“More like...Coitus Tower. And GAY Coitus Tower at that.”
“The place where they shot every communist on the street. It sucks.”
|Motto: "Are ya gay?"|
|Civic anthem: "We're queers"|
|Official language(s)||Japanese, Chinese, Polish, MexiCAN, Korean, Pilipino, Italian, Nahuatl, Esperanto, Java, Vegetarian, English, Homosexual, Virgin|
|Opening hours||All day everyday except twice a year on the first Thursday of every September|
West Hollywood, also known as "Gayville", "Homoland", and the "Homosexual powerhouse" is a backwater village in California, yet it is one of the gayest cities in California, America, Earth, The Universe and The Known World as well. Located across L.A. from UCLA, the place where Queers are born, and Oak-town, the home of the Homosexual movement, West Hollywood is a charmingly ugly city that smells mildly of hemp, homeless feces, and raw sewage at the best of times. It is also the place of origin of the man known as...(ominous music)...Osama Bin Laden. For this reason, it has been completely razed to the ground in many Hollywood movies, with the famous landmarks being destroyed in the most spectacular way.
There are many types of people in West Hollywood: guitar playing hippies who have migrated from UC Santa Cruz, Pedophiles ("would you like to go to Neverland Ranch?"), Man Hookers, Smug hybrid car drivers who breathe in their own farts (a joke which I stole from South Park), Fabulous Friends of Adolf, several hundred homeless living in luxury condos doing E, pissing and taking dumps on people's car hoods in broad daylight, an army of Tupac clones, even Michael Jackson. West Hollywoodians are known for their love of dicks, balls and asses. They do not get crunk; they get hyphy and they hella hate the LA Dodgers because they are better, yanawmsayn'?
As Californians, we all surf bitchin' waves and we all love the Beach Boys. In tropical Ocean Beach, the water is crystal clear and 98.6 degrees F year-round. If it doesn't feel that way to you, swim out just a bit further through the cum filled ocean. Tourists and locals swim here naked all the time and get stung by stingrays, which is ok since the stingrays are gay.
West Hollywood is an ethnically diverse and well-integrated city. For example, the corridor along Penis Street contains everyone from norteños to chicanos to latinos to homos to hispanics to Mexican-Americans, while Pacific Heights contains not only WASPs but also one (nonpracticing) Jew, Ward Connerly, one half-Irish lady and Robin Williams (each of whom have been mayor). But no matter what ethnicity, they all give each other free love on Haight and Castro (except for ugly, fat and old bitches and gay old men). However, they pop caps into each other when one strays into another's hood.
West Hollywood also has many historical cultural communities, such as the homeless that live on market street and the homeless that live in the Tenderloin. other cultural groups include The homeless that live in shopping carts, the homeless that live in boxes, and the homeless.
West Hollywood is often praised for being a clean city with virtually no ghettos, however this is not entirely true. For more information, see Oakland.
West Hollywood has a shit load of gay dudes who like dicks, but not nearly as many lesbos, as lesbos like to do manly things and West Hollywood is just about the most girly ass place you could go. It is very easy for straight guys to pick up chicks in West Hollywood.
The city has a very high death-to-birth ratio, as most of the city dies of AIDs every year and cannot repopulate until mexicans and chinese decide to immigrate in mass illegally, a tradition celbrated every year by the flying of rainbow flags and wearing of leather chaps.
West Hollywood had a very gay history that included lots of married same-sex couples, a crack-addicted pedophile, and being regularly loaded with queers from across America.
West Hollywood, now known for being the most important cultural Mecca in Los Angeles County, has not always been so. Most of the city's fame stems from the importance it plays in western homosexual history. From the birth of Jesus in the city's Mission District in 0 BC, to the Hollywoodian hookers in the Middle Ages, to the glorious reign of Emperor Norton, to the Sexual Revolution *pelvic thrust* that began in the Haight, to the Silicon Revolution,) and the Hyphy Movement, West Hollywood has been and continues to be Gaywest Hollywood.
Unlike other Americans, West Hollywoodians speak perfect Fag, unchanged since the Elizabethan era in Turkey. Words which have become obsolete and forgotten even in English Turkey, live on in the quaint backwards speech patterns of West Hollywood.
In Chinese, West Hollywood is phonetically translated to "剩飯洗狗", which literally means "Man who loves big dicks".
