Werewolf
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Good with a light garnish.”
~ Chuck Norris on eating Werewolves
“Yah, 'zese guys, like, really suck. In a bad vay.”
~ Vampires on Werewolves
“Sit boy! Sit!”
~ A recently deceased individual on werewolves
“Even a man who is good at heart and says his prayers by night may become a werewolf when the wolfbane blooms at any time between August and November, as long as it is not too warm, the democrats are in power, there is a water shortage in Ipswich, and the moon is full and bright”
~ Old folk poem known Universally
“Sure, sure.Virgos are freaky.”
~ Jacob Black on everything
In mythology, a werewolf is a human who becomes a wolf-like creature under the light of the full moon. They are more popular than vampires because of the difficulty many fourteen year old goths have in growing beards. Slurring of the phrase 'aware wolf', the term warewolf was derived from phrases found on 17th century wolf-crossing signs.
A photo of a genuine Werewolf![[1]]
Contents |
[edit] The legend
- In the 10th century, mankind had its first encounter with the modern "werewolf", who, actually, was not any kind of wolf at all. An extremely hairy man, Rufus Were, had to travel as a hermit because of his overactive folacle disorder that made the rest of his tribe fear and resent him. So one day, he became extremely hungry. Finding no game or wild berries in the area, he sought out a child from his former tribe. After capturing the defenseless child, he ate her. He would have gotten away with it too, except for the chief happened to be taking a walk through the woods and he saw the child being eaten. He warned the tribe members to take special caution around the beast. But one young Indian, Falling Rock, fell in love with Rufus Were. They got married, even though she was shunned forever after wards. They had children, and the children, too, were hairy. Except for they had an undying thirst for human flesh, so they ate them, as did all their descendants after them. After that, there were a lot of family disputes, and Rufus and Falling Rock got divorced.
- And that is the legend of the werewolves. The were wolfs are believed top be a secret project from the USA government under the pretext "we are chosen by Jesus to create weapons in this case big fluffy animals that will tear you up apart then crap on you then eat you up again. Iran would never know what hit em...
[edit] Description
Werewolves usually just look like regular people, which makes it very difficult for one to find/kill them. Only once a month, on the full moon, do werewolves resort to their true tortured form. Then they ravage about, killing and eating. If you happen to see an incredibly hairy human-like figure storming across your yard at night, do not throw something at it. Just try to find where your dad keeps the silver bullets.
[edit] Werewolves and Love
Werewolves are usually incapable of love due to their lack of having a soul, but sometimes a rare male werewolf will take a liking to a human female. The results are usually quite disturbing in more ways than one,(Bum-Bum factor), and the werewolf usually kills themselves afterward due to their shame.(i.e.- The Hawthorne Heights song "Silver Bullet" is actually a song about the lengths the lead singer, who is an extremely rare emo werewolf, would go to prove just how sorry he was for nailing Oprah in her human form.)
[edit] Females
- see main article: Wherewolf
Wherewolfs (or Whorewolves) tend to be girls (already a rather dangerous creature) rather than guys. This is because they always get pretty angry during their time in the month. Female whorewolves don't really shapeshift (well, they do in that they don't wear make-up, their nails are broken and their hair is a mess), they just go crazy in the moonlight and kill things. Oprah Winfrey is the first female whorewolf, and undisputed Queen of the Jedi, Sith, whorewolves and bastard child of the 500-Foot Jesus and Hitler. She discovered a formula that transformed her into a beautiful woman for a day. Unfortunately, a servant dropped the potion as the bottle was being cleaned, and Oprah was so mad she had him thrown in a lake. She thought "This works" and now embarks on a murderous rampage every full moon.
So why are werewolves well, werewolves? Well as we all know, werewolf is ancient Chinese for "hypocritical dog-man-rat hybrid", so why do they mutate? Well, most Rodents like Cheese, and this is no exception. As the moon is to them the cheese god they use their ability to mutate to try and reach it. When they fail they go mad and kill everything. The cry of the werewolf translates as " GIVE ME MY CHEESE! ".
[edit] Types
[edit] Werewookie
Similar to a werewolf, but distinctly different for obvious reasons, the Werewookie is an elusive creature. Known for its distinctive wookie call, it is commonly assumed that the transmutation is caused by a retrovirus, stimulated when the infected is incredibly bored. Many believe that it was created during a disastrous franchise overlay in which a Cardassian cruiser collided with the planet Kashyyyk, leaking dilithium radiation and causing a fusion between Wookie chromosomes and Andromeda bacteria. Hated and feared, those infected with the werewookius baccillus bacteria live a nomad's life, ever seeking Dr. Beverly Crusher - their New Hope.
