one is to be kind as to forgive my frightfully lamentable attempt to segue this vital component of the story into the opening act, allow me to spill the beans, if you will. The chap who scored the winning penalty was one William Embley, a crystal maker from the Isle of Dogs. The ruddy clever chaps at the game combined his first initial and surname to get Wembley. And, as you may have guessed you bright young thing, they also formed Crystal Palace Football Club at the same time. Jolly good show!

1966 and all that[edit]

As the working classes multiplied exponentially after the Second World War, football became increasingly popular. Wembley became a site of mass pilgrimage for the great unwashed as they gathered together to watch the national team, Engerrrrland. The highlight of Wembley's 80 years of existence was hosting the 1966 World Cup Final. To mark the occasion, Queen Elizabeth II was allowed to officiate as linesman as England beat Germany 4-2 after 21 years of extra time.

“Some people are on the pitch! Oh God Lord, its the Germans - they're invading. God Save the Queen”

~ BBC Commentator's infamous words on England winning the World Cup at Wembley

Attack on The Twin Towers[edit]

Wembley was destroyed by an unprovoked attack by a large group of men in suits, later identified as the Football Association (FA) in 200. The FA demanded more money by increasing corporate seats, much to the horror of football fans across the country. England began a twenty year period of mourning and introspective self-loathing that continues to this day.

While the stadium was rebuilt, the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales became the home of English football.

A New Wembley for a New Britain[edit]

The British Government promised to act quickly to prevent English citizens from having to set foot in Wales. They promised a new lifeless, sole-crushing, bland stadium would be built within months using money raised through Blue Peter bottle-top collections. The new stadium would not include twin towers as a mark of respect to the British Empire - instead a large bent bit of bent metal was erected as an homage to the diverse nature of 21st Century Britain.

Grand Opening[edit]

The new Wembley was opened in 2007 by Scottish Prime Minister of Britain Gordon Brown. The stadium soon set the World Record for Most Prawn Sandwiches Eaten in a Confined Space, narrowly beating the recently opened Emirates Stadium down the road. The stadium was heralded the world over as a triumph, not least by the England national team coach Steve McClaren who was delighted his demands for a "sub-standard minefield of a pitch not worthy of a Sunday League game" had been implemented perfectly, giving him a great excuse when Engerrrland crashed out of qualifying for the Euro 2008 tournament. Since then the venue has hosted several events of global importance broadcast live to millions of people around the world, including two Girls Aloud concerts, the annual national caravan convention and two stray cats having sex in the centre circle.

The Future[edit]

As grass cannot grow on the pitch, Wembley will cease to operate as a football stadium from 2011, shortly after it hosts the biggest cash cow club game in world football, the Champions League final. Wembley will, however, play a key role in the London 2012 Olympics as a rubbish dump and hang-out for drug-taking athletes. Future plans for the stadium include the site being used as a swamp home for London's growing hippo community and several suicide attempts off the prominent metal arch that can be seen from half of London.