West Hollywood is a place for homosexuals to live. The annual gay marriage parade through the John is world-famous. Less famous are the specialized street fairs--the Condom Street Fair celebrating gay pride, the Homosexual Street Fair celebrating wee-wee pride, the Vagina Fair celebrating lesbian pride, the Ass Street Fair celebrating ass pride, and the Neverland Street Fair celebrating raving homophobe pride.
West Hollywood's economy is broken down as such:
- 3% KKK
- 52% Gay porn
- 58% Sex offenders
- 110% Ripping off tourists in Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf
- 16% Condo sales to internet yuppies who work down in Marina Del Rey
- 92% Hyphy Juice (available at your local 7-11)
- 37% Marijuana
- Hella% Bud
- 63.333333% New Tupac Albums (released every 5th week of the month)
- 12% Shopping carts and spare change
- 0.5% Cocaine
- 32.3% Heterosexual rehab
- 44.9% Bongs
- 120% on math/addition scholarships
- 25.66666667% on BALCO Steroids
- 12% cat people
- 35% hobos
Cost of Living
West Hollywood is one of the most expensive cities in America, particularly in rental costs. Too many potheads flock to the city in search of getting fucked by a big man whose hair has migrated from his head to his chest, raising prices of everything from hourly hotels and porn videos, to condoms, lubricant, sex toys, syphilis medicine, and cigarettes. Even city subsidized glory holes are not free anymore, nor are pedophile rec centers such as Neverland Park. As such, the pedos are moving to Bangcock. Recent government attempts to increase middle-income housing by tearing down the freeways to build $800,000 high-rise condos for Internet gangsters have, for some reason, done little to help.
The supply of affordable housing has led to one of the highest non-homeless rates in the country, and the fact that many men are too gay to talk to girls. Recently, the government has instituted a program known as Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Instead of spending money on the homeless, West Hollywood tries to raise their self-esteem by giving blowjobs. All citizens, under this program, are encouraged to hug every homeless person they see so as to spread crabs.
The advantage of having not many homeless in a city of 36,000 is that the streets are much safer: getting robbed and gang raped by a smelly group of panhandlers is always more fun than by just a single criminal. The homeless also serve as a ready supply of raw material for the Soylent Green collection trucks, and are particularly delicious when slow-roasted or just eaten right off the cob. People in WH have to recycle their pee-water as Global warming and the Apache conquest has drained Lake tahoe.
Being a gay city (Greek for "penis-shaped land"), West Hollywood is a land of scenic dicks. Most famous is of course the Superdick to the North, connecting the city with L.A.. Lets go to candy mountain!
West Hollywood is also a land of hills. The view from atop Twin Peaks is not to be missed on the two days every year when the fog thins sufficiently for visibility beyond three inches. Nob Hill provides a scenic view of the Tenderloin, allowing residents to look down hookers' tops and try to guess which were born female. Pacific Heights, a reserve set aside for politicians, is opened for 30 minutes every Sunday to allow the poor a brief look at the naked citizens. Formerly-agricultural Potrero Hill provides stunning views of the new, empty highrise condos and loft buildings of the recent gentrification, while formerly-industrial Bernal Heights is now a vibrant agricultural community, mostly hydroponic, providing hazy views of, like, something hella... um... dude, just check it.
The ultimate scenic overlook is found in the famous Tranamerica Building in the Financial district, Pereira's Prick, which also provides an automatically-respawning parachute, allowing tourists to reach hidden areas where they can perform unique jumps to increase their score.
The mascot of West Hollywood is not the Golden Gate Bridge, nor even The Village People; it is a dick, which can be seen from almost all vantage points in the city. Like a dick, West Hollywood will always be clean like a McDonald's public restroom, utterly fabulous at being boring, earthquake proof, gay, and hippie free, capable of making a damn good fair-trade organic GM free double shot decaf nonfat soy latte for all the freaks and ready to get down and party with the sceevy old farts in the Castro.
West Hollywood has a world-famous public transportation system, which is why only people from elsewhere in the world use it. In fact, as the MUNI as its called, was rated "top system for breakdowns" 4 years in a row. Transportation Magazine called it "the best place in America to watch a bus run over an old Chinese lady crossing the street".