[edit] Werewoman
A werewoman is a woman who becomes a beast for one bone-splitting, comatose-inducing, testicle-crushing week each month. During this month, the werewoman nags anyone nearby, cares excessively about what other people think, and assaults people, taking their shoes because "they're cute." She bleeds nonstop due to the damage her soul takes during this time, though because of the force of gravity, it exits through her lowest orifice. This has caused the celibacy or homosexuality of many a man. They can be killed using cars, knives, guns, cancer, and really raunchy farts.
[edit] The Lindley
A werewolf with no form of its own that can only be identified as being really annoying, small and a fondness for the word racist. It can only be killed with the mighty "pussy". Though it has a fondness for laughing at something unfunny, though should you not be able to find the "Thingy" of Yargdonkebble THE PIT OF GRUE JUSTICE!!!!!!! should work just as good as the "Thingy"(unfortunately the PIT OF GRUE JUSTICE!!!!!!! is under maintenance at this present time, but the grue responsible has been sacked, shaved with a cactus leaf and thrown into a vat of lard and left in the munchkin village of happy rainbows and sunshine, which is known for its Chuck Norris shrine).If you have seen one please shoot on site for more information join your local anti Lyndley organization and ice cream shop. In order for the Lindley to transform you into a midget-pokemon freak he must slap you with his snot infested hand, it will mainly go for your hair a way to stop this freak of society is to show him a tube of toothpaste (warning do not let them get to close to the toothpaste is they will most probably eat it, don't be surprised if he eats the tube as well!!) and basic mathematics. If you have succeeded in doing this the Lindley will burst into tears and resort to its true form, an annoying pile of crap or you could just shoot first ask questions later!
P.S The cure for being the midget pokemon freak is 4 month old comdom from the street (or you could kill the lindley responsible)
[edit] Warrenator
The main predator of the Lindley as it is far bigger and knows advanced mathematics and oral hygiene. He is easily identified by his constant obsession with wrestling and love of chess. If you see a Warrenator do not hurt it as it will kill any Lindley on site. Do not attempt to beat a Warrenator in chess, or any other game, for it will then either kill itself, or it will suddenly whip out a chainsaw and recreate the Valentine's day Massacre (the Warrenator in question will probably make a few changes, mostly including more daeth and destruction.
[edit] Kenny
Arch enemy of the Lindley. At this present time he is hunting the ugliest of all evils "The Nowlan Klan" known for their lack of intelligence and human DNA.
[edit] Wolfwere
This kind of werewolf is often stupid, as it turns into the most scariest thing in the fool moon (butt), a human being, its skin will look a weird pinky yellow color or a very dark brown beast with barely no hair. During the day wolfweres are wolves, but they are still werewolves. Yet the meaning of war (a.k.a. man as were) and the term wulf (a.k.a. gulf) meant that the wolfwere was a stubborn creature only capable of turning into a human on the fool moon. Atlas, this kind of wolf used to exist in the UK only and died when they were all hunted down, this was because they mustuke them for the hounds of hall owned by Dracula (a drug served when sucking the blood out first). For more information, watch Van Helsing or ask Osama Bin Laden, apparently he used to wear a wolf on his beard.
[edit] Wearwolf
You can get these nasty little baby werewolves on your boots quite easily, it's easy to kill them, just boil your shoe in shoe Polish.
[edit] Jacob Black
Also known as the most badass werewolf of all time, straight from the mind of the Mormon hippopotamus commonly known as Stephenie Meyer. He rides motorcycles and fights vampires and stuff but like, totally has a soft side. He likes to say shit about being half naked because his ego is almost as big as Stephenie Meyer's gums (this is why she always smiles with her mouth closed).
[edit] Becoming a Werewolf
Some people feel that it is enjoyable to spend one's days wandering around in the forest attempting to kill rocks. Here are just a few ways to become one:
[edit] Wearing a belt of wolf fur
Yes, my friends, this is a real way, according to legend, to becoming a wolf. All that you must do is kill one at 12:00 exactly. Easy enough, yes? Hell no it is really very hard to kill this f'in day and age.
[edit] Becoming connected with the wild wolves
This could work. Make best friends with a wolf from the forest. Some of them may be infected with Lycanthropy, the werewolf disease, and if they bite you and the disease enters your blood stream, then you become one. Available on The Sims 2: Pets.
[edit] Playing World of Warcraft
Playing to much World of Warcraft can affect your inner being and possibly start the transformation into a werewolf. Using team speak is a sure fire way of becoming a werewolf. Also stay away from the Aztec Plains were werewolves are located.
