West

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“You need the blue key to go this way”

~ Game:Zork on West

“GO WEST! Life is peaceful there!”

~ A. Stranger on West

This direction is West.

West is one of the 5 directions one can travel. It is well documented in text-based computer games, invariably leading to a either a dingy forest or some rolling hills, which are about as interesting as Your Mom. In contrast to the other directions, however, West did not get its name from a Norse god - the word 'West' is actually derived from a mis-hearing of "oiliest", a term frequently used to describe those living in that direction.

People who come from the west are known as desparadoes. Due to the spherical nature of Earth, everybody is West of somewhere, and it can be claimed that everybody is a desparado... however, people who use this kind of logic are usually thrown to the beavers at the age of twenty-four, or become politicians.

It is also known that the East is the mortal enemy of the West, and each desires the death of the other. According to a legend that extends this metaphor, they are locked in an eternal battle that neither will ever win, as they are always at exact opposite sides of the planet from each other. This is another load of shite, as the "Eastern" countries (examples including Chinatown and Nintendo) are actually closer to the "Western" countries (including Microsoft and Scotland) if you travel East than west.

The most Western point on most standard maps is known as the West pole. If you are going West, and happen to cross the West pole, you will start heading East. This system was put in place by God to stop people abusing the time zones for time travel related purposes. However, it was a waste of effort on His part, as humans only went and stole a tardis off those motherfucking Timelords anyway.