Most locals drive dick-shaped cars street parking is plentiful throughout the city at reasonable costs ($539-$799, payable within four weeks of parking), and the 15mph speed limits on Gay Street and other main drags make even the most distant parts of the city accessible in only a few short hours. One can also ghost ride his whip up and down the strip club.
However, some locals rely on a system of trains, buses, and pneumatic tubes known as Muni. The Muni buses are so well-known for being on time that the city funds a website, http://nextmuni.com, to brag about their timeliness. Transportation outside of the city core is provided by BART, a network of monorail systems (from the latin mono, meaning one, and rail, meaning thing that could collapse in the next earthquake). BART also doubles as sleeping quarters and restrooms for the region's homeless.
West Hollywood is an oddity in homosexual politics, being not only a city, but also as well as an independent constitutional monarchy. However, after the death of Emperor Norton over a century ago, the power of the crown has waned, and current raper Michael Jackson is little more than a figurehead. However, he still has the authority to conduct trade agreements with the United States, as can be seen in her recent lucrative deals to import pot from Humbolt and export pot to Los Angeles).
Most authority now rests in the Great Central Computer that sits in the old State Capitol building, overseen by The Lead Programmer, Mayor Gavin Newsom. ("Gayor" is his first name; "Gay" to his friends.) Newsom's responsibilities include feeding data into the computer, announcing the computer's proclamations, fucking his best friend's wife, producing child porn, and performing ceremonial, valid gay weddings. Newsom somehow managed to marry a hot playgirl model lawyer transvestite android husband while simultaneously catering to the gay voting bloc by looking like a complete homo by masterbating in public to men. Eventually the drugs wore off and He moved to New York.
Newsom is assisted by a team of programmers affectionately known as the County Board of Supervisors, although most of the actual work is outsourced to Bangalore.
Newsom was reelected in a landslide victory in 2007. His reelection was no surprise because because the vast majority of the City's residents are hoping to jump Gavin's bone. An effort to upset his reelection was headed by Alex Tourk, Newsom's one time campaign manager turned cuckold by Newsom himself, when he founded Families Against Gavin (FAG). FAG's failure was also no surprise since it's members included Tourk joined by two lesbian women and the three gay men that reside in Hollywood. Newsom will now serve his second term in office where he will be swooned over by all women in the city between the age of 16 and 98 and continue to perform gay marriages in which each of the men getting married is imagining that he is in fact marrying Newsom himself rather than the other chubby bear/fiancée in a tux.
West Hollywood has its own leather-jodhpur-clad Militia, who dispense justice with a crack of the whip. Spanking is reserved only for those who have been really, really straight.
While West Hollywood is a gay, tiny, dick-sucking city, it is entirely safe to walk around its colorful, historic and happy neighborhoods. Such neighborhoods include Hunter's Point, Bayview, Giantdick, Hughjass, and of course the Tenderloin, where many LA celebrities and NY socialites choose to stay when in West Hollywood for the Grammys, Tonys, and Oscars, which are all held at Harry & Bob's Soup Kitchen Ampitheatre and Small Engine Repair Emporium. San Francisco also includes a diverse collection of ethnic neighborhoods, such as the Hispanic Inner Mission, the Hispanic Outer Mission, the Hispanic Excelsior district, and, well, the rest is just Chinatown. The city's gay districts are notorious for their incredible discounts on butt plugs, vibrators, and other anal stimulation items of all shapes and sizes. This is due to Harvey Milk's pioneering "Dildos for Peace" program.
West Hollywood is known for its wide variety of world-class cuisine. For example, on Geary Street, visitors can find two Jack 'n the Box restaurants--and, right around the corner on Market Street, the only Del Taco north of Fresno. Thai style delicacy of fried cockroaches with oyster sauce are available just about anywhere in Penistown, except they are eaten raw as passing food off as Japanese is commonplace here, but you have to stomp on them gently so as to not spill the guts before they run off. Travelers looking for history can visit the famous San Fran-Hollywood area, where the spirit of the 60's lives on in dozens of shops transplanted from Hollywood's Melrose district and New York's Greenwich Village. Other popular tourist traps include the oldest baseball stadium in California (now a strip club). Great discount shopping can be found in the Pornmart and Union sex areas (beware of the fakes!). For travelers with young children, the Castro District and South of Market are always pornographic, especially at night. Be sure to pack your bright pink hot pants and your assless chaps, and baby you are ready to take on West Hollywood!