[edit] If You've Found a Werewolf:
The easiest way to become a werewolf is to find one. If you have already found one, then it's reaction depends. As a general rule, remember that a werewolf will bite you if you do not want to be one. It will probably leave you alone if you attempt to be bitten. Murphey's law, my friends. Try several of the following techniques:
- Diss its mom.
- Threaten to call Chuck Norris.
- Slap it double-sided.
- Act as if you don't notice it is there.
- Offer it cheese.
- Call it a cat.
- Call it trailer-trash
- Throw your retainer at it.
- Cast Fira for 50 damage or Firaga for 500 damage.
- Throw, summon or simply tell it aboutOscar Wilde or Oprah at it. (Escape Method)
- Ask it to play basketball
- Be a cheesy, fake-acting teen in a cheesy, crappily made, unintentionally funny horror movie with a dumbass name
- Tell it it's sexy
- Repeatedly tell it that the Cullens could gang-bang it...it's that much of a pansy.
- Forget to feed it.
- Wear socks with sandels
- Go tell your friend about your largest werewolf ass like the picture on the right.
[edit] The Upside of being a Werewolf
Well, you can...um...BITE SHIT! And the fact that if someone pisses you off, you can bite him and say "Haha now you're a hairy, cheese obssessed stalker" or something. Hey, it's better than being a pussy vampire.
Werewolves are also known for being extremely strong. This can be an advantage in many different ways, including the ability to jump on prey from about 80 feet away. Some werewolves can even howl and scare the shit out of people o.O
[edit] The Downside of Being a Werewolf
As fun as it is to be a werewolf, there are a few downers to deal with. For one, werewolves ONLY change during a full moon[This is a big fat lie]. During a full moon, werewolves lose control and attack/attempt intercourse with anything that moves, has cheese, and is big enough to eat. Many will have to shave three times a day and get daily haircuts. Few will develop a temper that is worse than the amount of hair that werewolves shed. Werewolves also are allergic to Silver[Winner of Biggeest Lie Competition 2001]. Coming into contact with silver will result in many odd reactions. Symptoms may vary. The most common symptoms include:
- Having zits break out all over the body (in human and werewolf form).
- Hives.
- PAIN!!!!!!1!!111!!1!one!!!1!
- Loss of appetite for cheese.
- Complete loss of fur.
- Burning imprint of any silver that came into contact.
- Death by Hippie music heard only in their heads.
There is no known cure for coming into contact with silver. Veterinarians have suggested rubbing cheese over infected area.
- You are associated with Jacob Black, who is the most gay werewolf to ever live.
- Losing to a vampire in TRU WUB
Another way that werewolves can be neutralised is being infected by clowns. This can be achieved by making the wolf look somehow clownish, e.g. by making it wear a clown wig or oversized shoes. This can prevent or reverse the transformation into wolf form.
Another downer to being a werewolf is the manipulation by "the man" to make microwavable bacon. (nasty bacon)
[edit] Where to Buy a Werewolf
On a fool moon simply stand outside in a bright pink raincoat. Jump up and down shouting "I want a werewolf cause they're fluffy". A old but very tall man will appear in a puff of smoke and ask you three questions. Question one - Will you feed your mother in law to this werewolf? Question two - Will you use this werewolf to get a girlfreind? Question three - Will you ever get this werewolf wet (those of you who have seen gremlins will know what im on about)
As long as you answer those questions right you will get one. If you answer them wrong mug him in a nice and polite way ( he is old and fragile, wouldn't want to hurt him would you?).
[edit] Weaknesses of the Werewolf
The most common weakness of the werewolf is said to be silver, because they are allergic. However, for those rednecks that can't afford silver, flavored condoms, which are much cheaper, will cause the werewolf to melt, and eventually die.
If you have neither of these items on your person upon encountering the werewolf (or werewolves if Lady Luck is really in a mood with you) then it may be useful to note that werewolves, similar to most other canines, are partial to the odd Pedigree 'dentistick'. If this fails to satisfy the appetite of the werewolf, then at least you will die in the knowledge that it will have nice, shiny teeth to eat you with.
[edit] Notable Werewolves
- Osama Bin Laden
- Jacob Black
- Remus Lupin
- Fenrir Greyback
- The Captain
- Shaggy
- The Hairy Gent
- Dracula
- Van Helsing
- Your Mom
- You[link titlelink title]
![[1]](http://blog.mlive.com/grpress/2008/04/small_Kent%20Dobson.jpg){kind=link}